Wednesday, May 21, 2008

When the Day Ends

I sat here with my fingers on the keys of my laptop for a good 15 seconds before I started typing. My head knows that I have to type this blog before I go to sleep but my heart doesn't want to. Yesterday morning (even though I'm still in the same "day" still), I know God prompted my heart to begin writing blogs again but to write them from a different perspective - one that is totally real, uncensored and unfiltered. When you know random people are reading your thoughts it doesn't make total transparency easy to come by.

How is it that I can have such an incredible day where I know God was moving through conversation and fellowship and where He generously provided through family, and then end it all badly because of a misunderstanding and/or miscommunication?

Why is it that when I feel I'm right - even if I'm not - I push my 'point' past the point of no return simply because I can?

I am struggling to find a balance between my body (the physical) and my heart (the companionship).

Where is the line between doing what's right in acts of selflessness and simply doing?

Why do I react so negatively to what is normal? At times my tongue speaks before I even have a chance to hear my own thoughts.

Lord, help me to understand my faults and flaws; to see beyond my questions to the answers.

Sunlight... Sonbright

Right now it's 2:30am, and I am still awake. I just got through reading some of the entries from Coli's Cambodia blog, but felt I needed to get a few thoughts off my chest before trying to retire for the night.

I had such an awesome day!!! It's been a long time - far too long - since I've had the privilege of spending an entire day with Coli. Long over due! Although my afternoon with her brought fun - a new haircut and prettier hair color - it was the morning hours we spent out in the front yard talking that were the highlight for me. I am always amazed at how God takes our walks with Him through such similar courses even when we have no idea that it's happening until we get together to share with each other.

We have both been struggling with our faith in what our future holds, in our belief that God will deliver what we believe He's promised us, in our ability to continue to hope and the effect it's all taken on our prayer lives at different times. Then there's the shutting down of our MySpace accounts because we both felt drawn to leave them behind - for the same reasons, around the same time. And, we both found our old blogspot accounts and began blogging again - for ourselves, not for others.

I told Coli and Anthony that I feel like Coli is my kin spirit. For years now we have found ourselves on like spiritual paths - uck, that sounds so zen-like - but, it's true. Today was just another confirmation of that. Although our circumstances are different, our struggles so mirror one another's.

There is a connection between us that crosses the age boundary. Even when we haven't talked in weeks - truly talked - we easily come back together and share as sisters.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Revisiting CHOICE

I was reading through a random sampling of my past blog posts and 'just so happened' to stop on this one. I'm posting it again because my past words resonate in such a present way. I will be writing more in depth on what the past 6 months have held and all that God has been doing in that time, but for now I'll just leave this here.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

"Hallelujah... Hallelujah. Whatever's in front of me, help me to sing Hallelujah.
Hallelujah... Hallelujah. Whatever's in front of me, I'll choose to sing Hallelujah"

From the very first time I heard the chorus of this song, I was moved by the simple, yet poignant, transition in the verb usage from the first line to the second. Bethany Dillon very accurately pens in her lyrics the necessary step in moving from asking for the Lord's help in praising Him for whatever lies ahead, to the Believer making a conscious choice to praise the Lord for all that lies ahead in life.

As a Christian, I have access to my awesome God 24/7... and He's always faithful to listen to my prayers and help me. But as I grow in my spiritual maturity and my faith grows deeper, I begin to understand that I have so many choices in life that God can't make for me....

The choice to life joyfully or sorrowfully
The choice to forgive or hold a grudge
The choice to move ahead or fall behind
The choice to live in freedom or stay in bondage
The choice to laugh or cry
The choice to smile or frown
And I have the choice to Praise the Lord (sing Hallelujah) for whatever He allows and purposes in my life or I can blame God and let life defeat me.

What's MY choice?

PS - Today I'm adding a couple choices born out of growth since writing this post 2 years ago...

The choice to bless or curse
The choice to fight or flee
The choice to intercede or stand on the sidelines
The choice to believe or doubt
And still I have the choice the sing Hallelujah