"Grace" Challenged

"Grace is what I crave most when my guilt is exposed. The very thing I am hesitant to extend when confronted with the guilt of others - especially when their guilt has robbed me of something I consider valuable. When we are on the receiving end, grace is refreshing. When it is required of us, it is often disturbing. But when correctly applied, it seems to solve just about everything." 
-Andy Stanley [The Grace of God]

When confronted with unexpected moments that seem to seize my emotions without warning, I become fully aware - after the moment has waned - of my inability to dispense grace with the same intensity which I cry out for.

Just the other night I inadvertently followed some links and threads to a twitter account that I haven't read in many months. A recent tweet on this page brought my emotions speeding back to a time when I was so burdened over an offer and all that it meant. Anger over what had changed because of a decision that was out my hands boiled over in me. I realized - in that moment - that more had been lost than I had realized or imagined. Maybe lost isn't the right word. Seized without forethought may actually describe it more accurately. I was angry over 'territory' that no longer belonged to us, and I allowed that emotion to spill out to my husband. (not AT my husband, but TO my husband)

Now, two days after the initial assault on my emotions, I am pleading with God to help me see through grace-filled eyes what I cannot come close to surrendering to in my humanity. This was our piece of provision and it still hurts to know that because of circumstances that - again - were out my control, I am placed in a position of choosing. And I'm stomping my feet like a two-year old as I state, "But, that isn't fair!"

And then I read on the (invisible) sign posted on the (invisible) wall in front me, "Does the person you choose not to forgive walk around with the burden of you not forgiving them? Or do you? Just the same ... does the person you choose not to extend grace to walk around with the burden of you being placed in a situation where grace will need to be extended? Or do you?"

I can read it intellectually with understanding, and yet I still say, "But, that isn't fair!"

This is one of those blogs where the end is obviously not the end. It's just a story in progress...

"But He gives us more and more grace (power of the Holy spirit, to meet this evil tendency and all others fully). That is why He says, God sets Himself against the proud and haughty, but gives grace [continually] to the lowly (those who are humble enough to receive it)." James 4:6

Conquering Joy (November's DIB Article)

For the past few years when Christmas ends and the new year is just around the corner, I have made it a point to sit down with God and ask Him to reveal His focus for me for the coming year. This January, instead of filling my heart with a list of things to accomplish, which speaks directly into my passion for To-Do’s, He changed things up and gave me just four words and a scripture:

JOY.PEACE.HOPE.GLORY.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. ~ Romans 15:13

As the year has unfolded, God has been faithful to reveal to me the reasons for each chosen word; and I have been careful to record these bits of revelation so that when 2010 comes to an end, I will be able to look back and see God’s fingerprints all over this year.

Near the end of June, as I was consolidating various online blogs into one, clean, organized blog, a random title popped into my head. Mind you, I wasn’t looking to change the name of my blog, but apparently God had a different plan. “Conquering Joy” are the two words that took hold of my heart and wouldn’t let go. So as soon as my new blog was all put together, I sat down and wrote about it:

“At first I thought Conquering Joy was kind of an oxy-moronic title. Did the words really go together? But then I looked up the word conquer and this is what I found:

Conquer: to take possession of by force or authority; to overcome by conquest.

I liked the whole thought of taking possession of joy by authority. JOY is a fruit of the Spirit, but it is also a feeling. I have to choose to live in it, just as I would choose to be content...or not. Yes, the Holy Spirit deposits joy in my life, but He'll never force-feed it to me.

And then I had this thought: God knows that taking possession of joy in every situation in my life has the potential to bring about unspeakable change. Conquering JOY is necessary in moving forward to PEACE. HOPE. & GLORY!”

One morning a couple weeks ago, after a “discussion” with my husband the prior evening, I woke up feeling discouraged, angry and discontent. I was not in a good place and the day ahead of me looked bleak (because of my emotional state). A couple hours into my morning Holy Spirit stopped me in my tracks. Instead of having this hearing experience, I had a thought download. I was to retreat to my closet and not come out until my soul had surrendered. What did that even mean?

Psalm 62 was also a part of this thought download; so I looked it up and verse 5 jumped off the page:

“My soul, wait only upon God and silently submit to Him;

for my hope and expectation are from Him.”

Grabbing my iPod and Bible, I retreated to my closet. Once inside, I just knew that I was supposed to play this new worship song I had found and put it on repeat. The chorus of the song has this line in it:

“I will sing from the overflow of love in my heart.”

During the first run-through I remember thinking, “How am I supposed to sing from the overflow of love in my heart when I’m bitter about last night? Clearly my heart’s not even half-full today. And on my best day, God, I still don’t know that there’s any overflow. I mean, you know the things I struggle with. How can a heart overflow with love when sin still resides?” I heard no response.

After five times through the song I asked, “What exactly is supposed to be happening, God?” No answer. The sixth and seventh time around? Still nothing. Then it happened. The reason for my retreat began to unravel.

In the midst of singing the chorus – for the 8^th time – the presence of God consumed the oxygen to the point where I felt like I was breathing in the Holy Spirit instead of air. It was that thick; like the heaviness of humidity before a storm rolls in. In an instant, the song I had simply been singing became worship; the lyrics transformed from words into praise. And more knowing was poured out.

“The overflow you question comes from Jesus alone. That capacity for love that you don’t possess on your best day in the flesh is waiting to be poured into you in His presence.”

I was overwhelmed. Tears ran down my face. And the knowing continued.

Before I walked into my closet I didn’t understand the assignment of “not coming out until my soul had surrendered”, but I obeyed what I knew I was asked to do … I played that worship song over and over and over again.

What I learned is that if I will take the time and make my soul wait on God alone, then His presence that comes in patient waiting will change my perspective. The fleshly emotions that dominated my heart and thoughts will be consumed by the overwhelming love that accompanies the presence of Jesus, because in the presence of that kind of joy-producing love, no heart can hold onto selfish motives.

In Psalm 16 – my favorite Psalm – David writes: “I experience absolute joy in Your presence.” (vs. 11)

In Acts 2:28 this verse is referenced and written this way: “You will enrapture me - diffusing my soul with joy - with and in Your presence."

Conquering Joy was fully realized in my closet that morning. When I wrote out my thoughts back in June, I was focused on the action of choice alone. I believed that all I had to do was choose joy in order to conquer my circumstances. It sounded good then, but now I understand that my thought was incomplete.

God showed me that what I choose is critical to joy being conquered. I don’t just decide to be joyful and “voila” all my nasty emotions are gone and I’m tiptoeing through the tulips of life. I must choose for “my soul to wait only upon God and silently submit to Him” (Psalm 62:5), so that “He can enrapture me – diffusing my soul with joy – with and in His presence.” (Acts 2:28) And by “filling me with all joy and peace as I trust in Him, I will overflow with hope (and love) by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)

That morning discontent, anger and discouragement were conquered by love and replaced with joy. On any given day our circumstances have the opportunity to leave us burdened with a range of joy-stealing emotions: from bitterness and envy to jealousy and greed; from insecurity and helplessness to pride, fear and loneliness. But God has given us a path to daily freedom. Choice is a powerful tool in our spiritual arsenal; one that has the capacity to change our perspective day in and day out, moment by moment … if we will just make a choice to surrender our souls to Him and wait on His presence.

“Jesus, I pray the truth of who you are and the powerful love that your presence brings will be made to known to each reader today. That surrender becomes a sweet word on our lips and an easy act of our souls as we continuously discover how to conquer joy through your authority.”

Closure on Moving

So, here we are, November 4th, and so much has happened since I last blogged about moving. I look back on my post from August 16th (Beggars-Choosers) and am amazed at what's transpired since then. Almost 2 months ago I was agonizing over the peace I didn't have about signing another 12-month lease to our Keller home. What's funny is that I look back now and think, "I was so unsettled when I wrote that. Why was I questioning whether or not another lease was a good idea? Clearly, agonizing is not peace."

Then the confirmation I was begging for came back in a loud and clear voice. Actually, it was more like a hot and sweaty one. When the AC blew the very next day, I took it as a my last sign that it was time to go. And I wrote about it the very next day. (Settled!)

By September 3rd, I made myself sit down and write what was on my heart about our move. I really believed that God was preparing us for a move to the very apartments we now live in, yet I hadn't approached Anthony with my idea. I needed that Journal Stone (Ready) to look back on ... just in case I was hearing God correctly. And the very next day we (Anthony and I) took our first trip to see these apartments and I, again, wrote out another Journal Stone (Shock and Awe) to remember our first reactions.

What I haven't included in this moving saga is the confirmation from God's Word that settled everything and was the catalyst to submitting an application for the apartment we now call home. On September 7th I awoke very early in the morning with a need to sit with God, determined that I was going get His confirmation for NRH, whether it was yes or no. Through prayer and reading, God lead me to a passage in 1 Kings that became confirmation.

1 Kings 17 documents the obedience of Elijah to do exactly as the Lord had commanded; where he went, where he stayed, how he was fed, it was all instructed by God and Elijah was taken care of by God. As I was reading, verses 3 & 4 just lit up; one of the moments when you know it's God's specific communication with you. Unfortunately, the verses didn't make immediate sense to me:

"Go from here and turn east and hide yourself by the brook Cherith, east of the Jordan. You shall drink of the brook, and I have commanded the ravens to feed you there."

Over the next hour I did extensive study on the brook Cherith and the surrounding text in 1 Kings 17, and the few points I'm documenting here both amazed me and brought great peace and confirmation.

• God instructed Elijah to leave "here" because the drought Elijah spoke of would have affected him greatly. God moved Elijah to protect him. God was moving us from Keller to protect us. From what, exactly, I may never know. But that's not the point. God's promise of protection is all that I needed to rest in.
• God asked Elijah to hide himself and be alone with Him. This spoke to me that God wanted a new season with us, personally, and moving our location was part of that plan.
• The word Cherith comes from the ancient Hebrew root meaning, to cut away, to cut up or off. This shows that God had some cutting to do in the life of Elijah during this period. When I read this, I immediately knew that I didn't need anything more in the way of confirmation than this. This season that God was moving us into was all about "Simplifying". This was God's very specific word to me when I initially began praying about moving. I knew that God wanted to teach us how to live differently; and that reducing our space and the volume of things that we had accumulated was part of that purpose. 
• It was in Cherith that God promised Elijah He would feed him there. It's not that God couldn't have had the ravens feed him anywhere else, but God wanted Elijah there, hiding by the brook Cherith. It was there that He would provide. Whatever the reasons, and for whatever purposes, God was calling us to "here" (NRH), which is our "there" (the brook Cherith). This is where He intended to provide for us. 
• Lastly, a simple confirmation that made me smile, the thought came to me to Google map the drive from our home in Keller to the apartments in NRH. Although some may say I stretched for this one, I say it's God showing His Word true. "Go from here and turn east..." are the first words of verse 3. The first words used in the directions from Keller to NRH were, "Head out and turn east". It was no coincidence to me why verse 3 was lit up when I read it and why the "random" thought to Google map the directions suddenly popped into my head. God uses both the deep and the simple to reveal His will for our lives. 

The overarching theme that stood out in this chapter is the step-by-step plan that God laid out for Elijah. He told him where to go with giving him the next step, and God also didn't tell Elijah why He was to "go here or there". He spoke and Elijah obeyed, regardless of the information or lack thereof that surrounded God's words. This was huge for me. I didn't need to know all the reasons behind the move or all the plans that laid ahead of us. I didn't need to be concerned with the details of why or what. God was confirming. He was speaking. My job, and that of my family, was simply to obey.

Conversation with God

At the end of each weekend message, Pastor Robert always closes with this question: "What is the Holy Spirit speaking to you?"

This is the conversation God had with me...

God: "Gosh, I love you." (said in the sweetest and most tender manner)

Me: "That's sweet." The words spoken to me felt so natural and were such a simple but sweet reminder.

God: That's how it [those words] makes Anthony feel.

Me: "But he demands it. You don't. I can simply tell you [i love you]. You don't make me."

God: "No, he doesn't make you. He desires it. And so do I. You just see us differently."

Me: "But I know Your love is genuine, pure, because You've never done anything to hurt me. It's easier with You. You've never let me down. I'm totally safe with You."

God: "Have I ever allowed anything that hurt you? Have you ever walked through circumstances where you questioned where I was or what I was doing or allowing?"

 Me: "Yes." (home foreclosure came to mind)

God: "My love is perfectly pure and yet sometimes it hurts because what's allowed to happen within my love can be painful. But it doesn't make my love any less genuine. Anthony's love is imperfect. It can't be perfectly pure (yet) because of sin. But that doesn't make his love any less genuine."



In this 'learning love' journey that I am on, I have been praying that God would speak into all of the distorted views I hold onto regarding love. I want to be so completely wrecked by His love that what I understand of it - both from a spiritual and human perspective - is turned upside down. On this morning, without me asking, God addressed something inside of me that I wasn't even thinking about in that particular moment. It was one of those "schfurprise" kind of moments where God sneaks up and peels back another layer of my soul and says, "I care about this. Let me show you."

Song Surrender

Let's worship.
Let's worship.
Let's tell Him how we feel.
He loves us completely.
We bring pleasure to His heart.

I will sing from the overflow of love in my heart.
Lifting high my response to who He is in my life.

I stand here in captivated worship.
Overwhelmed by Your love.
What a beautiful scene.
Jesus. Name above all others.
The center of my worship.
You're the God of all things.

I will sing from the overflow of love in my heart.
Lifting high my response to who He is in my life.


Let's Worship (by Deluge Band - featuring Kari Jobe)

October 12, 2010 - Holy Spirit placed this song in my life as a gateway to the journey of understanding soul surrender and the reality that the manifest presence of God is what's required to be able to sing a love song - like this - to Jesus.