These are the words that describe exactly what I was feeling when I woke up this morning. I woke up from a night of dreams that pelted me with a future reality of financial brokenness that is looming just around the corner, just days away.
I'm angry and fearful and doubtful and overwhelmed. My time to ESCAPE reality is at night when those hours are to be used for rest and a time of refreshing. But last night my reality played out in my mind, over and over again, and left me feeling worn out this morning.
I've lived through a financial abyss already. God RESCUED us! He didn't have to, but HE did. But this time the stakes are higher, the lag time much shorter, the consequences graver. This time my hope is dwindling for a rescue, and I'm not settled on losing yet. Last time I was settled. It was almost peaceful to rest in the fact that none of THIS really means anything. That I can live anywhere and with much less than I have and IT will all be okay.
I'm just not THERE yet, but I want to be because holding onto HOPE is just wearing on me. And hope for what? what am I hoping for? that I won't go through a season of loss? that I'll have to walk away from all that brings me comfort? that my life as I know it now will have to change?
Why do I CLING to these things? would it be SO bad to start new, with nothing? Honestly, I have to answer with a RESOUNDING YES! I don't want to lose the life I know. I don't want to walk away from the life that has been built for the past 2 years... BUT I may have to.
The problem is... I just don't know what's around the corner, what waits. Is it RESCUE of this life I know or is it ACCEPTANCE of starting over?