HOW bad do you want it?

That's a question that looms in front of anything and everything that doesn't come easily. It's a question I am [seriously] considering as I choose to post this blog.

HOW bad do i want it?
a little bad?
a lot bad?
i'm willing to sacrifice whatever-it-takes bad?

Today is Monday. Although technicalists (my word) will tell you the new week begins on Sunday, Monday is my mindset ... and I'm sticking to it. Lying ahead of me is a new week. A new beginning. A new opportunity for choice.

God has this unique way of showing me things through a perspective that makes sense to me (as he does with all of us, but I'm only writing about me here). He finds out-of-the-box ways to push motivation towards me. It's my choice whether or not I grab hold.

I was in my closet and this idea hit me upside the head. Randomly. Well, a God-sort-of-randomosity, anyway.

I've been looking for a way to show myself how my body has changed in just four--yep, JUST 4--short years of marriage. Older photos show me [how] I looked in 2007, but they didn't give me perspective ... a then and now sort of glimpse. Well, this morning, God changed that through a photo idea. Here it is:

Jeans: Then and Now! 

The pair of jeans on top are the ones I wore during my first year of marriage. The jeans below them are the ones I wear now ... four years later and 25lbs heavier. Talk about not being able to avoid perspective. This photo leaves zero room for me being able to tell myself, "You haven't changed [that] much". Bull-pucky!

And this is how I looked in my "skinny" jeans:

Although I'm no size 4 and NEVER will be (and I'll never fight to be cuz that's not me), this me is not out of reach and is way more healthy than the current me. I tried the skinny jeans on and could just barely squeeze them over my hips. Don't even ask me about the button and zipper.

This is me now. Obese? No. Overweight? Definitely. Unhealthy? Most importantly!

  

No glitz. No glamour. Just real life.

 

Done up and still can't hide it.

So, to keep those pairs of jeans from hanging in my kitchen as a morbid reminder of where I am and an extreme motivation of what I need to get back to--cuz it's not really practical hanging jeans on your kitchen wall--I'm gonna get that sucker printed and put 1 copy on my fridge door, 1 in my closet, 1 in the pantry, 1 in my bedroom (by the workout DVD's) and 1 in my wallet ... for all those times when I want to indulge myself when away from mi casa.

Yesterday I jotted down a note from this weekend's message: "Truth REQUIRES Responsibility". Once you have the truth it's your choice what you do with it, but God [never] reveals truth for us to turn a blind eye and a deaf ear ... or relax on our couch and feed our faces when our bathroom scale continues to climb.

This truth? I've been lazy and indulgent. [Age has played its part, there's no doubt about that, but many have come up against age and won the war. My battle is no different.] Neither of these attributes are found listed in the fruits of the Spirit or spoken when referencing Jesus, which means (to me) that I've disrespected my God by disrespecting the body He gave me. No condemnation. Just conviction. It's my responsibility to take care of what He gave me.

If I was [this] lazy with my marriage, I'd be divorced. If I was [this] lazy as a parent, I'd have rebellious, out of control kids. Both are given to me by God to take care of. What gave me the right to remove [my body] from that list?

LAZINESS & INDULGENCE ... that's what!

God gave me an idea to take a photo that would (finally) reveal the unavoidable truth. I'm not whining about it. I'm happy He did it. Cuz He knows how to motivate me.

The PROMISEd Land

I have so much I want to write about. So much I would I could shout from the rooftops. But I can't. I will just blog today that God is moving. He's been unveiling His plans "to prosper us; plans to give us a hope and a future" and changes are on the horizon.

God gave us a promise for this year [Isaiah 43:16-21] and with each passing month He's been faithful to that promise in various ways. Read my recent blog about that here.

And now, God is revealing HIS PROMISEd land. The promised land is different for everyone, depending on His plan and purpose for the lives of His children.

He told us to "Be alert! Be present! For I am about to do something brand-new. Don't you see it bursting out?"

All things in God's time.

Looking Backwards and Forwards on 2011

It's July 1st. That means that one-half of this year, 2011, is already over. That's crazy to me. To be completely cliche' ... where did the time go?

I love time markers, although I haven't always been this way. The usual suspects never passed me by--birthdays and anniversaries--but I find myself now being much more aware of time than I ever was. A sign of getting older? Maybe. Possibly. [probably]. Whatever the reason, my life is now marked by many more things like seasons, holidays, and even this ... one-half of a year gone (to the day).

Maybe the fact that half of my life is behind me (give or take a few years?) propels me towards taking inventory of the events that are in my rear-view mirror and those that sit out in front of me. Whatever the reason, today is July 1st. You know what that means?  One-half of this year is already over. ;)

Back in December God gave me a promise for Anthony and I (and our family) for 2011:

This is what God says, the God who builds a road right through the ocean, who carves a path through pounding waves.

The God who summons horses and chariots and armies—they lie down and then can't get up; they're snuffed out like so many candles:
"Forget about what's happened; don't keep going over old history. Be alert, be present. I'm about to do something brand-new. It's bursting out! Don't you see it? There it is! I'm making a road through the desert and rivers in the badlands."
~ Isaiah 43:16-21 [The Message]

Back then I vowed to memorize it and speak it over every situation, over every obstacle, over every fulfillment. Needless to say that hasn't quite happened, and it's unfortunate that I can state that there are times when I down right forgot about this promise in the midst of turmoil or selfish moments. But I'm so thankful, even as I write this, that the God I love and serve is much more giving than my selfish moments and more faithful than my faithless moments.

"Forget about what's happened; don't keep going over old history", He says to me.

Hmmm, I think back to Pink Impact and realize that He paved the way for this in my marriage. He made a way for me to humble myself before my husband, ask forgiveness for all I had held onto, and then vow to move forward with the past behind us. Craftily, the enemy of my soul constantly tries to remind me of what I chose to leave behind, and I haven't always been successful at not taking the past back and throwing it at my husband. BUT, my moments in the past are far outweighed by my choices to live in the present. All Glory to my God for this success because it only comes from His power working in me.

"Be alert. Be present.", He implores me.

This is my choice, and He didn't just speak it over my marriage but over all of my life ... parenting, finances, relationships, etc. Going back to this passage throughout the past six months has kept me believing in and hoping for God's best for me and my family. Every day is a choice to walk in His promise or wallow in my homemade pool of what if's and but why's.

"I'm about to do something brand-new!", He exclaims with great fervor.

He so meant this that on {1.1.11}, the very first day of the new year, He provided FREE smart phones for the kids and I, after years of me sometimes waiting patiently and sometimes whining like a 5-year-old kid.

With a payroll change that I thought was going to devastate us financially, I'm convinced He treated our income like the five loaves of fish. Even though I was diligent about most every $, Anthony's paychecks seemed to go further than they did when each check was larger than it is now. We haven't struggled and we've never gotten to the end of a pay period to find an empty bank account.

Teighlor auditioned for her very first theater play and got a part! He opened up a brand-new door for her and lit a new fire in her belly. I am excited to see what the remainder of this year holds for her. Another play? I hope so for her.

In February I revealed my true heart for the first time in two years. That confession sent me on a two month journey that had me questioning everything I knew or believed about love and ended in April with a SUPERnatural outpouring of heavenly love straight to my [new] little, pink heart. It was my Ezekiel 36:26 moment and it changed everything about me. *I would link to a blog post about this but I realized that I neglected writing about it because it came at the same time that Heather's battle with cancer came to an end. I still have all my notes, so I am going to make time to get it all down. I promise myself!

Speaking of Heather, although I am hesitant to write when hearts are still on the uphill of healing, He did make her brand new; though not through an earthly healing as we had all prayed for, but by giving her a new body altogether. This falls in line with what newness He revealed to me at Pink Impact: we don't view {life} the way He does. We're so earthly bound, but {life} to Him is not just about the time He gives us in our human bodies but, more importantly, the {LIFE} He has waiting for us in His presence. One day we will truly understand this, but for now we war with our hearts and minds through the process of grief and loss.

Alec and Baseball. They are two words that are linked together like best friends. And in the first half of this year, God provided Alec with two opportunities to play ball like he never has before. First, Alec made the Birdville High School summer team, beating out 25 other players even though he'd missed the first tryout, never played select ball like most of the other players and the coaches only saw him for a total of 3 hours. Second, he was asked to fill in for vacationing players on a select team that was made up of mostly All Stars he had played with previously. Those were two exhausting and baseball filled weekends, but they brought out a level of skill in Alec's play that we didn't even know existed. He had played "down" for many years because of having to play rec level ball, but God gave us a glimpse at the talent Alec has and it was some pretty ball to watch. God gave Alec baseball for a reason; shoot, probably more reasons than we even understand. He has always given Alec incredible favor with coaches and this year God continues to shower Alec with baseball favor!

Speaking of favor, I can't overlook the financial favor He poured out by providing airline tickets (through Marg's best friend, Kelli) for two trips to California--once to say good-bye to Heather and then to come back to be with family for her service. I still shake my head at the generosity of a family who knew of us (Coli and I) but had never met us. And I will be FOREVER thankful and grateful for the memories and moments that were allowed to become part of my heart due to God speaking and one of His children listening and obeying. I pray this lesson into my heart every time I think of it.

Pink Impact. There were so many moments of newness there. To start with, it was my first-ever Gateway women's conference and God showed up like crazy. As in my earlier promise to myself, I will get these moments out of my notebook and into my blog ... sometime in the very near future.

I will mention just one more "new" (in code, for now). A few weeks ago God showed us that He is the King of Opportunity and can change the course of a future with one phone call or over a cup of coffee at Starbucks. I can't say more right now except that as time has progressed the opportunity is looking brighter, bigger and more possible with each cup of coffee.

I know there are many other [smaller] moments, not less significant moments, that I just don't have time to mention, but these are the highlights I need to have here.

INSPIRATION

It is a verb with these definitions (when used with an object in grammar):
*to fill with an animating, quickening or exalting influence.
*to produce or arouse a thought, feeling, etc.
*to fill or affect with a specified thought or feeling.

When used without an object it means to inhale.

It's origin is Latin combining (in), which means in (duh), and (spirare), which means to breathe. Spirare is where our English word Spirit originates. The suffix tion simply means the condition or state of being. Therefore, it is no wonder that inspiration is an inside-out experience ... HolySpirit filling, producing or affecting our spirits; inhaling into us.

The arts have always inspired me, whether it's in the form of music, dance, theater, writing or a vision captured on canvas. I've come to realize that art, in all its forms, so inspires me for the very reasons that creation, in all its forms, does too. Everything about them--art and creation--started with a breath of life. God spoke and HolySpirit breathed life in the form of earth and man.

And art is just an extension of that original creation process: HolySpirit breaths inspiration into a human heart and the heart expresses that very breath in an outward manifestation, giving us life in the form of art.

From the time I was very young, the love of dance captured a piece of my heart and has stayed there, firmly rooted. My parents helped shaped that love through dance lessons when I was a young girl. I took tap, ballet and even Polynesian lessons, progressing to a year on pointe, until it became obvious that my build was never going to be lithe and fragile--a few qualities required off those on pointe. To this day, I still have the one pair of toe shoes I danced in for that year. A momento of my love of ballet, even though my future as a Principle Dancer in the American Ballet Theater was not in God's plan for me. ;)

So in the 7th grade I left the dance studio behind and ventured into sports, where I excelled quite naturally at volleyball, softball and soccer. But my love of dance never wained, it just nestled more comfortably into my heart; and ever since 7th grade, I've lived vicariously through every show, every recital, every performance I've laid my eyes on.

My greatest moment yet as a spectator? Getting to see the New York City Ballet perform at the Lincoln Center with my Bestie ... a memory seared into that corner of my heart that dance holds. <3

And now, as song and dance have become appreciated again, our TV's are being brought back to life through art in human form. My favorite? So You Think You Can Dance!!! Every week I am moved to tears through, at least, one performance; and over the past couple years, one dancer seems to captivate me from the get-go. So in this season of SYTYCD, I decided to capture "those moments that needed no words to speak to my spirit" and leave them here on my blog, so I could revisit them any time I wanted to.

In this 8th season of SYTYCD, Melanie Moore is [the] dancer that reached right out of the television within 3 seconds of her audition and made me begin cheering for her dances-to-come before she was even chosen for the Top 20.

The minute this short preview of her enormous talent ended, I was grabbing my phone and rewinding the DVR in order to record her audition to video. Here is her original audition: (the quality isn't the best since I was recording from the television to my phone camera, but it's the only way I could get a copy)

I have watched this clip so many times. Inspiration exhaled through movement. Watching her destiny unfold is breathtaking. And watching the joy in her mom's expression is priceless. Can you just imagine a look similar to that on our Father God's [face] as He watched her, too? She is living out loud the life breathed into her.

I determined, after watching this, that I was going to find a way to keep what inspires and moves me here. In the same way that I cherish the memories and lessons taught that I get to look to back on, I want to remember the moments where HolySpirit breathed life into my spirit.

More to come as inspiration becomes a permanent fixture on my blog.

"what a difference" follow-up

I can't believe it's been over a month since I last blogged! It really bothers me when I let so much time pass without writing, whether out of laziness or busy-ness ... the reason is insignificant once the time has passed.

Seeing that my last post was centered around a weekend that changed the current course of lives in our home, my first priority is to jot down a few thoughts as I look at it a month removed from the emotion of the circumstances.

High School Baseball has been a subject that's loomed over our house for the past year. To public school or not ... all for the sake of baseball. Honestly, the decision for Alec to attend Birdville seems like it's already been made, but I've learned my lesson not to get ahead of God, even when plans look like they have been laid. I know a door was definitely opened with Alec making the high school summer ball team, but I told God--as if that really counts, right?--that the team was a stepping stone only; the decision still sits before Him through July. August is the month that counts, and it's still a month away. So, for now, we enjoy the coaching he's had, the growth he's made, and the introduction to high school ball; and we enjoy the rest of our summer. August is, after all, still a month away.

It's also been a month since the dynamic of our family changed--for the summer, anyway--the rest is yet to be determined. God has been consistently speaking one story to my heart every time I get together with Him on this subject. He reminds me of the Prodigal Son; not for the purpose of praying a heart back to God, but for showing me that even He--the God who created [us] in HIS image--understands the truth of love and hearts:

Love cannot be forced, it must be chosen;
And a heart is not yours simply because it lives with you or shares your name or even has history attached to you ... [or, as GOD knows, is created in HIS image]; a heart is won through pursuit and wooing.

God is the greatest example of pursuit and wooing, yet I believe we tend to live our lives as if they are somehow separated from the way God operates. He is [the] pursuer, [the] wooer. Why then should we think that the love and hearts that are entrusted to us should be treated any differently than the way God examples to us?

Sometimes space is the only thing that brings perspective when a heart believes it's being caged against its will; and sometimes breathing room is needed when a heart feels like it's being suffocated; and sometimes we just need to understand that "nothing ever really stays the same". Life is not stagnant, it is forever moving and changing; and when years pass and hearts grow up, keeping that heart sometimes means loosening up the physical hold in order to keep the heart beating for and with you.

This is not a story of giving in to demands or allowing manipulation to reign, instead it's a realization that choices made then can--and often do--change what we envisioned for our now. Our 'hoped-for-nows' are never guaranteed to us; in fact, they rarely turn out as we envisioned them in the first place. Even if our now is close to how we imagined it, it's always tweaked a bit by God--sometimes less than, sometimes more than--we expected or hoped for.

So, for now, we take our steps not in fear or trepidation, but with confidence knowing that God really does desire {HIS} best for us, but that "best" is not always what we think it should be nor does it play out how we think it should. After all, it's {HIS} best, not [our] best.

In both situations, I'm not looking at the end of summer right now. I'm looking at today only and praying for tomorrow. I've learned that when an unexpected weekend can change so much, anchoring my thoughts even 30 days away is my definition of worry, and worry is not a spirit I'm even remotely interested in allowing to reign in my life. When God's mercies are new every morning, I've learned so can His plans be, too.