Friday, January 9, 2009


What are you really hungry for?
Why are you overweight?
Why have you been unable to maintain weight loss in the past?
What in your life is not working?
Why do you want to lose weight?

These are 5 questions that were put before viewers on the Oprah show this past Monday. No, I am not an Oprahite - and I can't remember the last time I actually watched her show - but I wasn't feeling well on Monday and saw that she was doing a new year show on weight gain, so I decided to watch... knowing I was in that category and looking to see what I might glean from her fitness experts.

Well, I haven't actually taken the time to answer these 5 questions yet, but I will be this weekend because Monday is D-day for me. I am so fed up with how I look and how I feel that I'm ready to do anything, and I do mean anything, to not feel like a person who should be moo'ing instead of speaking.

I got on the scale tonight, something I know I shouldn't have done because I started my period late yesterday, and I weight 8 more pounds today that I did just 4 months ago. 8 STINKING pounds! I weigh a disgusting 168 pounds, and I almost cried when I saw the number. The only reason I didn't cry is because I was so angry that I wanted to throw the scale at the wall; not because it's the scales fault but for the sheer laziness and lackadaisical attitude about food and exercise that has brought me to my highest weight since giving birth 12 years ago.

I seriously look like someone who is 5 months pregnant or someone who just gave birth and now needs to lose her baby weight. I have a belly that is flabby and actually hangs over my jeans. I put on a long sweater/shirt tonight that I bought this past summer and felt good in and couldn't believe how much I've expanded between my hips and my boobs. I've got middle-aged spread!!!

I always looked at other women who let themselves get that paunch and thought, "why don't you just do 50 sit-ups today so that your husband doesn't have to look at that. how lazy can you be?" Well, I've never had to fight a flabby stomach except for after being pregnant, and now I look just like the women I judged.

I'm so completely disgusted with the way I've let myself go. Honestly, I don't even know how my husband looks at me naked and doesn't shudder at the sight. I know that weight isn't everything and it doesn't change how much you love someone, but I don't deserve in any way his compliments of how beautiful I am. I may not be the size of other women I know who may look at me and crave just to be my size, but that doesn't change the fact that I know what I've allowed my body to become from what it normally is - and I don't like it one bit. I can honestly say that I HATE the way I look, from every angle, no matter what I'm wearing.

If finally feeling self-loathing is what it's going to take for me to get on the treadmill and push through sit-ups on a daily basis, then I'm going to welcome this new friend. I am going to take the most unflattering picture of myself that I can think of - with clothes on, of course - and tack it to my refrigerator and pantry. That way I will have no excuse for eating crap that is only going to add to this jelly-roll belly and cellulite-ridden backside.

Less than 2 years ago, I bought a size 8 wedding dress and thought - even then - that I could stand to lose 10-15 pounds to look good. Now, I can't believe that my perspective was so warped to think that a size 8 wasn't worthy of beauty. So WARPED, I was!

No comments:

Post a Comment