Thursday, March 26, 2009

Because He FIRST Loved

You ARE lovable because God doesn’t see you the way you see yourself… He sees you the way He created you… without stain, without sin, without fleshly struggle, without all of the things that you see as unlovable about yourself.

It’s why, I believe, we CAN love others. He gives us a measure of that same quality. We are capable of looking past someone’s faults and ‘unlovable’ characteristics and still LOVE them. We know the faults, the struggles, the not-quite-so-beautiful tendencies… and love anyway.

And I believe we only do this now because God did it first.

I just wrote the above comment as a response to one of my SisNBff's blogs. As I re-read it for typos or grammatically incorrect sentence structure [yes, a little OCD about that], my response was read back to me.

"Do you hear My Words in your response? Do you accept these words as not only your [answer] to your friend's blog, but also as words that I sing over you?"

God has such an amazing ability to show up in the craziest ways... :)

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Dallas Outreach - The Day After

This morning Anthony and I were up and out of the house at 9:30 AM to help the Amped staff take the vans back to the rental place and then get them back to the Gateway offices where their cars were parked. It was a beautiful morning. the sun was shining. the birds were chirping away. the air was cool but not cold. everything was green. greener than it was just the week before.

As we drove in silence enjoying the beauty of the morning, I think I noticed [for the first time] the air that I take for granted; not because the air that I breathe gives me life, but I was aware of the quality of the air that I breathe on a daily basis. It smelled fresh and clean and green. Not sure how airs smells green, but it did. I also noticed the colors that surrounded me. The varying shades of green on the trees seemed alive and the open expanses of grass that separated the buildings blew softly in the cool breeze of the morning.

I've taken this route to the Gateway offices many times in the past year. I've driven this particular street countless times to get to my destination and bring me back home again. But today, after having 'lived' in the inner city of Dallas for the past week, this drive was now different. More accurately, nothing around me had actually changed, except that a few more trees were full of leaves that were bare just the week before. What had changed was Me. My eyes were now seeing my surroundings differently. I hadn't expected it, but it had happened. Five days of living 30 miles from my home had opened my eyes.

I had walked among the people who lived in the 'projects', where front doors are only inches apart from the next door neighbor; homes are one on top of another; the neighborhoods lack color and life. I ministered to children who don't have a front or back yard and live in 'apartments' that have two bedrooms [at the most] and a whole family living within those four walls. I had participated in an afternoon of outreach where we walked the neighborhoods of those we were trying to reach. Broken down homes, the stale air of living amongst businesses and oppression of poverty and abuse consumed these streets. Hopelessness was written all over the faces of the adults, except for a few. Yet even with the oppression that hung like a thick cloud, there was still joy that abounded from the youngest of the kids. They had not yet been beaten down by life. They had not yet understood the boundaries that poverty and darkness had placed on them. They still saw the world through childlike eyes, and I prayed that God will allow them to live in that innocent place for as long as they could.

And this morning as we drove, the word BLESSED filled my heart. I was shown how rich my life is by living something different for five days. I may [or may not] be able to keep what we currently have. Where I live may still change. What I drive may change, too. I do not yet know. But this I do know... on my worst day, I do not live like those I lived among last week. And my heart is indelibly changed.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Dallas Outreach - Day 5

This morning started out with packing and loading up luggage and then making our way to CCI for our last breakfast together. With BBC over, our morning schedule was completely open for sanctuary time until lunch time. This was my highlight of the day.

  • After worship and prayer time, we had a Pastor from CCI, Carlos, speak to us and share his message; it was on God as our Father and the role He plays as our perfect parent. It was a timely message and one that I know hit many of our kids hard. Even though we're from Gateway and not the "inner city", we still have many kids who don't come from great homes or have parents that know and love God. At the end of the message, Carlos asked all of to close our eyes and search our hearts for things that we may have done that we've never sought forgiveness for [or forgiven ourselves for] and for things that have been done to us by our parents that we need to forgive them for. The kids were spread throughout the sanctuary, so none were sitting next to one another. I prayed for God to move and to meet each student in their moment, in whatever way they needed Him. After a few minutes I looked around and saw adult leaders going to students who were "processing" and simply wrapping their arms around the children who were hurting. I asked God to show me if there was a child who needed His touch through me. I turned my head and saw one of the girls who had been in my BBC group for the week. She was sitting quietly but had tears rolling down her cheeks. I got up and went to her, and without saying a word I simply wrapped my arms around her. I could tell that she didn't know exactly what to do with me in that moment... maybe a little uncomfortable in her pain. I didn't say anything for a couple minutes. I just wanted my touch to be my words to her. Very quickly she relaxed and I began to pray over her quietly but loud enough for her to hear. As I spoke over her she practically melted into my arms and tucked her head into the crux of my neck and just sobbed. I had no idea what was causing this girl pain or what situations were breaking her heart, but God knew. I prayed over her for almost 5 minutes. I really can't remember what I said because I knew my Spirit was speaking over her and I was just the vessel being used. When I ran out of words, I just continued to hold her and allow her tears to come out. Maybe 5 minutes later, Carlos began to speak again and when he asked how many had been personally ministered too by God, her one hand immediately went up as she squeezed my other hand. She didn't say anything to me right then... she didn't have to. God had met her and I could tell that her countenance was different; that even if everything wasn't perfect in her life, something was made right that morning, a burden was released, forgiveness was given and received... GOD MOVED!
As we left the sanctuary that morning, I gave her one more hug and she smiled wide as she thanked me for coming to sit with her. No other words were needed between us. She didn't need me to know the exact details of her life and I didn't need to press her for them. Touch healed that day; not my touch but the hand of God reaching out to a girl and allowing me to the be the hands that delivered the love.


Thursday, March 19, 2009

Dallas Outreach - Day 4

Today was our last day with the kids for BBC [Backyard Bible Club] and tomorrow is our last day here at CCI. A few highlights from my day:
  • Sanctuary time was AWESOME this morning. Pastor Keith, from Amped, was on fire and led us in a time of anointed prayer and praise. We had 60 youth and adults speaking words of life over our day and declaring victory over souls. Everyone participated and everyone praised. Our time was different than yesterday morning, but I got this feeling that God had a plan for each time we met, and gave us exactly what we needed for that very day.
  • I had to run a couple errands this morning and teamed up with Brittney to hit the streets of Dallas accomplishing our goals. We had about an hour in the car with each other and I got to learn so much more about her on a personal level. I love times like this where the people I know from weekly contact become real people, with real lives, real pasts, real hurts and real joys.
  • There was lots of laughter in my group of BBC'ers today. We got to play dodge ball and water balloon toss. My Amped students took the lead with these games today, while I sat back and let them run the show. The leader personalities rose to the top and those who naturally follow and serve took their places, too. I used this time to pray for the kids we had with us today. I purposefully made my way around the groups and inbetween the lines to touch each boy and girl on the shoulder or head, each time asking God to pour Himself out to the them, to meet them where they were in their lives and in their homes. I'm not sure if I will ever get to meet these kids again but I know that seeds were planted in their hearts. They heard the Word of God for 3 days in a row, they were loved on by complete strangers and they shared community with each other.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Dallas Outreach - Day 3

Today was a day filled with "more of the same" because we shared the same schedule as yesterday - and will tomorrow, too; except the highlights were different:
  • Time in the sanctuary held a special moment. A leader from Gateway's Outreach team has been overseeing this trip alongside Amped's Pastors. Each morning we've had prayer time and a majority of the kids are still in that place where they are uncomfortable praying in front of their peers. This morning she shared that God had put something different on her heart for our time of prayer... today each child and adult was going to pray. To keep kids from getting too uncomfortable, she asked each one of us to stay seated where we were in the pews and simply stand when the prayer line came our way. This morning we had more than 60 individual prayers lifted up to the throne room of God within the time span of 15 minutes!
  • Mahoghany: She is a 5-year old girl that I met during Tent Praise & Worship. I remember her not only for the originality of her name but, unfortunately, for the anger and rebellion that she held in her eyes and displayed in her behavior. When we were asked to stand for praise, she would sit; when we were asked to sit for message time, she would stand. One of the male pastors from CCI went to her to "curb" her behavior and I could see the disdain in her eyes as he tried to get her to sit down and stop disrupting the kids around her. I felt compelled to help and asked the pastor if I could take over. I did get her to sit down, although reluctantly, by being as sweet as I possibly could be and not making it seem as if I were trying to "tell her what to do". [Not that she didn't need instruction, but I could see that my best parenting, in that moment, was not going to do any good] As the message started, Linda was getting the kids to repeat a Bible verse, "I will love the Lord my God will all my heart, soul, mind and strength", and made a game of chanting this over and over to get them to remember the words. As soon as the kids had it down, the room was split into 2 halves and it became a game of which side could repeat the verse louder. The kids became quite loud and I watched as Mahoghany covered her ears and rocked back and forth in anger as the verse was said over and over. I could see what was going on, so I reached out my hand, placed it on her back and began praying over her in a way that would not draw attention to her. I rebuked the spirits that sat over her; the ones that were making it a painful experience to hear the Word of God repeated over and over. I prayed for a good 5 minutes until I could feel her body relax. I could feel something release and when she pulled her head out of her lap she had a smile on her face. The enemy had ridden into this place on her back and did not want her hearing the Word of God or experiencing the love He wanted to show her that day. I didn't get to stay with her when the message was over because she was too young to be in my group, but I continued to pray freedom over her so that whatever God had in store for her for the rest of the day could be received. I didn't get to see her when she left but I know that God allowed me to have those 15 minutes in the tent with her so that I could continue to pray for her. I may never see her again, but a seed was planted today, a bit of freedom was gained, and her name will be a part of my prayers until God releases me.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Dallas Outreach - Day 2

First, I am tired. I didn't sleep well last night so today was an exhausting day from the get-go. BUT, the day was awesome, even if it was not planned for exactly correctly. We ran out of supplies because we had twice as many kids as were anticipated today. Well, that and some of the supplies went missing without anyone knowing what happened to them. Hmmmm.???

All in all, we enjoyed our time with the kids and I know they enjoyed their time with us. A few highlights for me:

• Marquis and his brother Michael. Marquis is an adorable 3 year old whom I befriended the minute I saw him walking around by himself. He made my day!
• Watching our kids pour themselves into so many of these kids. I could definitely pick out which kids have the gift for outreach.
• Participating in the praise time. Trying to teach little Marquis hand motions to the songs was fun, and dancing with him to our funky Off The Hook song was a blast! Definitely in my element during those times.

That's all for now. I'm tired and I finally get to take a much needed and desired shower. Almost 9 pm and I need better sleep tonight. Looking forward to what God holds in store for tomorrow... And seeing Marquis tomorrow... Hopefully!

Monday, March 16, 2009

Dallas Outreach -Day 1

Today was a long day. Up at 5:30, at Gateway by 6:45, on the road by 8:30, arrived at City Church International by 9:30, and the day is almost officially over as we approach "lights out" at 11:00 pm. So much stuffed into the first day. Typing this from my iPod so I have to make notes only:

•Charged up for this trip and all that God is gonna do.
•Gonna get the chance to love on the kids from the inner-city here in Dallas.
•Loving the opportunity to not only be with my kids on their first ministry trip, but looking forward to the kids here that I'm gonna get to know this week.

So much more, but I'm tired and my body needs rest for the day ahead of me. Will write more on each day when this trip is over.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Reminded of Manna

"Manna came to mind and the way that God provided exactly enough for each day, but only one day at a time. and they always had enough. they had to trust God and only take what they needed for that day." [crystal lewis]

Sitting in my local Starbucks and the thought crossed my mind, "It's time to go blog reading." I have several people - including you - whose blogs I not only read but look forward to reading because I know I will always glean a bit of wisdom and encouragement from their words.

Your words above resonated as if God had written them just for me. I love how God's Word can do that for each and every person! He is GOOD!

My family and I are living a situation that is not uncommon in today's economy - really difficult financial times! My husband is self-employed and business has been all but scarce since December. Bills are backing up quicker than we can pay them and although his resume is out, businesses aren't exactly in hire mode at the moment. More people are being laid off than hired.

In a prior financial hard time - it's definitely a "seasonal" thing when self-employed, even when not in a recession - God taught us how to TRUST Him and depend on Him for EVERY thing. We went down to the bottom and stayed there for a while - and through much of it (last time) we feared all too often. Our enemy was constantly playing a future home movie of financial brokenness and bleakness, and we watched in fear, believing the enemy's lies instead of trusting in the God we serve. God brought us out of that financial pit in a way ONLY He could! And He is the one who received all the glory and praise - as it should be!

But upon reading your words - God's wisdom - I look back and know that when His rescue came in a BIG way, there were times [probably too many] that we took more than we needed for that day. We had drowned for a year and when abundance came we were not always wise with what we had. THAT IS THE VERY LESSON GOD IS TEACHING US THIS TIME AROUND - AND YOUR WORDS HAVE CONFIRMED IT FOR ME.

This time around, we know that we are walking a road with so many others. Times ARE tough. But, our God is TOUGHER! We have not feared this time, we dot not sit and watch the enemy's movie, our trust was burned in and we know - regardless of the outcome or what we will go through before that outcome is evident - "this too shall pass". And when it passes, we will come forth as Gold!

"Manna came to mind and the way that God provided exactly enough for each day, but only one day at a time. and they always had enough. they had to trust God and only take what they needed for that day."

These words are my gift for today. to carry in my heart and remember. to see God's confirmation of the lesson He put on my heart a few weeks ago, written through someone who doesn't even know me or my situation... BUT GOD DOES!

[this is my comment posted on crystal lewis' blog, but i wanted to remember these words, so i put them here]

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Going [back] To Yesterday

It's okay for "no going backwards to yesterday" to be a part of your vocabulary.

When [you] speak these words they hold


Let the words come from a different [mouth]
and these same words hold
[no value]
[no worth]
[no power]

What's the difference between [yesterday] and [today]
when one day they can be separated and defined by character
and the next they are blended by apathy and hypocrisy?

Saturday, March 7, 2009

but deliver us from evil... [skip moen]

Deliver - But do we really want to be delivered? Delivered means facing reality as it is, no fantasies, no band-aids, no idol protection. Maybe we aren’t so quick to be delivered because it’s so frightening. Isn’t that exactly what happens when we turn back to the idols that we have intended to forsake? We look to the very things that kept us apart from God. We turn from the Lord of hosts and retreat to the land of slavery. Why? For protection, of course.

But, protection from what? What is it that frightens us so much that we run back to those old patterns? My suspicion is that we are scared to death of ourselves. The reason we don’t want to look for protection from God is that God won’t protect our delusions. God’s protection is reality-protection. It is protection in the wilderness. And the last place we want to be is in the wilderness. The wilderness exposes who we really are.

I heard a preacher say that we need to have the courage to change, but that misses the point. I realize that I need to change (at least some part of my being acknowledges that I do not want to continue like this); but if I am perfectly honest, I find that some part of me prefers my idols. I like the house of delusion. It’s comforting. I don’t have to face myself in the mirror. The possibility of losing these delusions confronts me with great psychological dangers (identity, emotional coping, etc). I want change without hurt. I don’t think that I can really bear what it will take to truly clean up my act. I know that my current idols do not bring me real peace, rest or comfort. But I know them. They are familiar. They have lulled me into a false sense of escape many times. It’s a big temptation to stay there.

There is a reason why God lead the Israelites away from Canaan into the wilderness. There is a reason why He kept them there for forty years. He had to drive out the desire to return to the delusions of Egyptian slavery. He had to remove that false sense of security that comes from the familiar.

Idol worship doesn’t satisfy. It will anesthetize, but it won’t cure. So I want to change. But it’s not a matter of courage. The simple fact is this: I can’t change! I not only do not know how, I am also incapable of executing any real change in my behavior, because my will has been corrupted by the idol. I’m lost in the house of mirrors. Every direction looks the same. I don’t need courage. I need a guide.

Consider the images of Isaiah 26:3-6.

“The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for in God the Lord, we have an everlasting Rock. For He has brought low those who dwell on high, the unassailable city; He lays it low, He lays it low to the ground, He casts it to the dust. The foot will trample it, the feet of the afflicted, the steps of the helpless.”

The business card said, “Reflection Technician”, so I couldn’t help but ask. “What is a reflection technician?” “Oh,” he said, grinning. “I just put up mirrors.” That’s about the size of it. I just put up mirrors. That’s why I can’t find my way out. I don’t see anything but my own image and that image has been distorted by the idols of my choices.

Isaiah comes to me, bearing the voice of God. He says that those high places, the grand illusions that have dominated my life as I strolled the unassailable fortresses of my own mind, are being laid to waste. God will bring them to dust. And who will walk over their remains? The afflicted and the helpless. That’s the real me. Those images that I used to prop up my false sense of identity and security, the things I ran to when I felt I needed escape, are going to fall. Not because I can knock them down. No, God is going to bring them to ruin. And He is going to do that so that the afflicted and the helpless can tread on those false images. I don’t need courage. I need to realize that I am the afflicted and the helpless. I need to let God destroy my false sense of reality because I am powerless to do it myself.

Did you know it’s OK to be scared in the wilderness? The wilderness is a dangerous place. It is the place of death for those who are not under the care of a guide. But the wilderness is reality. We would prefer to run to the false security of the city, just like Cain. God sent Cain into the wilderness. God marked Cain to protect him. God wanted Cain to face himself and see who his real guardian was and what responsibilities guardianship had. But Cain built a city. So do most of us. And God has to come along and tear down our cities to drive us back into the wilderness where we must confront our helpless condition and run to Him. I don’t need courage. Courage in the wilderness is sheer folly. I need a steadfast mind; a mind that is clear enough to recognize that unless God protects me, I am lost.

So God tears down the high and protected places in our lives to reveal our affliction and helplessness. And all the while He says, “Trust me.” I don’t need courage to change. All I need is time to trust. God moves me out of my false security so that I will have the time to learn trust.

“Deliver us from evil” means destroy all those high and unassailable places in my life where I am not confronted with my affliction and helplessness. That’s the part I am most likely to want to hang on to. But it is an evil far worse than my outward actions. It is the evil that prevents me from entering into God’s care.

When you pray, “Deliver us from evil”, are you really asking God to tear down your false images, smash your addictive mirrors and trample under your hidden fortresses? When you pray, “Deliver us from evil” you ask God to go to war for you. Be ready. He will. [skip moen]

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

[No Regrets] Because I'm Who I AM?

If I had the chance
To go back again
Take a different road
Bear a lighter load
Tell an easy story
I would walk away
With my yesterdays
And I would not trade what is broken for beauty only
[Nichole Nordeman]-[Sunrise]

Listening to this song just now prompted a question in me?

"IF i COULD go back and do my life again (the adult part), would I do it?"

There's an old cliche (paraphrased loosely) that says: "I wouldn't change my life and I don't regret anything that's happened because I wouldn't be who I am today or know what I know without it all".

The lyrics to this song say essentially the same thing; restate the same basic principal.

I get it. I really do. Because I am wiser as a result of my life - all of the good and the not-so-good events along the way. BUT, my Spirit just doesn't agree with that perspective.

I know I have Teighlor and Alec - my beloved children - because of my marriage to Kevin, and I really can't imagine my life without them because they consume a place of my heart that no one else holds. BUT, had I married differently - say... actually consulted God on the choice - my Teighlor and Alec of today wouldn't exist, but I would have been given another Teighlor and Alec... or Emma and John... or Samantha and Nathan. I wouldn't miss the Teighlor and Alec I know today because God would have created different children within a different marriage. [Feels like I'm talking in circles but in my mind it all makes sense.]

Which leads me to answer the question "Would I?" with a resounding YES!

i DO have regrets in my life. i DO have choices that i would give ANYTHING to go back and change. i HAVE children that have lived through crap they shouldn't have because of my choices. i HAVE a regrettable past that was birthed from one tragic night when i was 19, followed by years of stupid, selfish and nearly insane choices.

i am who i am today because I cannot go back and change anything. and i embrace who i am and the life i live because I cannot go back and change anything. but i am NOT who God originally intended for me to be had i walked His perfect path; had i consulted Him before moving forward to the next stepping stone in my life.

I am not lamenting. I am simply considering the question... WOULD I?

And now I ask... WOULD YOU? If God came and told you that He would give you another chance to do it again (starting at 18), with no knowledge of the life you live currently, would you take Him up on His offer?

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Goodness Under Pressure

I'm committed to putting down in writing the big, small, significant [or seemingly insignificant] things God does in my life as they happen [or have happened] because I want to remember - need to reminded of - ALL the ways He takes care of me and shows me His inherent Goodness.

Yesterday, after picking the kids up from school, we stopped at the grocery store on the way home to pick up a few things. Things are TIGHT right now, so I turned this unexpected "field trip" into a teaching moment. Instead of me making all the decisions and them tagging along for the ride, I had the kids pitch in with ideas for meals that would feed us [some days the 4 of us, some days the 6 of us] for the week, right up through Sunday night when we take the girls back to their Mommy's house.

We had "this much" money to spend, and no more, so this became our challenge. Zigzagging through the store, we were on a search for any items on sale. 45 minutes later, the basket held our food for the week... almost. As we went through the items and the meal plans for each day, it quickly became clear that we were one day short. We didn't have a meal for Wednesday.

Teighlor showed me a coupon for chicken breasts packs - Buy One, Get Two Free - so over to the meat department we trekked. It turns out they were still packing, wrapping and labeling the chicken and wouldn't have any available for another 15 minutes. I was done shopping and was feeling icky from a day of all caffeine and no food, so I passed on the chicken and decided to head home without Wednesday's dinner.

Fast forward a couple hours and we get a call from Anthony's Mom. She's in Dallas a few days every week educating hospital staff on the ins and outs of a computer program she's used for years, so we've had the good fortune of getting a visit from her on a weekly basis. With baseball practice in full swing, the only night we have available for her to come over is Wednesday. Before my brain could go into panic mode upon remembering that it's the ONLY night for which I didn't grocery shop, she joyfully shares with us that she would love to cook for us, and she'll be bringing all the necessary items with her.

Mom is treating us. Dinner is now covered. God steered me away from spending money [I really didn't have to waste] on a dinner He had every intention of providing.

This morning I read a devotion about recognizing God's goodness in times of immense pressure; acknowledging the acts of kindness that flow from God's heart to us through the people He chooses on any given day.

This act is not going unnoticed. I see the intentionality of every part of this, and I declare the Goodness of my Father in Heaven!

Thank You, Jehovah-Jireh, for showing me Your faithfulness!

Monday, March 2, 2009

W.E.I.R.D. [in a good way]

Just had to jot this down...

Anthony and I are currently reading Piercing The Darkness by Frank Perretti, the book that follows This Present Darkness. This book has opened our eyes and ears again to the world that exists in the spiritual realm... the battle that rages on around us on a daily basis, even if we walk about pretending it doesn't exist. I believe it's Gods way of awakening our spirits to what we've chosen to ignore. to what we've buried so as to not be drawn into the world of warfare.

God gave us the room we subconciously asked for. He allowed us to retreat into our space of blissful ignorance. But only for so long...

As I was reading last night, I came across this line spoken from one angel to another in regard to a character in the book sharing with another believer [and just had to smile]...

"The words of one testimony shared. Our job is done here for now."

The words of one testimony were shared [Revelation 12:11] and the angels' job was to make sure she remained protected while she wrote them out.

Even in a book of fiction I am reminded of the power of our testimonies. Each and every one is important and is probably being used by God to impact someone else or move into motion His purpose or plan. I have to think about that this morning and truly come to a deep understanding that our words, my words, hold more power and use than I ever give them credit... or realize at times.

This is exciting but also brings responsibility with it. I am responsible for sharing the testimonies of God at work in my life. February came and went, and I didn't post one testimony of God's work in my life, as I had committed to at the beginning of the month. So, instead of wallowing in self-condemnation, I will turn my desire into action. I am committed!

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Around the corner...


These are the words that describe exactly what I was feeling when I woke up this morning. I woke up from a night of dreams that pelted me with a future reality of financial brokenness that is looming just around the corner, just days away.

I'm angry and fearful and doubtful and overwhelmed. My time to ESCAPE reality is at night when those hours are to be used for rest and a time of refreshing. But last night my reality played out in my mind, over and over again, and left me feeling worn out this morning.

I've lived through a financial abyss already. God RESCUED us! He didn't have to, but HE did. But this time the stakes are higher, the lag time much shorter, the consequences graver. This time my hope is dwindling for a rescue, and I'm not settled on losing yet. Last time I was settled. It was almost peaceful to rest in the fact that none of THIS really means anything. That I can live anywhere and with much less than I have and IT will all be okay.

I'm just not THERE yet, but I want to be because holding onto HOPE is just wearing on me. And hope for what? what am I hoping for? that I won't go through a season of loss? that I'll have to walk away from all that brings me comfort? that my life as I know it now will have to change?

Why do I CLING to these things? would it be SO bad to start new, with nothing? Honestly, I have to answer with a RESOUNDING YES! I don't want to lose the life I know. I don't want to walk away from the life that has been built for the past 2 years... BUT I may have to.

The problem is... I just don't know what's around the corner, what waits. Is it RESCUE of this life I know or is it ACCEPTANCE of starting over?