Monday, January 12, 2009


What are you really hungry for?
I'm hungry for purpose. I'm hungry for finding the greater purpose in what I do... and too much of what I do seems so mundane to me. I want to fit comfortably into my role as wife, mother, teacher and caretaker of my home. I struggle against worldly standards that preach I have to do MORE to not feel like a failure. I'm hungry to know that I'm truly making a difference in the lives of my children as they are raised. I am a full-time Mom and teacher more than anything else because I daily impact the lives of children I am responsible for raising into Godly, responsible adults.

Why are you overweight?
Because I really like food... the taste of it, the smell of it, the feeling of joy it provides. Food is not just a "necessity for life" kind of thing; it is a component of daily satisfaction. It satisfies cravings, while at the same time bringing more. It brings me comfort when I'm feeling down. It is my guilty pleasure when no one else is around. It's something to do when I'm bored. It's fun to eat and it's become a crutch.

Why have you been unable to maintain weight loss in the past?
In the past year, I've lost my "mind over matter" discipline. I haven't cared about the way I've looked or the fact that I was outgrowing my clothes; I simply ate because it felt good, without thought of the consequences. I haven't cared about me or who I became in this eating journey. I lost my desire to work out or to stay healthy, and I never found a way to pick it back up.

What in your life is not working?
My body, for starters. My body changed drastically in 2008. I battled hormonal fluctuations that were affecting every other aspect of my life and because that battle took its toll on me physically, I gave up emotionally. I had expectations for every part of my life - especially my marriage - and when those expectations were not met, the defeated emotions played into and fueled the fire for what was already wreaking havoc in me physically. I was told on Christmas Eve - and I've since pondered it greatly, time and time again - that I simply have not learned how to live with my spouse and vice versa. It's such a simplistic view, but in so many ways, it has burned in my heart. I could write a lot about the independent events of 2008 that didn't work, but they're really not important. What is important is that I am taking control of my fluctuating hormones through being on The Pill, and Anthony and I are completely proactive in investigating every road that will teach us how "to live with each other".

Why do you want to lose weight?
I HATE the way I look and feel. I know I will never be a supermodel size 0 or even a size 6 for that matter, but my perspective on how I used to look has changed. I look at pictures of me from just a few years ago - when I thought I was "fat" - and yearn to be that "fat" again. I really did have a nice shape... a normal shape... one that was attainable for most people and not by just the blessed few with hypermetabolisms or the ability to just not eat. I was healthy looking. I was not super skinny, but I've never been skinny. I've always been athletic and I really like that about me. I'll never be a woman with a ballerina body, but I don't think I ever wanted that anyway. I want to look good again. Good being about healthy and toned. I want to feel good again. Good being about healthy and toned. I love the feeling of workout and the results of sweating for a purpose. I just have to dig down and find the ability to get back to work so that I can love the work again. I want to deserve to be called beautiful when my husband sees me in my birthday suit. Not a beautiful that the world sees, but the beautful I felt even on my honeymoon from less than 2 years ago. I've gained 18 pounds since I've been married. That's just NOT okay... on anyone's terms. It's definitely not attractive on my body and it's completely unhealthy for me, considering that I'm not 20 anymore. My body is getting older and my weight will affect my health... if not today, then tomorrow. I once got down to a size 8 - a true size 8 - after working out extensively after having Alec. I thought then that I was still "fat" because I couldn't wear a 5, a size I've always been fixated on. Even with compliments about the way I looked - and I now know that I DID look good - I wasn't satisfied because 8 was still considered large by worldly standards. Now, I don't care about the world or what it says about anyone over a size 2. Who really wears a size 2 anyway??? I don't personally know 1 adult woman who actually wears a size 2, so that standard is only practical in Hollywood. I would be tremendously happy just being a nice size 10. Seriously, I would. And that's going to be my long-term goal; not reachable in 2 months, but definitely reachable for my body. I always thought 10 meant I was super-sized, but I look at pictures of myself when I was a 10 and think now... "Crap, I looked HOT! What was I thinking????"

Okay, so I've completed the soul-searching question and answer portion. I'm setting my mind to a purpose and goal and I will not give up until I get there! I don't want a brand new wardrobe, I just want to be able to get back into the one I really liked!

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