@ 16%

My battery’s at 16%. Yes, that's the truth; probably much more figurative even though it's quite literal.

I need to plug in
The red line shouts my immediate need
What's left won't last long
What's been used can't be restored
Without tapping into the source of power
It's my choice
Keep pushing on with what remains
Knowing the inevitable outcome
Or spend the time plugged in
To get back to 100%

The needs of my computer are a complete mirror to the needs of my spiritual life... yet the process in which one gets recharged vs. the other couldn't be more opposite. The one I tend too without thought because all I have to do is plug in and walk away, go about my day and return to it fully charged without any effort on my part. The other requires me to stop my world - the obligations, the to do lists, the want to's and need to's - and make the time to listen, pray, read, sing and just be still.

I have only so much battery to run on before I drain it completely - before I have nothing left.

Life would be so much "easier" if I could get recharged the same way my computer does... just plug in and go about my day without any effort, without any thought, without any loss of time.

Today I know that, just like my computer, my "spiritual battery" is red-lining. I see the immediate need and I know the inevitable outcome. And yet, despite my knowledge, my head still is urging me to squeeze as much as I can out of that 16% and tackle my list of to do's.

After all, I can plug in when I get to 2%, can't I?

P.S. I Love You

I'm still in the midst of watching the movie P.S. I Love You but I had to open my laptop and write a quick blog. I'm amazed that the last time I blogged was back in June, but I won't lament about that now otherwise it would lead me down a rabbit trail that I didn't intend to follow.

Teighlor watched this movie a couple days ago and told me that it was cheesy, so my intent was to return it to Blockbuster before I watched it myself. I'm glad I didn't. The movie isn't some Oscar winner with a script destined for a place in history, but it struck something inside me as I watched it... the theme that God has been teaching me this week - the theme that began Sunday in church - "live for each today".

I miss my husband. He's been gone for a day and night in Wisconsin, which isn't so long in the grand scheme of time, but this movie has made me realize that every today includes him; not that I didn't think that it did before but it reminded me that too many times I take today for granted. I take so many of the little moments - the touches, the glances, the smiles - for granted and I shouldn't.

A cheesy movie somehow strikes a chord in me that reminds me - as God has been impressing - that I am to live my "each today" as abundantly as He imagined it.

Tonight I emailed my Groom the lyrics to a song from this movie. It was such a sweet song that I wanted to include those lyrics here to remember.

I just want to see you
When you're all alone
I just want to catch you if I can
I just want to be there
When the morning light explodes
On your face it radiates
I can't escape
I love you till the end

I just want to tell you nothing
You don't want to hear
All I want is for you to say
Why don't you just take me
Where I've never been before
I know you want to hear me
Catch my breath
I love you till the end

I just want to be there
When we're caught in the rain
I just want to see you laugh, not cry
I just want to feel you
When the night puts on its cloak
I'm lost for words don't tell me
All I can say
I love you till the end

P.S. My Groom, I love You Till the End...

Sleep

It's 1:50 in the morning on Sunday and I'm sitting here at the kitchen table because I can't sleep. I can't sleep because I am restless. I am restless because my mind is turning. My mind is turning because today something alarmed me. Something alarmed me because Anthony had a moment at the water park that caused me to think that some thing's not right with him physically.

So, tonight after we watched The Bucket List, I listened to him talk to me and I heard something in his voice that made me believe he thought something was wrong, too. When we rolled over to go to sleep I began to pray. Almost immediately I was reminded of the Habitation service coming up next Sunday - a week from now. I was reminded that this Habitation service is one of healing - of what kind and to what extent, we do not know - but it's a service of healing nonetheless.

Was God reminding me for a purpose? Was that His way of confirming that something is wrong and that He plans on healing Anthony? What should have reassured me only made me think more.

And after sharing this with Anthony I had this strong sense that God wanted me to get up because He had something to say to me. I listened to a worship song, had a moment of dealing with the dog and then felt pushed to read Skip's devotion from yesterday... one I had already deleted from my inbox without reading it. This is what it said... this is what God wanted to say to me...

but Jesus was asleep Matthew 8:24

Asleep – Without saying a word, Jesus still reflects an Old Testament perspective on life. To sleep in the midst of a storm reveals complete confidence in the sovereignty of God, just as the Scripture suggests in Leviticus 26:6 (lying down with no concern about trouble), Job 11:18-19 (resting securely) and Psalm 3:5 (the Lord protects the righteous even in sleep). Jesus is the Old Testament man even when He is doing nothing at all.

Sleep is perhaps the truest indicator of our confidence in God. You know this whenever you observe a small child sleeping. No cares, no worries, no wrinkles on the face, the child enters into a refreshing rest confident that someone else is taking care of the world. How tragic it is when children are robbed of this great blessing from God due to circumstances of life! How wonderful to be reminded that God watches over a child in spite of the vulnerability. But too often, we think, “I wish I could sleep like that.” We have allowed the care of the world and the deceit of riches to rob us of God’s outpouring of grace, found only when our eyes are closed.

The disciples couldn’t imagine how Jesus could sleep in the midst of such danger. Jesus couldn’t imagine how they could be so concerned when they were in the presence of God. It’s a matter of perspective, isn’t it? Most of our stormy Mondays are really a matter of misaligned perspective. Once we forget that God is absolutely sovereign, we are vulnerable to all the chaos around us. That noise and confusion shouts only one message, “Be afraid!” That’s when we need to notice that Jesus is asleep in the boat. His life is governed by the tender care and total control of the Father. If we rest in the Father’s arms, there isn’t a single storm in all the world that can disturb our refreshing slumber.

I remember years ago sitting in the bedroom of my oldest son when he was about three years old. He was sleeping so soundly. His face was radiantly relaxed. He was perfectly at ease. I was weeping. My life wasn’t at all like his. My life was full of sorrow, regret and remorse. My life was chaotic, and that chaos would eventually touch him. I knew even then that my sins were spinning out of control and it was only a matter of time before his tender slumber would be turned into nightmares – all because I was falling apart. I can remember that time like it was yesterday. My tears were not for me. They were for my son. My sins robbed him of his innocence. Within a few months, I was divorced. His life was never the same. Neither was mine. The pain of that lost sleep still haunts me, after nearly thirty years. In those days I didn’t pay attention to the God who was sleeping in my storm-tossed boat. If I had only looked at Him, I might have seen the peace that I so longed to have. But I looked out at those crashing waves and listened to that roaring wind, and decided that I needed to make my own way to the shore. I threw away a child’s rest in order to save myself. And I drowned. No one can save himself.

Perhaps you are like me. Perhaps you looked toward the storm surrounding you. Perhaps you forgot about God asleep in the boat. Look back! The security you need to survive is not on the shore. It’s in the storm-tossed boat with you, asleep under the protection of the compassionate Father. Why don’t you just close your eyes and rest next to Him?

When the Day Ends

I sat here with my fingers on the keys of my laptop for a good 15 seconds before I started typing. My head knows that I have to type this blog before I go to sleep but my heart doesn't want to. Yesterday morning (even though I'm still in the same "day" still), I know God prompted my heart to begin writing blogs again but to write them from a different perspective - one that is totally real, uncensored and unfiltered. When you know random people are reading your thoughts it doesn't make total transparency easy to come by.

How is it that I can have such an incredible day where I know God was moving through conversation and fellowship and where He generously provided through family, and then end it all badly because of a misunderstanding and/or miscommunication?

Why is it that when I feel I'm right - even if I'm not - I push my 'point' past the point of no return simply because I can?

I am struggling to find a balance between my body (the physical) and my heart (the companionship).

Where is the line between doing what's right in acts of selflessness and simply doing?

Why do I react so negatively to what is normal? At times my tongue speaks before I even have a chance to hear my own thoughts.

Lord, help me to understand my faults and flaws; to see beyond my questions to the answers.

Sunlight... Sonbright

Right now it's 2:30am, and I am still awake. I just got through reading some of the entries from Coli's Cambodia blog, but felt I needed to get a few thoughts off my chest before trying to retire for the night.

I had such an awesome day!!! It's been a long time - far too long - since I've had the privilege of spending an entire day with Coli. Long over due! Although my afternoon with her brought fun - a new haircut and prettier hair color - it was the morning hours we spent out in the front yard talking that were the highlight for me. I am always amazed at how God takes our walks with Him through such similar courses even when we have no idea that it's happening until we get together to share with each other.

We have both been struggling with our faith in what our future holds, in our belief that God will deliver what we believe He's promised us, in our ability to continue to hope and the effect it's all taken on our prayer lives at different times. Then there's the shutting down of our MySpace accounts because we both felt drawn to leave them behind - for the same reasons, around the same time. And, we both found our old blogspot accounts and began blogging again - for ourselves, not for others.

I told Coli and Anthony that I feel like Coli is my kin spirit. For years now we have found ourselves on like spiritual paths - uck, that sounds so zen-like - but, it's true. Today was just another confirmation of that. Although our circumstances are different, our struggles so mirror one another's.

There is a connection between us that crosses the age boundary. Even when we haven't talked in weeks - truly talked - we easily come back together and share as sisters.