With the beginning of a new year - and my choice to fully embrace the philosophy that a flip from one page of the calendar to the next CAN really make a difference - I've found myself truly pondering 2008 and asking myself the big question... Why?
Why am I so eager - this year - to start new with 2009 and leave 2008 in the past? Well, it's not like I really have a choice about leaving 2008 in the past because it's now part of my past whether I like it or not. But WHY is it important for me this year to start new and start fresh?
As I sat in tub just a few minutes ago, I had one thought about 2008... It really was the hardest year of my life, and that's saying a lot considering some of the years through which I've lived.
What makes this past year different is that I felt out of control both physically and emotionally, two things I've never really battled before. I've always "prided" myself on being athletic and possessing the ability to change the shape of my body through discipline and simply determining one day... to just do it! I've also "prided" myself on being a strong person emotionally and being able to push through even when life was throwing one curve ball after another at me.
This past year I experienced my body throttle full speed into a state of total anarchy where my hormones literally took control of my body and and played with me like a cat plays with a trapped mouse. There hasn't been a roller coaster built yet that can compare to the twists, turns, peaks and plummeting drops that my body experienced from day to day. Somewhere between 40 and 41, my body committed a "freaky friday", except I felt like I switched bodies with a 50 year old women in the throws of full menopause instead of a drama queen teenager.
Physically, I didn't know my body anymore and my emotions seemed more than happy to go along for the ride. At some point I literally found myself asking this question, "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" Actually, it was, "Which went all wacky first, my emotions or my body?" I didn't know what my body was going to do from day to day, and I never knew in which emotional state I was going to find myself when I woke up.
I battled constant fatigued, sporadic nausea, inconsistently consistent headaches, and... something I never really knew if I truly believed in... depression. Well, now I believe it does exist and it wielded its sword against me in battle all year long. I can now dub 2008... The Year I Chose NOT To Care.
And, I don't know, maybe choice isn't the word that exactly fits because I was fully capable of acknowledging that I didn't care about so many things, but I just couldn't find a way to actually make myself care. I watched my life change, my body change, my home change... and I didn't care. The house was dirty... so. The laundry didn't get done... so. My clothes no longer fit... so. I haven't given myself a pedicure in 2 months... so. I haven't engaged in bath tub worship for months... so. I can't remember the last time I prayed consistently for a week straight... so. I feel disconnected from everyone... so. My family is reaping the consequences of my behavior... so.
Wow! When I read it in black and white, I realize just how much I stopped caring about. So, it's easy for me recognize WHY my heart is so embracing the opportunity for a fresh start, for a new outlook and for a season of change. I NEED IT!
January 1st may be just a "tomorrow" when I'm standing at the door of December 31st, but this year my "tomorrow" brings with it hopes and dreams of a year of change... and joy... and smiles... and laughter...
I know I didn't grammatically end that last sentence correctly. I'm doing that on purpose. I'm leaving my options open for more.