Friday, July 16, 2010

Just Let Me Love You

Todd grinned. “I like you a lot.”

“I like you a lot, too.” [Christy]

“I like you more,” Todd said.

“No, I like you more.” [Christy]

Todd leaned forward and with the warmest glow ever in his clear blue eyes, said, “I love you, Kilikina.” Christy froze. She shouldn’t make her lips part. She couldn’t push out the words. A single tear was all that escaped her and raced down her cheek. Todd moved his chair over so that he was right next to Christy. He kept his hand in hers. With patient, gentle words he said, “You don’t have to respond, Christy. I don’t want you to feel pressured. Ever. In any way. Just let me love you, okay?” He leaned over and kissed the tear where it clung to the edge of her jaw. “Just let me love you.”

- Excerpt from Robin Jones Gunn’s “As You Wish

Lying in the hammock on a steep mountainside, cool breeze whistling all around me, I read this. When I finished this section I just began to cry. Just an unexplained outburst of tears ran down my face. Being self conscious I wiped my eyes and looked around, only to be reminded that I was surrounded by the sun, trees, and clouds. I laughed at myself and thought ‘what the heck?’ and just let the tears fall. I closed my eyes and began to hear the Father speak. Just let Me love you. As He spoke, the cool, mountain breeze warmed gently and I felt as if two huge arms just embraced me. I just layed in the arms of my Daddy and wept.

Isaiah 40:11 “He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart…”

As I’m processing His words in my head, I’m trying to figure out when I STOPPED letting Him love me. Or even when I LIMITED letting him love me. The truth is that I can’t stop him. I had a conversation with a friend of mine. She said, “I love youuuuuuuu”, and I said back sarcastically, “Just because you love me doesn’t mean I have to accept it.” How true is that? How often do we reject the love of our Lord? We assume because things are not going our way that He doesn’t love us, or He doesn’t care for us. In our hearts we know that is utterly false, but when we let our brains go for a ride, we lose sight of the truth. All He wants is to love us and for us to love Him in return. Even the times we don’t want to love Him, or we are mad at Him, He STILL LOVES US. And there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it, but when we “Just let [Him] love [us]” how much better is our life? How much more abundant and obvious are His plans for us? He carries us close to His heart where we can lay and breathe in the things He has for us.

With All My Heart, [Jillian Yvonne]

Jeremiah 29:11-14 11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD.

Jillian, I had to leave a comment because it's just ironic that I happened to read this entry this morning. Your blog was pulled up on my laptop when I opened it this morning; not sure by who, but since I was surprised to see it, I read.

Yours are the first words I am reading this morning, but I have to tell you that I think Jesus purposed it that way. What you wrote to accompany the excerpt from the book is so sweet, so tender, so reflecting of Jesus' love for us, that I soon had tears falling down my cheeks. It was as if Jesus was whispering your words to me; sweetly washing me with gentleness and possessing an unabashed desire to get me to see that He "just wants me to let Him love me." What an engaging and treasured way to begin my day!

Also, I was shocked at how your sarcastic remark to your friend resonated with me. I didn't shake my head at you, I reacted with the thought, "That sounds like something I would think, even if only subconsciously." The fact that it shook me to my core means that this is something Jesus wants to deal with. Without knowing it Jillian, Jesus has used your words to continue peeling my onion.

Again, I'm not sure how I ended up on your blog - I'll call it a sweet Jesus miracle - but I'm so glad I did.

Much Love,

[ME]: I am constantly surprised by the lengths to which Jesus will go to continue to remind me of His LOVE for me. "Just let me love you." Those words hit me lick a brick upside my heart.

For a long time I've been bothered by the fact that I just don't seem to know how to inherently love someone that I choose to love. I use the word 'choose' because I truly get the depth of love of being a mother. That love is such a part of me that it could just as easily be labeled as another part of my body, like an arm or leg.

I have struggled to not only understand, but also give back, love that is in my life by choice. It's not that I don't love; it's that I feel that I don't love deeply enough. I don't know how love is measure or quantified, I just feel like there's a sieve of some kind that filters love into and out of my heart; making sure it isn't allowed in too quickly - or in too large of a dose - and that that sieve also controls how much is let out.

Ever since I attended a Kairos in April of last year, Jesus has beckoned me to go on a Love Journey with Him. He told me [as my face was on the floor of the NRH campus], "I'm going to wreck you with My Love." I've never recorded my thoughts about this day. More substantial is the fact that I've also not chosen to take this Love Journey ... yet.

I think part of me has been too afraid to move forward because of the unknown that will have to be uncovered in me. Jesus didn't say to me, "Come with me, and let me show you what my love looks like." Nope. He said he was going to [wreck] me with His love. That's a bit intimidating, even if it stirs up all kinds of anticipation within me.

But something bigger is stirring in me recently: a passion to dream, a desire to believe for bigger things, a longing in my spirit for adventure that is yet untapped. The puzzle pieces are coming together. My journey to just get to the point of being daring enough to accept Jesus' invitation is almost complete. I believe there's only one piece left to finish this particular puzzle ... Wild Goose Chase. It's in my possession. The first chapter is read. Now, I just need to get to the finish line.

1 comment:

  1. First, what a beautiful heart Jillian has for her God!! :)

    Last night I read your twitter and was wondering what special way God connected with you. So glad to read about it this afternoon! I still get crazy excited for you when I am reminded about the love journey He told you He was going to take you on. And how tender for Him to send the message that all you have to do is "let" Him do it. There is no other condition. You don't have to do a thing except let Him do His thing. The very thought is really moving me right now.

    Please share more about your love journey. Reading your last lines reminded me I need to share about my Wild Goose Chase. ;)