Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Maybe [tomorrow]

Why is it than even when we can admit that "one day" change was inevitable, that when that "one day" comes sooner than we thought it would, it's not as easy to embrace as we would have fooled ourselves into believing it could be?

Today, the kids and I had a very serious conversation about home schooling that ended with the admission and understanding that my retirement from Wellspring Academy (the name I gave our home school back in California where home schools had to be registered) is most likely coming 'sooner' rather than 'later'.

I had this niggling in the back of my mind for months now that this school year may very well be our last at home. Not because I was growing discontent but because there was change I could see on the horizon that didn't look like it could be met from our living room; change that I'm not sure even the kids would have recognized had today's conversation not happened.

It was hard. There were tears. And I can honestly say that the reality of September 2011 hasn't even begun to soak in. I can't let it right now. The surface ripples are enough for me. Diving in to the full weight of this is not something I can choose to take on [today].

But this I know because I've lived it many times before: When what's ahead of me is so foreign that I can't possibly create a future reality in my own mind, I quickly process the emotions and then dig into the details. Gathering information is easy for me. Making plans and doing what's necessary to carry them out is easy too. Allowing that change to take up residence in my heart so that the emotions of it can be processed is something else; that takes vulnerability and a willingness to surrender to the feelings of change and not just adapt to it.

Maybe [tomorrow].

1 comment:

  1. Oh wow, BIG news! For all of you!! I kind of feel speechless. I keep trying to type but I know that I can't really acknowledge what a change that is. So for today, can I just say - I get that this is ginormous.