FEAR
ANGER
DESPAIR
DISCOURAGEMENT
DOUBT
FAITHLESSNESS
OVERWHELMED
These are the words that describe exactly what I was feeling when I woke up this morning. I woke up from a night of dreams that pelted me with a future reality of financial brokenness that is looming just around the corner, just days away.
I'm angry and fearful and doubtful and overwhelmed. My time to ESCAPE reality is at night when those hours are to be used for rest and a time of refreshing. But last night my reality played out in my mind, over and over again, and left me feeling worn out this morning.
I've lived through a financial abyss already. God RESCUED us! He didn't have to, but HE did. But this time the stakes are higher, the lag time much shorter, the consequences graver. This time my hope is dwindling for a rescue, and I'm not settled on losing yet. Last time I was settled. It was almost peaceful to rest in the fact that none of THIS really means anything. That I can live anywhere and with much less than I have and IT will all be okay.
I'm just not THERE yet, but I want to be because holding onto HOPE is just wearing on me. And hope for what? what am I hoping for? that I won't go through a season of loss? that I'll have to walk away from all that brings me comfort? that my life as I know it now will have to change?
Why do I CLING to these things? would it be SO bad to start new, with nothing? Honestly, I have to answer with a RESOUNDING YES! I don't want to lose the life I know. I don't want to walk away from the life that has been built for the past 2 years... BUT I may have to.
The problem is... I just don't know what's around the corner, what waits. Is it RESCUE of this life I know or is it ACCEPTANCE of starting over?
I hoped I would find a blog about this here tonight. I didn't want to miss this stage of your processing.
ReplyDeleteWhen the Holy Spirit spoke what I texted you, I started praying that He would tell you where the provision will come from. Like fresh ideas for new clients. Something like that. At least that's how I immediately interpreted and applied what He said. But after reading this blog, I realize things may not be this simple. Yes, this could just be a faith building exercise. A reminder to remain patient. But as you explained, you could be on the brink of real change.
It's totally okay for you to want to keep the life you have!! As long as you have already told God you would give it up, at His request. I believe that heart surrender is all He expects. And believe me, I've asked Him what He expects. haha Really, I don't think He expects you to dwell on the possibility of a change. Or to plan for it. Definitely not to emotionally prepare for it. Those are all things He would guide you through if He actually asked you to make a change. But since He hasn't, there really isn't a need for you to struggle with the idea just yet. You don't have to want it. You just have to be willing to go that route, in the event that is where He leads you. And I know you are already there!
So don't get discouraged because you aren't ready to sign up for any more loss. Don't put that expectation on yourself. If that is what it comes to, He'll give you the perspective you need. Right now, we can keep pleading for provision!!
P.S. I am really into photographing birds right now. Something about the live moments with them just amazes me. God sent that bird to the tire of the car right in front of me, as I was walking. It was SO cool. So that picture speaks to me too.
ReplyDeleteOkay, back to real life.