Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Upside Down

I sit down to write because I've let too many days pass since the last time I was here. But, is that a good enough reason? I've not felt inspired, moved, or encouraged to write. I've felt drained and lifeless. What does one write from a tank that is not full? from a life that lacks inspiration? from a heart that is beginning to just feel like giving up?

I have nothing to write that would inspire anyone. have nothing to write that would encourage anyone. I have nothing to write that would make someone smile, or said otherwise, "turn their frown upside down".

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


I remember being a young girl and dreaming of my wedding day and the life of "happily ever after". As I find myself generations removed from those dreams that sprang from the blissful ignorance of the unknown and from the naivete' of not understanding that dreams usually don't match reality, I am faced with the realization that the cause and effect of life strikes a deeper blow to the core of who we are than most of us care to admit.

Once, I believed that a year of planning, months of shopping, and a church filled the ones you loved would write the script for the happy ending. that a beautiful gown, a blusher veil and flawless make-up and hair would prepare the way for a life of white picket fences, 2.2 kids, a dog and the perfect partner with whom one would grow old.

Oh, how the dreams of the innocent differ from the realities of life.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Perspective Granted

"And sometimes I envy that blissful ignorance [of fresh love, awaiting marriage, untested by trials]. But then I don't. Because a love that cannot be quenched by many waters is more valuable. And that's what I have. A refined love. An action love. The kind of love that took Jesus to the cross. I know that love because I know heartache in love. I know sacrifice in love. I know death in love. Father, You think that's a gift. So I thank You for my hardships! And for this true love that quiets all my expectations. This love makes me more like You."

It's perspective like this - one that my heart desires yet hasn't yet asked for - that I know is brought to me because of God's heart for me to be less like me and more like Him.

Do you, Coli, know how often you bring perspective to me, unbeknownst to you, when I dare to open up my world through words? You are so committed to reading my rants and so good at bringing clarity to my - often times - cloudy eyes.

Thank You, my SisNBff, for doing what you do best... Being a Friend!!!!

Expectations Unmet

Hope and hopelessness
I both watched it and lived it all in the same day
Some eyes radiated joy
Where others showed no signs of life
A room filled with current strangers
Offered the potential of future friends
My heart is saddened by the heaviness of heartache
While being uplifted by the freshness of new love
Though I'm not that far removed
From my new beginnings
Life has crept in like a thief in the night
And stolen precious jewels
Not the ones I wear around my neck
But the jewels I treasure in my heart


Leaving in its wake a constant reminder
of Expectations Unmet
Words of affirmation can fill a heart in one moment
A love tank is full
And a smile is returned
The umbrella of Expectations Unmet safely tucked away for now
Hours pass as we walk in the borrowed happiness of
Two hearts' anticipation for their future
We've watched love grow from afar
And now we're in the midst of celebrating it
But even celebration can't completely cover
The dose of reality that is birthed
from Expectations Unmet
An afternoon of sunshine and smiles
Where revelations were shared and hearts revealed
Has turned into a nighttime of darkness
Where Pandora's Box of the Past
Has once again replaced

strain for Love
heaviness for Joy
chaos for Peace
quick fuses for Patience
harsh words for Kindness
judgment for Goodness
hard hearts for Gentleness
and damage for Self-control

How do I escape the baggage of my past
Of actions and reactions conditioned in me by life
Is it really as easy as climbing into the coffin of daily sacrifice
The one I drag behind me instead of crawling into
When will the line I walk
Of selfishness over selflessness
Cease to exist
My days dawn with the fresh breath of new life
Yet so often they end with the toxic fumes of my struggles

and Expectations Unmet

Re-Presenting Life

A room full of so many hearts broken
While one radiates the glow of new life
Too many still lonely
A few entangled in the bitterness of envy
While they ask the question, "Why not me?"
Others drown in the sea of Unknown
Clinging to the life raft of the renewed hope in her eyes
Time is a constant reminder
Of years passing by
Of life and love lost
So many stories lie behind their eyes
Of vows broken, promises unkept
Yet still she shines in the midst of it all
Her heartache has been healed
By the promise of her Savior
For a future and a hope
Of the plans He knew He had for her
Plans for him... Plans for them
And the promise of love forever
Sealed by a covenant of words
By a vow of, "I Do and I Will"
How dichotomous life can be
When perspectives of opposite ends looms great
Where mountain top highs and death valley lows
Are so obviously represented in the space of one room
Eager expectation shines new for her future of tomorrows
While hopelessness belies the facade so many others want to hide
Only You, Father, can
Restore hope to the hopeless
Renew faith for the faithless
Reveal life in the mirror of lifelessness
Redeem love for the loved-less
She is Your shining star today
Representing restoration, renewal, revelation and redemption
May the reality of her past heartache
And the present of her life anew
Mix with the anticipation of her future days
To bring glory and honor to You
And hope to those who celebrated with her
And all that she represents