[H.E.R.]

My day began with a wake up text from [H.E.R.]
My morning was consumed by [H.E.R.]
A fight broke out because of [H.E.R.]
A phone call was made to gain perspective about [H.E.R.]
My afternoon was supposed to be the end of [H.E.R.]
But my evening mail was another reminder of [H.E.R.]
And my night was invaded once again by [H.E.R.]
To top it all off, even my "good nights" were separated because of [H.E.R.]

I'm a bit [D.O.N.E.] with [H.E.R.] today!

Can you tell?!?!?!?

Ever H.E.A.R. A Smile?

I'd never asked myself that question until this afternoon in church. We were coming to the end of our worship time - good worship time - and were asked to close our eyes (mine already were) and ask the Holy Spirit what He wanted to say to us... and then listen. Normally when I ask this question I do get a "wordy" response, of some kind. This time there were no words communicated - just a smile - one that I couldn't actually see still but felt. And even though I couldn't see this smile, it communicated so much to me...

I AM Love
I AM Joy
I AM Peace
I AM Patience
I AM Goodness
I AM Kindness
I AM Gentleness
I AM Faithfulness
I AM Self-Control

And then this thought occurred to me... I never knew I could hear a smile!

Only O.N.E. [a song of sorts without a melody]

See to it no one takes you captive
In preaching twisted theology
They'll tell you ALL roads lead to heaven
But what you get is not what you see

Masters at spinning their web of lies
With a goal to defraud and deceive
On the surface they appear to be one of us
Look closely, things aren't what they seem

There is only one God and only one Lord
He says I AM the truth and the way
There is only one faith, One Father in Heaven
Don't be fooled into falling away

Just as Eve was deceived by the serpent
You cling to whatever they say
Your heart is what they're after
I fear you'll be led astray

They're pulling you into their circle
Can't you see that you're being deceived
They preach a different Jesus
A different Spirit
A different Gospel
Than the one that you first believed

There is only one God and only one Lord
He says I AM the truth and the way
There is only one faith, One Father in Heaven
Don't be fooled into falling away

What I do I will continue to do
Cutting the ground out from under the feet
Of those who claim their work is for YOU
But their words are so full of deceit

For men such as these have fooled you
Disguised as servants of Christ
No wonder your heart misleads you
Even Satan's called Angel of Light

There is only one God and only one Lord
He says I AM the truth and the way
There is only one faith, One Father in Heaven
Don't be fooled into falling away

[began writing this on february 14, 2005 and inspired to finish it today... february 14, 2009]

Influenced by: 2 Corinthians 11 & Ephesians 4:5-6

A Life In The Making

Walking around with my head in the sand
I fell prey like so many of us do
My heart not yet settled, still finding my way
Unaware of what You planned to do

For too many years I wasted my days
Aimlessly swimming through filth-ridden seas
Of promised fulfillment in all of the things
That this world had to offer me

Trudging through sin on my road to redemption
I always knew in Whom I believed
With one hand in the fire and one stretched out to You
I personified dichotomy

I grew up singing songs of how Jesus loved me
Read my Bible and learned how to pray
But my walk was sustained on the milk of the Word
Not taking much for my heart to stray

The world had my "friends" that I thought I could change
I WAS DIFFERENT but soon I'd see
God's never wrong and that's why He said
Good morals fall to bad company

Never grounded in faith, never choosing to stand
A prime target for my enemy
How could I expect to hear Your voice
When submerged in my own apathy

I began searching for purpose in life
Desperately seeking to find a way
To lay my past at the foot of Your cross
To taste life that's new everyday

Then one evening You opened a door
And began unveiling the mysteries
Of Your truth and love and power at hand
What once was hidden I now could see

The people I live with or pass on the street
Are just pawns in this battle I fight
My enemy, Satan, and his soldiers at arms
Wage the war to extinguish the light

For I do not fight against flesh and blood
But against rulers and authorities
That come only to steal, kill and destroy
All that Jesus desires for me

Yet this I know, the God I serve
Has already defeated my enemy
He holds my world in the palm of His hand
And with the other He carries me

Do you hunger and yearn for so much more?
Are you seeking a chance for new life?
He will do for you what He did for me
When you ask and you seek, you will find

My life's been changed in so many ways
By a God with unfailing love
Your life can change
You're just a prayer away
Hear His call, take His hand, accept His Son

[began writing this on february 10, 2005, finished it today]

Paul [Paraphrased]

I witnessed the killing of Stephen
Put men and women in jail
For believing in Christ, the Son of God
My mission? to watch them fail

As I neared the town of Damascus
A brilliant light beamed down on me
I fell to the ground and heard a voice say
Saul, why do you persecute me?

My eyes were blinded for three days
During this time I fasted and prayed
A believer was sent to heal me
And the scales from my eyes fell away

Yes, I was a chosen instrument
To take Your message to the Gentiles and Jews
I then became the persecuted one
For preaching on high the Good News

Five times I took thirty-nine lashes
Three times I was beaten with rods
In toil and hardship, in hunger and thirst
Frequently driven to fasting by want

My life is one worth boasting about
But that's something you'll never hear me do
For no one should think more highly of me
Than what they see in my life through YOU

Let not the wise man gloat in his wisdom
Or the strong man brag of his might
Let not the rich man flaunt his riches
Or the prophet seek praise for his sight

So, if I must speak, I would rather boast
About how weak in the flesh I've become
That the power of Christ may be shown in me
For when I am weak, then I'm strong

[began writing on february 10, 2005 and inspired to finish on february 14, 2009]

Influenced by: 2 Corinthians 12 & Jeremiah 9

It Turns Out...

For weeks now I'd been looking forward to being a part of the Kari Jobe CD Release Party at my church. Her voice is one that ministers to me in a unique way, and her music is what I often choose when needing to worship and be drawn into the throne room of God. I knew last night's event was going to be more than a Kari Jobe concert - it was going to be a night of worship [very reminiscent of a Shawn McDonald concert], and my spirit was craving a really good night of worship. So, what better target for my enemy, right?

My plans were set. I knew exactly what time I had to be out of my house to be able to get a seat at church, anticipating that the Southlake campus was going to be full.

Then the enemy stepped in... in the form of a child who needed to be corrected and disciplined for an act of deception and manipulation. An incident that should have taken 5 - maybe 10 - minutes to deal with was extended to an hour due to a stubborn will and stole my planned time to get ready. So, at the last minute, I was jumping in the shower and doing everything I could to get out of the house 1/2 hour later than I had originally planned. This 1/2 hour guaranteed my inability to get a seat.

As I walked in and found everyone being redirected to the upstairs overflow rooms [to watch on video monitors], my anger rose within me. I was still frustrated over the incident from earlier simply because it was one more infraction pointing to more disaster to come, but now that choice, followed by a stubborn will, had stolen my ability to participate in this worship event. My anger grew more intense. I wasn't stomping around the place but I was silently having a conversation with my child [unbeknownst to her] letting her know of the additional consequence of her decisions - one that directly impacted me. My enemy knew how much I was looking forward to this night and I'm sure he was laughing at me, in a not-so-nice kind of way.

I purchased the CD and got ready to leave and then decided to pop my head into the sanctuary just so I could get a look at the stage before I headed home. I [at least] wanted to see what, if anything, they had done to transform the stage for this evening.

This is when God stepped in... and worked in my favor in spite of my attitude. There were all kinds of people standing in the back of sanctuary - without hope of getting a seat - so I joined them and waited to be herded out by the ushers.

It turns out... standing was allowed as long as you didn't block a door.
It turns out... I ended up getting a "standing place" that had a perfect view of the stage.
It turns out... the air conditioning wasn't able to keep up with all the body heat of an overly packed room, so they had to open the doors to lobby.
It turns out... I was right by one of the doors and was cooled by a constant breeze from the foyer.
It turns out... the night of worship I had so looked forward to 'turned out' to be even better than I had ancitipated and I walked away refreshed, encouraged and moved by God's goodness.

It turns out... I was once again reminded that I serve a God who is for me and bigger than my enemy.

It's Not [w.h.y.] but {How L O N G}

We didn't go to church this morning. I was awake in time to get ready, but I chose to enjoy the additional cuddle time with my husband instead. When Anthony acknowledged that he needed some extra sleep, I decided to get up and seclude myself in the office and enjoy worship through Gateway's online service broadcast.

I knew that I was entering into worship with a heavy heart. That I was carrying the burden of financial worries upon my shoulders and the fear of too many "what ifs?" in my arms. That my flesh had been reminding me for too many days of the desperate urgency of my desired miracle, and my heart was beseeching God for a rescue, once again.

I can't remember what song was sung first because I wasn't participating just yet, I was praying... confessing my doubt and fear, casting my burdens - all that I was CHOOSING to carry - at the foot of the cross, and asking God to refresh my spirit with His grace and mercies that are new everyday. Tears were rolling down my cheeks because I knew that I was really confessing a lack of faith, all due to the circumstances that surrounded me. When standing in the presence of God, what I struggle with often strikes me as ridiculous.

In the midst of my prayer a new song was being taught. I immediately smiled, knowing that God was reminding me, in that moment, that He is FaithFULL... always. I dropped to my knees and soaked in the words of Faithful God. So fittingly, worship moved straight into Overcome.

As worship closed, three words were spoken that pierced my heart - [w.h.y.] and {How L O N G?}. It was another 'righting of perspective' in my soul.

In the midst of our circumstances, our trials and tribulations, our storms, do we ask [w.h.y.] or do we ask {How L O N G?}? Here's the difference:

[w.h.y.] - is asked because I am questioning whether or not God is with me, if He is really on my side, wondering if He has somehow left me to fend for myself in the very midst of my trial.

{How L O N G?} - fully acknowledges God's involvement in my situation, voices my understanding that He is right there with me, that He has neither left me nor forsaken me. I'm simply asking how much longer will I have to stand in the fire of the refiner's furnace? I'm expressing the fact that I am worn out and that my desire is to be released and rescued.

There is a huge chasm of difference between the questions of [w.h.y.] and {How L O N G?} .

[w.h.y.] is born out of an arrogance, out of an attitude that I "don't deserve" to be (here)... why ME?... what did I do? [w.h.y.] is self-centered.

{How L O N G?} is born out of our weakness and His strength... simply pursues the power of God's right hand to lift us out of our storm... admits our inability to proceed under our own strength.

Hebrews 4:2 says:

For indeed we have had the good news proclaimed to us just as truly as they [the Israelites of old did when the good news of deliverance from bondage came to them]; but the message they heard did not benefit them, because it was not mixed with faith (with the leaning of the entire personality on God in absolute trust and confidence in His power, wisdom, and goodness) by those who heard it; neither were they united in faith with the ones [Joshua and Caleb] who heard (did believe).

And this is the moral of the story: We have all been given the Word of God and we have all been give a measure of faith. But unless our faith is united with the Word, there is no benefit for us. Our faith must stand alongside God's Word.

Good Night

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

I just needed to go to sleep with a reminder of who my Savior is, how He loves me and the power He holds. Jesus, I am asking and I am imagining, but more importantly, I just want to love You and be near You and go to sleep wrapped in your peace!

Living or Just Surviving?

I read a comment on my post 3:30 a.m. and it really stopped me in my tracks and made me think...

"You can't keep living like this. It isn't really living as much as it's surviving."

I AGREE!

For the better part of a year, or more, my body has gone through tremendous changes related to hormone levels, and these changes have been and are continuing to take their toll on me. From one day to the next, I wake up battling a host of symptoms from intense fatigue to chronic headaches to severe cramps to nausea. I feel like I'm in a constant state of first-term pregnancy, without the hope of reaching my fourth month so my symptoms will dissipate.

My skin has changed: most lotions won't even keep it moist for more than an hour or two; my hair has lost all its shine and silkiness: it looks like a head full of fuzz unless I straighten it; and my face has aged 5 years in the past 12 months (or so I think): unbalanced hormones reek havoc on a person's fountain of youth.

Not to mention another huge side affect of plummeting hormones - specifically testosterone - my sex drive is non-existent; it's not even in the toilet, it's in the underground well with no bucket available for reaching its contents. I got married (after 7 years of single-mom celibacy) and enjoyed a very healthy sex life... oh, all for about 6-8 months... and then the changes started happening. Just the thought of sex wears me out and I'm ONLY 41! This should not be happening!

I finally just begged my doctor to put me on the pill, hoping it would level me out and bring a sense of peace to my daily life. What I've discovered is that the pill only targets 2 of the 6-8 hormones that are biologically responsible for keeping a woman's body in balance. And these two hormones - estrogen and progesterone - are considered minor hormones when compared to DHEA and Cortisol, which are considered major hormones. So, just putting a small dose of those two hormones in my body has done nothing to balance me out.

I've done some extensive research in the past month and have been privileged to watch a couple TV shows on this exact subject matter. I do believe there is a "cure" out there for me (besides Jesus reaching down and fixing me with a miracle) but my other option - Bioidentical Hormone Replacement Therapy - is too out of the box for modern insurance companies, so it's not covered. Unless I can find $1000 for the initial testing and doctor visits - and then another $100-150 a month for the BHRT - this option is just a dream.

So, I continue to trudge forward. Living with a body that feels more like 55 than 41, and continue to pray that God will either choose to heal me or provide above and beyond my dreams [financially] to seek out the BHRT option.

I'm tired of Just Surviving... I want to LIVE again!

3:30 a.m.

I can't believe it's 3:30 am and I'm awake
Reading through the grocery store ads
Looking for the deals for the week
Eating a bowl of Special K with red berries
Because my stomach was completely empty
From not eating all day
Then finally eating dinner @ 5:30pm
That meal sat, undigested, in my stomach
For over 4 hours
Until it finally decided that it could no longer stay in stomach
So, up and out it came
Went to bed @ 10:30pm feeling miserable
Had bad cramps all day that wore me out by days' end
Again I state
My body is whacked
Which is why I'm probably awake @ 3:30am

The Pen Of The Ready Writer

One would think that I hadn't written a blog in weeks, what with the volume of blogs I've posted in one day... oops, make that two because January turned into February, and Saturday turned into Sunday, during this blog-a-thon.

I've been told by several people, two who were complete strangers, that it's important for me to not only write but to get my testimonies on paper; to write them down so that I can not only be reminded of what God has done for me, but also allow these testimonies to be a source of encouragement and builders of faith for others. This is really what's behind the title of my new blog, along with the scripture in Revelation 12.

As I was compiling all the blogs from various sites to build this new one, I had the opportunity - more than once - to see each and every blog that's posted; lots of stories, some poetry and a bit of venting, but not so many testimonies. God has been whispering to my heart, urging me, prodding me, to start writing actual testimonies and not just get caught up in what I may have learned that day or some memory that I want to capture for posterity.

So, I've decided to set aside time to do that this month, to make a difference (maybe) with my words, by remembering through writing, the circumstances that turned into testimonies... to be the pen of the ready writer.

No TIME Like The Present

I've been blogging for over an hour now and in the midst of my rants I realized that I'd turned the corner on another day and another month. It's now February 1st. Weird to think that only an hour ago it was January.

So, I'm now looking at 28 days, or 672 hours, or 40,320 minutes, or 2,419,200 seconds to make a difference and to pray for and see change in circumstances for this specific month that I'm living... one that I can never relive once it passes.