Thursday, March 18, 2010

I Don't Believe...

in change, anymore.

i'm tired of pretending that change is a possibility.
i'm tired of hoping for the best and being dealt the opposite.
hope has become a four letter word to me ... even though it already is.

if i had a job, i'd seriously consider leaving.
but i don't ... so I can't.

i don't want to try anymore.
i don't want to move forward anymore.
i don't want to dream anymore.

i, also, don't want to leave my kids for a job.
i don't want to step out of mothering and teaching as a full-time job.
i don't want to be single, but i don't want to be married, either.
figure that one out...

i haven't spoken to my husband in three days.
unless i absolutely had to for things about the kids or plans or whatever.
he has tried to make peace with me.
peace to me = him not there.
so stop trying.

i wish i could take a month off of life and just go hang with my parents.
but i can't because i have responsibilities.
and responsibilities don't go away just because i'm tired.

there's a part of me that hates my husband.
and there's a part of me that wishes i couldn't even write that.

i heard jimmy evans tell me that God brings people together so that they can heal each other.
that works in a perfect world.
but our world ain't perfect.

one day i may look back at this and wonder.
wonder how my heart grew so cold and hard.
wonder how i ever had it in me to write such things.
right now, it's what consumes me.
right now, grace doesn't even cross my lips.
right now, moving forward is like asking me if I want to go to hell.

it's not that anything so huge happened to bring this about.
it's that nothing has changed.
words mean nothing to me when not backed up by action.
stop asking me to forgive you.
stop asking me to give you grace.

repent means CHANGE.
not ask for forgiveness over and over and over.

i know i'm hurting God's heart with these words.
i know i'm even placing myself in a bad spot with my enemy.
because i don't want to do anything that resolves this.
but this is my heart as it is right now.

and it's why i'm writing tonight.

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