Tuesday, December 29, 2009


...was a really bad day for me. But, it helped that I got the chance to completely vent my steam, which made me feel heard even though it didn't change my circumstances. Was I complaining? Yes. But I was also sorting through my thoughts and feelings by speaking them. It was my way of releasing it all, too.
"You are not a negative person. So I have no doubt that whatever negative you release will eventually find it's way back to something life-giving."
Yesterday I was definitely negative. Couldn't find the positive no matter how much light was shed on the subject. I was obstinate in the most obvious of ways and was choosing to stay put in my "I don't care box".

But I still have to reflect on the words above. I did release pretty much everything negative and, therefore, believe it readied my heart to even consider to be open and available to listen to Anthony when he came home. Had I not had that time to vent my steam and frustration, I believe I would have been completely belligerent and closed off later.

Does it mean everything is totally ok and we go back to status quo? No. It means there's acknowledgment that work is needed. And he sees that work is needed in him before we put all our eggs in the basket of working on a better marriage. Not that we ignore our marriage but without him [and I, for that matter] coming into a place where our baggage is dealt with, if we solely focus on building a stronger and better marriage, it will all be in vain.

So today I have to choose to drop the resentment and allow him to move forward. It is my choice. I can lug the resentment with me and continue to build it up, or I can leave it behind me and hope that God will create new life out of dead circumstances.


  1. I really really really really really really need to learn this. Because my marriage REALLY needs this. J needs a fresh start with me. Desperately. And this is something I haven't learned to do. I felt it, in a very real way, in that God moment in my living room. But my bitterness hid that secret strength away, and I need to go search it out again.

    If Jason didn't have to be labeled as who he has been, imagine who he could be!!

  2. I made all my blogs private because I will be writing in a journal for this season instead of online. I will post Jan-Apr happenings online (I think) and reopen my blogs at the end of my retreat.

    But you will still find me here...reading you.