Thursday, February 3, 2011


It's 2:11am.

I'm tired but can't fall asleep.
I'm tired of being awake when no one else is.
I'm tired of listening to the sound of silence when all I wish is that I was asleep.
I'm tired of being so tired in the morning that I can't get up because ... I'm too tired.

Tonight my brain is churning and won't turn off.
My heart feels betrayed and won't let my brain stop churning.
My soul is angry, which feeds my heart, which, in turn, feeds my brain.
My spirit is weak and feeling defeated, which in turn ... well, you get it.

Just when you think you can trust, she proves you can't.
Just when you want to believe in change, she proves you wrong.
Just when you let your guard down and relax, she proves the foolishness of your choice.

I know we aren't what we do because God doesn't create us to be liars and manipulators.
But sometimes--like now--the line between who and what becomes fuzzy.
We aren't the sin we pour out onto others.
But tonight I can't even say her name without attaching "liar" and "manipulator" to it.
And the words she so carelessly throws about without thought for the damage they will do make me shake my head in disgust.

Most importantly, they make my heart hurt.

1 comment:

  1. I HATE that your heart is hurting!!!!!!!!!

    I immediately started wondering - is this me? Can I fix this? And then I decided it probably isn't because although I am flawed in many, many ways - lying isn't my big struggle. So it's someone else. Someone you purposely didn't name. So I am not going to try and figure it out.

    But I will say that I love you and am a phone call away if you need someone to pray with.