Saturday, April 25, 2009

The Soloist

Saw the movie The Soloist yesterday, and since I rarely go to the movies - just not much out there I really find worthy of a $10 ticket - I was excited to have the opportunity to see this movie on opening day.

I've been waiting for this movie to hit theaters, and it did NOT disappoint in the least bit... I was drawn in like a fish on a hook from the get-go. The Soloist ran deep from beginning to end. Every scene continued the unfolding of a story that was told via a well-written script, two incredible actors and a director with an eye for brilliance.

I am so enamored with the way this movie was shot. The music was brought alive through soaring shots of Los Angeles and the tripping of lights-fantastic; and I left the theater two hours later feeling as if I personally knew Steve Lopez and Nathaniel Ayers.

I also left the comfort of my high-backed movie seat with one profound message overwhelming my heart:

Each and Every person, no matter how significant he or she may or may not appear to society, is a Human Being and is WORTHY of just being LOVED and BE-FRIENDED for who he or she is! It is not our job to change people... it is simply our job to L-O-V-E them right where they are.

I cannot wait to see The Soloist again, not only for its pure artistry but, most importantly, for the story of unfiltered humanity for which it barrages its audience.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Why Bother?

That's what I'm asking myself right now... why bother?

I made my plea... God provided
A mistake here, a choice there
And now...
Why bother?

I was so ok with simple
No fuss, no big budget
Just us and some sunshine
And now...
Why bother?

I asked questions for a reason
But I've learned a hard lesson in communication
If the reason stays in my head
Then I can't hold someone else to it

I thought my simple plans were more than enough
I can do so much on so little
But 'that' little can only go so far

I was excited for the simplicity of the day
But now I feel like...
Why bother?

Friday, April 17, 2009

A Few Thoughts From The Past Week

I just realized that I haven't posted anything in almost a week, and the last blog I posted is one written from a heart of despair. Time to put something 'fresh and new' up...

The day after I wrote Hopelessness Is Hopeless, I was floored by the extreme generosity of God's heart flowing through the hearts of others. God reached down, through the hands of His children, and touched us. He threw out the life raft to let us know that He was still there and that day [Resurrection Sunday] the storm was not going to suck us under.

Two faces became the face of Jesus. They walked in His footprints and tangibly made a difference... a GINORMOUS difference! They reached right into their hearts and handed us a piece.

Over the past 2 days, I have read a few blogs that contained golden nuggets for me... well, not specifically written for me, but I have claimed them for myself. :)
  1. ...healing is like manna. It is provided for today. In that way, I will continually be dependent on God as my comfort. Yesterday’s comfort took care of yesterday’s pain. And I am more whole because of it!! But tomorrow’s pain is for God to take care of tomorrow. [via coli jones]
  2. In-Him we find that we were created with greater purpose and power than we can currently imagine. But don’t let that stop you from imagining. Imagine Big….Imagine fiercely…It is still bigger, but have fun imagining. It is this polarity…not-him, versus In-Him, that leads to the Great War. Someone (could it be…Satan) wants you to believe less about God, so He attacks your most accurate picture of God; you-in-Him. [via bob hamp]

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Hopelessness Is Hopeless

I've tried DESPERATELY today to keep myself hidden in a world of escapism in order to keep my mind distracted from the reality of our financial abyss.

*I've watched a couple episodes of 'Lost' online in an attempt to catch up to Teighlor so we can watch together.
*I've watched (in quick, no commercials or boring details format) my DVR'd programs from the week, which include American Idol [performances and results], Dancing With The Stars [performances and results] and House.
*I had to be out of the house this morning for Kevin's visit with the kids, so I wasn't even home to wallow in this quagmire until almost noon.

It's now almost 7pm, and I remembered that no one had picked up the mail yet. Hoping against hope for a check that was supposed to be delivered to us YESTERDAY, I waited to see what Alec brought in. Who was I kidding??? OF COURSE that check WASN'T going to be there... that would be TOO MUCH to hope for.

I came home last night to find out that its 'sister' check [both from the same job-just different payments] also DIDN'T arrive in our mailbox while I was away escaping in California. You know things aren't going well when the 2 checks from the ONLY project in the job hopper don't come as promised. REALLY? Isn't that just like kicking a horse when it's already down???

I'm tired of this. I really believe that I have handled this current situation FAR better than our last go 'round. I've stayed positive. I've stayed faith-filled. I've continued to trust and just believe for the best.

So many OPPORTUNITIES have reared their heads over the past 3 weeks. They should keep me positive, right? Well, they have... kinda. The opportunities have been just enough to keep me hoping against hope, while waiting for one of them to actually land a PAYING job.

The problem is... hope doesn't pay the bills, and it doesn't keep the late notices and disconnection letters from rolling on in. Hope won't keep the water running through our pipes or the heat from being shut off. Hope won't put gas in the car and it won't buy food for our table. Hope won't keep the car from being repossessed or our home from going into default, which leads to foreclosure. Hope also won't pay child support or keep the State from tracking down another 'dead beat dad'.

Hope may have kept a smile on my face when I just couldn't see the light at end of the tunnel, but hope is like EVERYTHING else... there's only so much of it to go around. And when the 'hope tank' is emptied and there's no Hope Station in sight where I can refuel, this heart stops hoping... and stops caring.

I am truly, utterly, and desperately DEFEATED. I escaped my reality for 6 glorious days - hoping against hope, that SOMETHING would be different when I returned. I guess I hoped for the wrong thing. I should have hoped for 'better', not 'different'. I should have been more specific in my hope. So, for that, I DID get different, just not better... only worse.

Today, I can now say I've joined the ranks of the group of people who have, even in the smallest of ways, contemplated what it would be like to just not be here anymore. To take the chicken way out and just stop the craziness. Is my life bad enough to actually justify the "S" word? NO, of course not! I'm just being brutally honest with myself, and THIS is my forum to vomit forth that kind of honesty.

I just told my husband that if someone walked up to me right now and offered me a quick, painless, non-violent way to speed up my journey to heaven, I would consider my options. It is, without a doubt, the MOST selfish thought I've EVER had. And I know it, too.

I simply have nothing left in me to make me look forward to tomorrow. nothing at all. and that's tragic because I should. I simply don't care, nor do I want to even consider caring.

And I'm not even mad at God, nor have I discontinued believing in His sovereign care. I KNOW he loves me. I'm incredibly thankful for - and KNOW he is undeniably responsible for - the daily provision of food on our table and gas in our tank in the past few weeks - our 'just enough for today' manna. I KNOW he sees my heart right now and he's not judging me - he's filled with compassion for me and even understands my desperate hopelessness and heartache. I KNOW that he has every resource at his disposal and could rescue me tonight, in spite of my outlook [or what other Christians would judge as a "crisis of faith"]. There is NOTHING wrong with my faith in my God. I KNOW who he is, and I've experienced first-hand what he is capable of. I don't LACK faith in what God CAN do, my hope has just run dry for any kind of guarantee that I'm somehow owed, or deserve to expect, a rescue.

I am embracing the worst now and turning the corner on hoping to keep things. Without a tremendous, miraculous pay day, we've gone too long without paychecks to keep things from being repossessed and possibly foreclosed on. Not everything will happen on the same day or even in the same week, but it's coming. Right now our focus is simply on the hope of keeping things from getting shut off or disconnected. I should just cry and get it over with so I can move on emotionally, but today I feel dead inside [that's what hopelessness feels like], so the possibility of tears, or even anger, are foreign emotions to me right now.

When my husband TRIED to make me feel better, TRIED to revive my hope, I looked at him and just shook my head. Did you NOT hear my words? You don't try to make dead people feel better or try to revive their hope. They're dead! I don't want platitudes, nor do I need nice little Christianese sentences thrown my way. NOT TODAY, anyway.

Tomorrow, I may be resurrected... I may not. I haven't stopped believing in the miraculous. Really, I haven't. Today, I'm just buried... that's all.

Welcome Home...

Six days of 'escaping' [reality] in California
Only to come home and have [reality] waiting for me
Like the harshness of freezing wind on your face on a bitterly cold day
Welcome Home...

Who was I kidding to think
That I could truly push the pause button on [reality]?
Life stands still for no one
And neither do the consequences
Welcome Home...

Am I selfish to think that I should have had a few hours reprieve?
Was it too much to ask just to have some time to share my week...
In addition to the rest of life that couldn't wait to share itself with me?
I guess so...

Welcome Home