It's THAT Time Again...

(Teighlor at 17 months old: her first move)

I can't say that I'm excited to approach THIS particular season again, but I can say I know that we're moving again for the right reasons. Yep, I said it. MOVING AGAIN.

Honestly, typing those words at 4:45am (yep ... A.M.) when I have yet to go to bed (feeling icky), feels exhausting--not only because I know I need sleep but because the thought of enduring the moving process in just over six weeks seems daunting and overwhelming ... today. Just like the Texas weather: catch me tomorrow and I may feel differently.

This will be move #5 within the borders of this great state since our initial relocation to Texas in December 2006. Yep ... numero cinco. Each move has had its share of necessary reasons and each time I've approached the move with anticipation of the unknown. "It's exciting to start fresh. Be somewhere new. Pack and get rid of things unneeded. Unpack and see the familiar stuff take on a fresh look in a different environment."

But this time around, I'm not yet there--to that place where the anticipation of the unknown has bubbled up in me. All I can think about is the fact that while we know we are moving (June 15 to be exact) we have no idea what our new address will be. We believe we'll be moving back to the NRH area to be within the boundaries of Birdville High School, but even that isn't written in stone yet--it's just the most plausible outcome.

Our desire is to move from this "apartment home" into an actual house, with no neighbors sharing walls or walking above us or us needing to tread lightly for the neighbors below. We had to make the transition from house to apartment back in 2010 for the sake of the budget. And when we moved here (to Roanoke) in September 2011 for the sake of a commute for a job change we weren't anticipating, we came as close to moving into a house as we could without the expense. This place really does feel like a house (minus the aforementioned treading lightly issue, but we've become adjusted to that). With the attached garage and front door that opens into the outdoors and not a hallway, this place (minus the occasional neighbor issue) has felt more like home than any place we've lived in since Bedford (2007-2009).

And now, here we are again, in a place where a move is necessary for one main reason (school/baseball) confirmed by a secondary (high rent hike), but nonetheless important reason. God had already begun the process of untying our heartstrings to this place through conversations of "what ifs" surrounding baseball; then He untied some more when she made the decision to not hold onto that summer job as a "just in case" backup. Steps were being taken to loosen our grips on this place before the paperwork came that sealed the deal; information that would have been the initial deal breaker had the other situations not happened.

So, he we are again. No one really wants to leave here (this home) because, honestly, we like it here. It's the longest we've been at an address since Bedford and it's become home, not just in name but in our hearts. But God reminded me of truth he deposited years ago: home is anywhere your family is and it doesn't have to be owned in order to be home.

Well, the prospect of owning isn't even on our radar, but the thought of leaving where we've become comfortable is not really exciting ... yet. Probably because we just don't know where we're going to end up, and the one place we've looked (because it's necessary to consider) makes one half of this family unit unhappy, to say the least.

But this I know: God was already orchestrating a plan before we understood how the plan would unfold, so I am confident in my knowing that God will also provide a place that will become home ... again. I am not setting my heart for or against anything. I am simply choosing to leaving it open so that disappointment doesn't become my companion. I will still be praying for what my heart desires, but not locking in my expectations. I cannot see yet what home will look like come June 15, but I trust that God does, and whether it's familiar from before or new again, I will choose now to see it as a blessing and not dare curse what my soul could label 'not enough'. (Nod to Christine Caine's message from Pink Impact last week.)

"God, I know that you see what we cannot. And I know, because I know You, that your heart is for us and not against us. I also know that in times where many are struggling, my heart wants nothing more than to be grateful for a place to call home and for the blessings that come with that. But I know too, God, that you tell us You can do more than we can ask or imagine, so I'm daring to ask. Father, expand our tents and open a house for us. Expand our boxed imaginations and show us where to look, or who to ask or call. You've shown your goodness and faithfulness just days ago through a family who lost their home and were already provided another within days of their initial notice. You are good. You are faithful. And I know that wherever you lead us, I will still call you good and faithful. Help our hearts to be open and excited. To embrace the unknown and let go of what no longer is part of this next season. To store the treasured memories of what we've lived and tuck them away without regret of what's to come. God, may my only expectation be of your best for us and not a laundry list of what I think I can't live without. I look forward to you answering our prayers and to looking back on this blog and seeing your faithfulness played out. In Jesus' Mighty Name that's filled with power and grace and mercy and goodness. Amen!"

Home [Again]

It's been just over a week since life as we know it was packed into boxes, loaded into the back of an orange and white truck and transported from one city to another. Our family unit has known three moves in just as many years; and Teighlor, Alec and I have lived in ten different cities within two states over the past sixteen years. I'm beginning to believe that we may be drawing closer, mile by mile, to earning a "gypsy" notch on our life belts.

As a kid growing up, the majority of my years were spent in a two-story home on Olive Street in a county named for the brightly colored and most beloved breakfast juice fruit. I vaguely remember the sight and scent of orange groves before homes allowing for the influx of families were built on top of the dirt once formerly inhabited by trees.

Year after year, my birthday photos show me blowing out candles in front of the sliding glass door that led to the yard that was home to countless barbecues and endless games of tag, capture the flag and baseball played with wiffle balls and plastic bats.

Christmases were celebrated with a sentimentally decorated tree that moved from one corner to another, depending on the arrangement of furniture, but always filled the same living room lit by a log in the fireplace that was home to our stockings every December.

Meals were prepared in the kitchen that saw changing appliances, flooring and cabinet doors, but always held the familiar window next to the sink that framed the faces of friends and family as they showed up on the front doorstep.

Bedrooms held both children and parents; and even were home to almost every grandchild at one time or another.

Time passed. Days became weeks, became months, became years. Children became adults. And one by one we all stretched our wings and ventured out into the world. Each of us said "I Do" and God filled our arms with the next generation.

As life would have it, one by one we all were hit with situational curveballs and found a place of healing within the comfort of those same walls, made possible by the two home-filled-hearts we called Mom and Dad and the younger generation called "grand".

My grown-up dreams held visions of the same kinds of memories. Where wall colors changed but the walls themselves did not. Where old carpeting was replaced by new cherry laminate flooring covered by area rugs where feet made cold by winter months could find solace. Where hot pink or camouflage teenage comforters replaced Winnie-the-Pooh baby blankets once nuzzled by sleeping toddlers. Where nail polish and lip gloss replaced Barbie dream homes, and slumber parties of giggling girls replaced tea parties served at a small table surrounded by stuffed animals. Where a driveway once littered with hot wheels propelled by chubby, little boy fingers was now home to the clamoring feet of sweaty boys playing game after game of basketball on long, summer nights.

Home was defined by the square footage within the walls topped with the roof that never changed. And I was determined to provide my family with those same types of memories to tuck into their hearts and pass onto their children.

And then...

From one move to another, one year after another, God challenged my grown-up dream and taught me one of my most cherished and valuable life lessons:

Home is not about the walls that make up the rooms that hold up the roof that was supposed to never change. Home is about the love that fills the hearts that are held by the people that fill those rooms.

And memories? They may be birthed in a particular city but they are not held captive by a street address. They will always remain in the home of our hearts.

Closure on Moving

So, here we are, November 4th, and so much has happened since I last blogged about moving. I look back on my post from August 16th (Beggars-Choosers) and am amazed at what's transpired since then. Almost 2 months ago I was agonizing over the peace I didn't have about signing another 12-month lease to our Keller home. What's funny is that I look back now and think, "I was so unsettled when I wrote that. Why was I questioning whether or not another lease was a good idea? Clearly, agonizing is not peace."

Then the confirmation I was begging for came back in a loud and clear voice. Actually, it was more like a hot and sweaty one. When the AC blew the very next day, I took it as a my last sign that it was time to go. And I wrote about it the very next day. (Settled!)

By September 3rd, I made myself sit down and write what was on my heart about our move. I really believed that God was preparing us for a move to the very apartments we now live in, yet I hadn't approached Anthony with my idea. I needed that Journal Stone (Ready) to look back on ... just in case I was hearing God correctly. And the very next day we (Anthony and I) took our first trip to see these apartments and I, again, wrote out another Journal Stone (Shock and Awe) to remember our first reactions.

What I haven't included in this moving saga is the confirmation from God's Word that settled everything and was the catalyst to submitting an application for the apartment we now call home. On September 7th I awoke very early in the morning with a need to sit with God, determined that I was going get His confirmation for NRH, whether it was yes or no. Through prayer and reading, God lead me to a passage in 1 Kings that became confirmation.

1 Kings 17 documents the obedience of Elijah to do exactly as the Lord had commanded; where he went, where he stayed, how he was fed, it was all instructed by God and Elijah was taken care of by God. As I was reading, verses 3 & 4 just lit up; one of the moments when you know it's God's specific communication with you. Unfortunately, the verses didn't make immediate sense to me:

"Go from here and turn east and hide yourself by the brook Cherith, east of the Jordan. You shall drink of the brook, and I have commanded the ravens to feed you there."

Over the next hour I did extensive study on the brook Cherith and the surrounding text in 1 Kings 17, and the few points I'm documenting here both amazed me and brought great peace and confirmation.

• God instructed Elijah to leave "here" because the drought Elijah spoke of would have affected him greatly. God moved Elijah to protect him. God was moving us from Keller to protect us. From what, exactly, I may never know. But that's not the point. God's promise of protection is all that I needed to rest in.
• God asked Elijah to hide himself and be alone with Him. This spoke to me that God wanted a new season with us, personally, and moving our location was part of that plan.
• The word Cherith comes from the ancient Hebrew root meaning, to cut away, to cut up or off. This shows that God had some cutting to do in the life of Elijah during this period. When I read this, I immediately knew that I didn't need anything more in the way of confirmation than this. This season that God was moving us into was all about "Simplifying". This was God's very specific word to me when I initially began praying about moving. I knew that God wanted to teach us how to live differently; and that reducing our space and the volume of things that we had accumulated was part of that purpose. 
• It was in Cherith that God promised Elijah He would feed him there. It's not that God couldn't have had the ravens feed him anywhere else, but God wanted Elijah there, hiding by the brook Cherith. It was there that He would provide. Whatever the reasons, and for whatever purposes, God was calling us to "here" (NRH), which is our "there" (the brook Cherith). This is where He intended to provide for us. 
• Lastly, a simple confirmation that made me smile, the thought came to me to Google map the drive from our home in Keller to the apartments in NRH. Although some may say I stretched for this one, I say it's God showing His Word true. "Go from here and turn east..." are the first words of verse 3. The first words used in the directions from Keller to NRH were, "Head out and turn east". It was no coincidence to me why verse 3 was lit up when I read it and why the "random" thought to Google map the directions suddenly popped into my head. God uses both the deep and the simple to reveal His will for our lives. 

The overarching theme that stood out in this chapter is the step-by-step plan that God laid out for Elijah. He told him where to go with giving him the next step, and God also didn't tell Elijah why He was to "go here or there". He spoke and Elijah obeyed, regardless of the information or lack thereof that surrounded God's words. This was huge for me. I didn't need to know all the reasons behind the move or all the plans that laid ahead of us. I didn't need to be concerned with the details of why or what. God was confirming. He was speaking. My job, and that of my family, was simply to obey.

Shock and Awe ... I Mean, Anger

Ok. So I guess I wasn't really prepared for how an apartment floor plan would translate in real life. The floor plan made everything look spacious and easy for downsizing. Real life made me think, "Oh crap. This isn't gonna be as easy as I first thought." 1100 sq. ft. looks very different in person. My first reaction was Shock. Anthony's was Anger. Not the show it kind, but the "I could feel his physical presence change when we walked in the door" kind. I wanted to look at everything, open every drawer, mentally move my furniture into each room. He walked through the place in 3 seconds (ok, it felt like that) and was like, "Okay, Babe. Ready to go?"

So it didn't quite go as planned. Does anything?

There was no arguing afterward. No big fight to get over. I just knew that seeing the size of the apartment felt like a kick in the gut to Anthony, and I half-expected it anyway. He's been vocal about the fact that he doesn't want to go back to an apartment but will if that's what it comes down to. And I? Well, I'm still a little naive, I guess. I've never really lived the true apartment life, with neighbors all around. I've lived in a couple apartments, but I've always been blessed where I lived. No huge complexes. No people above me. And when I did live in apartments in the past, I had much smaller kids and a smaller family as a whole. Really, I'm quite apartment ignorant, you could say. Maybe that's why I'm having an easier time making the mental leap to "just do this", while Anthony is trailing behind because he swore a long time ago, after purchasing his first house, that he'd never go back to an apartment again.

So after the shock wore off and we were given ample time to process our own emotions, we have come back to the place where if this is where we are supposed to dwell for a while, then we will. We've just got to make sure that "this" is God and not just us making the most sense of our circumstances.

I'm still gonna be looking online. I'm still gonna keep my eyes and heart open. This could be home for the next year. Or not.

Ready for a Change

The past week has felt heavy for me. Have I taken the time to get lost in Jesus? No, and that probably matters more than I'm willing to admit right now. But I do know that the heaviness is also because I'm in limbo and just want a new sense of purpose and direction. I'm ready for change, and I'm ready to simplify.

Living in a house this big for the past year has given me perspective that I didn't have before. I've discovered that with a big house, the responsibilities get bigger; and the cost of upkeep and time required just aren't worth the space itself, even with the beauty of the neighborhood. The reality is that we are not in a place financially to be in a house this big, and it's time to downsize.

In recent days, I've been talking to Anthony about truly downsizing and simplifying our lives and heading to an apartment for (at least) a year-long commitment. Doing this would require sacrifice on our end as a family, but it just feels like the best thing for us. I'm ready to leave the "property management" to the property managers. For now, I'm done with cleaning pools; done with mowing lawns, trimming trees and raking leaves; done with cleaning a huge house when we really only live in half of it for the most part.

So, I've been checking out every apartment complex from north Keller (Ft. Worth, really) to Grapevine and over to NRH. With our move comes the reality of being back to one vehicle again, and that has put certain requirements on my checklist of must have's. With that in mind, I've repeatedly come across a place that has actually crossed my mind many times over this past year ... the Venue apartments by Roots Coffeehouse and the NRH Library.

I'm writing this down now because I want a journal stone to look back on should this all play out the way it is in my head (or at least similar to it); and I want a place to point to that shows that God was birthing this idea ... or not.

The Venue Apartments are not the least expensive on the market, but they're also not the most costly, either. What they have/offer feels right to my heart, I'm just waiting to see if my heart matches God's choice.

The benefits:

• With The Venue located in the same parking lot as Kroger, Roots Coffee, Starbucks and the NRH Library, we'd be within a few minutes walk of necessary locales (groceries and library for school) and those that would provide a breath of fresh air from our apartment space (Roots or Starbucks).
• The location wouldn't put us any further away from Gateway's NRH campus (a huge need), actually we'd be 2 miles closer than we are now. We'd be closer to the girls for pick up and drop off. And Anthony would simply shift his commute from the 114 to the 121 freeway.
• With Starbucks a short walk away, I could look into applying for a part time job at that location and not be concerned about having a second car or not. And when Teighlor turns 16, she may have opportunities for part time work at the library or even Starbucks or Yogurt Land?!? And she wouldn't even need a car.
• And we'd be only a mile away from Taco Cabana! This probably isn't a benefit, though ... for our waistlines or for our wallets. :) But it was the yummiest thought yet!

And, being as real and transparent as I am, the thought of living in a place that's nicely decorated, with walls that match the floors and fixtures that work ... that part of apartment living really speaks to my womanly soul. No weird wall paper, no rocking toilets, no missing curtains/blinds, and windows with screens so they can actually be opened for fresh air. We could heat our home in the winter and cool it in the summer. Yes, this is all the fleshly part of me that just wants some normal expectations satisfied. There, I've said it.

So, we'll see what happens. We could be turned down for credit purposes. We could get there and not like them at all. We could have that "unsettled feeling" and choose to walk away because God's peace is not in it. Either way, like I said, I just wanted a journal stone to refer too when all is said and done. This thought process is either Godly direction or it's not. Plain and simple.

Settled!

I am so glad that I took the time (listened to the internal motivation) and wrote down all my thoughts and struggles yesterday, because today all those struggles and questions were answered in the most clear way possible. Holy Spirit pushed me [yesterday] to blog so that I could have a black and white testimony to an honest struggle on one day ... and a clear answer the next. Had I not blogged when I felt that prompting (big lesson for me), I would have been documenting both the questions from yesterday and the answer from today and it would have been a little less powerful ... in my mind, anyway.

After blogging my guts out yesterday, an AC repairman came to the house and delivered the worst  - yet best for us - news that we could get. One system completely blown and the 2nd system just about there, but still has a few running parts that could be salvaged. Truly, with out $1000 minimum to put into trying to repair the 2nd system, we won't have AC anyway, so it equates to both systems being down and out for the count.

Anyway, God settled my heart that it really doesn't matter what's happened or why. The answer is:

• HE alone provided a place for us for this past year, regardless of the integrity or intent of the owners. 
• HE alone answered my plea from yesterday and clearly showed us that this is where we are not going to be living in the next season of our lives.
• HE alone made a way - blown AC - to provide that answer before it was too late and we signed on for another year without heating or AC available ... and with a cost that would have partially been coming out of our pocket because of how the owners wrote our last lease.

He provided a home when one was needed last August. And He will provide again because He saw this coming long before we did.

I can now rest in total PEACE that my God has answered my plea. I am more settled now than I have been in the past six months, and that feels awesome! I don't care that we're moving. I don't care about the amount of work I'm going to have to put in over these next three (or so) weeks. I don't care that I don't know where we'll be living next month or that we'll now - for sure - be down to one car, again. I don't care that I don't have all the answers right now.

All I care about is that I have the answer that I NEED today. The rest will come as they need to...

Do Beggars Have The Right To Be Choosers?

It's been almost a year since we moved into our home in Keller; and in this year, I have discovered all of the things that I wish I could change about it.

I have struggled with maintaining a consistent, thankful heart for simply having a home to live in.

I have struggled with justifying space for space's sake. Is space really worthy if the space itself doesn't really work for you?

I have struggled with a constant voice that reminds me of all the things that could potentially go wrong in this house ... that we'd have to fix out of our pocket because we were given such a low monthly rent comparable to the real cost of the owner's mortgage.

I have muddled through a winter where our fireplace was our only source of heat during the freezing, winter days because the cost to heat a house this size is beyond our budget, and beyond the capacity of our heating system to keep up with.

I have sweated through a long, hot summer because a house this size is beyond our budget to cool during the day, and it's also beyond the capacity of the AC system to keep up with during the intensity of our summer days (even if we could afford to run it 24/7).

I have really struggled not having a single place I can retreat to in my house to have a private conversation because noise travels like crazy when there's no carpeting to buffer sound, doors that don't actually reach the floor because all the carpeting was removed or rooms/places where there just isn't a door at all.

I have struggled having property that is not useful for kids to play on yet we have to take care of simply because it's there; and lawn equipment that doesn't work and we have to pay for it to be fixed because we have such a low, monthly rent.

I have struggled with the cost of maintaining a pool that is really only enjoyed by me; even though I thought it would be the saving grace for my kids during the summer. The problem is, they don't enjoy it like I thought they would, so it's not a saving grace after all.

All in all, at the end of this year, I have come to the conclusion that while this house has provided a roof over our heads, space to move around, and beautiful scenery ... it's not working for us.

But here's where I also struggle: just because this house doesn't work in so many areas that are important to me, does that mean that this beggar has the right to be a chooser?

Is it okay for me to not be content with where I live on so many levels and just be satisfied that I have house at all? Or is it a red flag, a Godly-warning, that it's time to start looking for something else; that signing another 12-month lease is not the wise thing to do?

Every time I've questioned things something has happened to bring peace on the other side. But is peace an answer in and of itself?

I started questioning whether or not our landlords would renew our lease (at our current rent) back in April. It was but three days later, after first voicing my concerns, that our landlords called and asked us if we'd be staying (without an increase in rent). PEACE!

I questioned my family to see if this is where they want to be regardless of the lack of doors, privacy, heating, cooling, workable yard, etc? Minus Alec who would live in a box because he's not a fan of space for space's sake, both Anthony and Teighlor love our space and love where we live (the area). PEACE!

I love the area, too. And that's another nagging question for me. Alec's made friends here for the first time since being home schooled. Teighlor's best friend is just 5 miles from where we live and this affords us the opportunity to have her over more frequently. We are close to baseball, church, and our neighborhood is truly a place of peace for me because it's a bit of country right off a city street. We have a second car at our disposal, and while it's not the safest piece of machinery on the road, it's definitely made our lives easier. PEACE!

Weeks ago I was settled on the fact that come September we'd be moving ... some how, some way. The space for space's sake was just the final straw of thinking for me, and then ... all of our space was shifted around due to Teighlor's idea to share her room with Marian. From that idea came all of the ideas that moved our furniture around and actually made more sense of the rooms and how they looked and lived in then they had since we originally moved in. It felt good and it felt right again. PEACE!

And then last night the 2nd of our AC systems went out. We were able to live on one system semi-comfortably. Well, not really comfortably, but we've come to realize that we can adapt to hotter-than-we-would-care-to-live-if-we-could-fix-it-or-afford-it. Beggars can't be choosers, right? We have a house to live in. Just because we can't afford to heat or cool it in the extreme months doesn't mean we should complain... ???

So, once again, I am unsettled about being here and staying here and signing another 12-month lease. I struggle with knowing whether or not that PEACE that follows my questioning is really God's answer to my always unsettled heart and that maybe I should just finally settle the score in my heart and choose to be content with what really doesn't bring me contentedness.

OR ...

Are all of these little things red-flags that I should be paying attention to because our season in this house is over and God's trying to tell us that, and the peace itself is just manufactured out of normal circumstances?

I've been through life situations where red flags were waving and I found a way around each and every one - a way that made sense for a moment and brought a sense of peace - only to discover that I manufactured the peace and the red flags were there because God was trying to move me away from where I was or out of what I was getting into.

Is the fact that I constantly question where I live a red flag to begin with or is it just a selfish desire to have something better, something that I feel would work better for us? Or is God so faithful that every time I question He's right there to bring a peace?

I know He provided this place for us last year. I truly settled on that before moving in. It has worked well in some areas and there are some pretty special memories wrapped up here that I'll never forget.

BUT ... does He require us to stay in a place He provided for more than one year's worth of seasons simply because it was the answer to our questions/prayers a year ago? Isn't He just as capable of providing a new place that would work and provide and satisfy and bring excitement if we just had the guts and courage to step out?

I don't want to move out of where we are simply because I have selfish desires that I want met ... at least that's what I'm labeling them for right now because I know people who would give their right hand just to have a place to call their own, regardless of whether or not the AC worked or the toilet wasn't bolted to the floor.

This is my mental struggle and has been for months now. I'm at that place where I just want God to audibly say to me, "Stay" or "Go". I want a true sign, not just a peace. I want to know that if we stay because the house works for us in some areas but not in others, that He'll provide for the ways to fix this house should something go wrong. Is that going beyond faith to ask for all of this? Is it requiring my God to settle too much in my heart so that I don't have to wonder if He'll work it out or if we'll struggle?

I know that God's economy is not struggling and that fixing an AC is so not beyond His capacity, even though I can't see where the money would come from to fix it. I know tomorrow morning we could have someone show up and tell us it's something super easy and super inexpensive and Voila ... my heart is settled in PEACE again because God took care of that which we could not.

And so I come to the end of my blog without really coming to any sort of answer. I have rambled more so for the therapy of getting it all out than to expect I would have heard from God in the midst of writing. Not saying that hasn't happened before, but I don't know that I was even considering that as an option when I sat down to write.

So here's my plea:

God, I need true Holy Spirit wisdom to know the difference between being content and seeing the flags for what they are. I need to hear Your voice in what's the best move for us ... Should we stay or should be go now? (Homage to a song from my 8th grade year). I need to be settled on the fact that either You are bringing PEACE to each of my concerns, or I am manufacturing the evidence so that I can sleep at night. I need for my husband and I to be unified on this. Our budget doesn't show that this house, in the end, is really affordable even given the monthly rent because we can't afford to cool it or heat it during the months we most need to. But budgets don't matter to you unless they need to matter, so it's another area that needs to be settled in my heart. I know that You have us on a learning journey right now, especially regarding finances. I don't want to be careless or unwise as we move into another season in this house. I want to do the right thing, make the wise choice, but I feel as if I couldn't make the right choice today if my life depended on it. I feel stuck. But I also know that that "stuckness" is right where I need to be to hear from You. So, I'm asking for You to be clear; to speak into my questioning heart and settle me. I declare that I will not move without Your asking me too. This time, last year, we had no idea where we were going to live. We would soon be required to move from Bedford but where we would go was still completely unknown to us. You settled that for us. You opened a door. I'm asking to be settled once again. In Jesus' Name.