Thursday, February 5, 2009

Living or Just Surviving?

I read a comment on my post 3:30 a.m. and it really stopped me in my tracks and made me think...

"You can't keep living like this. It isn't really living as much as it's surviving."


For the better part of a year, or more, my body has gone through tremendous changes related to hormone levels, and these changes have been and are continuing to take their toll on me. From one day to the next, I wake up battling a host of symptoms from intense fatigue to chronic headaches to severe cramps to nausea. I feel like I'm in a constant state of first-term pregnancy, without the hope of reaching my fourth month so my symptoms will dissipate.

My skin has changed: most lotions won't even keep it moist for more than an hour or two; my hair has lost all its shine and silkiness: it looks like a head full of fuzz unless I straighten it; and my face has aged 5 years in the past 12 months (or so I think): unbalanced hormones reek havoc on a person's fountain of youth.

Not to mention another huge side affect of plummeting hormones - specifically testosterone - my sex drive is non-existent; it's not even in the toilet, it's in the underground well with no bucket available for reaching its contents. I got married (after 7 years of single-mom celibacy) and enjoyed a very healthy sex life... oh, all for about 6-8 months... and then the changes started happening. Just the thought of sex wears me out and I'm ONLY 41! This should not be happening!

I finally just begged my doctor to put me on the pill, hoping it would level me out and bring a sense of peace to my daily life. What I've discovered is that the pill only targets 2 of the 6-8 hormones that are biologically responsible for keeping a woman's body in balance. And these two hormones - estrogen and progesterone - are considered minor hormones when compared to DHEA and Cortisol, which are considered major hormones. So, just putting a small dose of those two hormones in my body has done nothing to balance me out.

I've done some extensive research in the past month and have been privileged to watch a couple TV shows on this exact subject matter. I do believe there is a "cure" out there for me (besides Jesus reaching down and fixing me with a miracle) but my other option - Bioidentical Hormone Replacement Therapy - is too out of the box for modern insurance companies, so it's not covered. Unless I can find $1000 for the initial testing and doctor visits - and then another $100-150 a month for the BHRT - this option is just a dream.

So, I continue to trudge forward. Living with a body that feels more like 55 than 41, and continue to pray that God will either choose to heal me or provide above and beyond my dreams [financially] to seek out the BHRT option.

I'm tired of Just Surviving... I want to LIVE again!

1 comment:

  1. White sox. Well, not life in general. Just this particular part that you can't get away from right now. I tell J all the time how thankful I am for my health. Having something wrong with my body honestly scares me, because sometimes there isn't much you can do about it. This isn't exactly encouragement, I know. Just truly realizing how much you would like this to change! I need to start praying with you. At 41, you have much more life to live! And intimacy to share. :)