Saturday, March 20, 2010

In Preparation

for our trip west, i have been busy from the time i woke up until ... well, just about now. it's almost 10pm and i am finally winding down and feeling as if all that i needed to come together, has come together. when i think about the volume of things that i got done today, the list isn't as long as the day itself. it's just that getting to this place - just about finished - has taken the hours of today to accomplish.

with only five hours left until you arrive at our house, i'm not sure if i should lie down and try to get some sleep or tough it out. i'm kinda tired, so i'm thinking i'm gonna go lay down somewhere quiet and see if sleep will be my friend for a few hours. the kids have decided to stay awake and use the long day ahead of us to get in their hours of sleep. i don't blame them. fifteen hours in a car seems endless when first starting out.

well, that's about all that i wanted to get down before bidding adieu' to my life as i know it for the next week. i'm looking forward to the new memories this drive will bring. the new ism's that will accidentally pop out of our mouths. and the inevitable laughter at the silliest things that will eventually become a necessity when that thirteen hour in the car approaches.

even though it's over eight hours away, i'm looking forward to the first starbucks that will be open come sunrise.

Sleepless in Keller

there was "sleepless in seattle", so why not "sleepless in keller"?

it's just after 5AM and i've been awake since 3:30 when the thunder rolled on in. it was so loud it pulled me out of the dream i was in. i laid in bed for over 30 minutes listening to the rain fall, watching the lightning fill up the sky and counting the seconds until the thunder hit. that was all good fun [because i love thunder storms] until an hour later when i still found myself awake; and realizing that my body was once again doing it's weird sleep thang.

so, here i sit at my kitchen table. all the lights are off in the house. it's just me, the laptop and the sound of rain continuing to fall. everyone else is sleeping peacefully. exactly where i'd like to be, but...

by this time tomorrow i'll be on the road to arizona with you and the kids. [i can say you because you are the only one with permission to read my blog right now]. we'll have been in the car for just over two hours. i'm sure the kids will be asleep and we'll be watching the cities of texas pass us by.

i'm excited to finally see my parents' home and enjoy the free time: play some pool, take a walk to their local park, partner up for some pinochle and canasta games, or just sit and read a book. yes, alec will be bringing two school subjects with him because we totally flaked on school work this week while the girls were here. but the work won't take much time, so it won't really feel like work.

i'm hoping that this distance and time will bring two hearts some new perspective. i'm definitely not focusing on that while i'm gone, but it would be nice to come home in a different "place".

today i'll be spending the day finishing laundry and packing. i'm ready for whatever the week holds and i'm excited to get to see family again that i've missed.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

I Don't Believe...

in change, anymore.

i'm tired of pretending that change is a possibility.
i'm tired of hoping for the best and being dealt the opposite.
hope has become a four letter word to me ... even though it already is.

if i had a job, i'd seriously consider leaving.
but i don't ... so I can't.

i don't want to try anymore.
i don't want to move forward anymore.
i don't want to dream anymore.

i, also, don't want to leave my kids for a job.
i don't want to step out of mothering and teaching as a full-time job.
i don't want to be single, but i don't want to be married, either.
figure that one out...

i haven't spoken to my husband in three days.
unless i absolutely had to for things about the kids or plans or whatever.
he has tried to make peace with me.
peace to me = him not there.
so stop trying.

i wish i could take a month off of life and just go hang with my parents.
but i can't because i have responsibilities.
and responsibilities don't go away just because i'm tired.

there's a part of me that hates my husband.
and there's a part of me that wishes i couldn't even write that.

i heard jimmy evans tell me that God brings people together so that they can heal each other.
that works in a perfect world.
but our world ain't perfect.

one day i may look back at this and wonder.
wonder how my heart grew so cold and hard.
wonder how i ever had it in me to write such things.
right now, it's what consumes me.
right now, grace doesn't even cross my lips.
right now, moving forward is like asking me if I want to go to hell.

it's not that anything so huge happened to bring this about.
it's that nothing has changed.
words mean nothing to me when not backed up by action.
stop asking me to forgive you.
stop asking me to give you grace.

repent means CHANGE.
not ask for forgiveness over and over and over.

i know i'm hurting God's heart with these words.
i know i'm even placing myself in a bad spot with my enemy.
because i don't want to do anything that resolves this.
but this is my heart as it is right now.

and it's why i'm writing tonight.