I've tried DESPERATELY today to keep myself hidden in a world of escapism in order to keep my mind distracted from the reality of our financial abyss.
*I've watched a couple episodes of 'Lost' online in an attempt to catch up to Teighlor so we can watch together.
*I've watched (in quick, no commercials or boring details format) my DVR'd programs from the week, which include American Idol [performances and results], Dancing With The Stars [performances and results] and House.
*I had to be out of the house this morning for Kevin's visit with the kids, so I wasn't even home to wallow in this quagmire until almost noon.
It's now almost 7pm, and I remembered that no one had picked up the mail yet. Hoping against hope for a check that was supposed to be delivered to us YESTERDAY, I waited to see what Alec brought in. Who was I kidding??? OF COURSE that check WASN'T going to be there... that would be TOO MUCH to hope for.
I came home last night to find out that its 'sister' check [both from the same job-just different payments] also DIDN'T arrive in our mailbox while I was away escaping in California. You know things aren't going well when the 2 checks from the ONLY project in the job hopper don't come as promised. REALLY? Isn't that just like kicking a horse when it's already down???
I'm tired of this. I really believe that I have handled this current situation FAR better than our last go 'round. I've stayed positive. I've stayed faith-filled. I've continued to trust and just believe for the best.
So many OPPORTUNITIES have reared their heads over the past 3 weeks. They should keep me positive, right? Well, they have... kinda. The opportunities have been just enough to keep me hoping against hope, while waiting for one of them to actually land a PAYING job.
The problem is... hope doesn't pay the bills, and it doesn't keep the late notices and disconnection letters from rolling on in. Hope won't keep the water running through our pipes or the heat from being shut off. Hope won't put gas in the car and it won't buy food for our table. Hope won't keep the car from being repossessed or our home from going into default, which leads to foreclosure. Hope also won't pay child support or keep the State from tracking down another 'dead beat dad'.
Hope may have kept a smile on my face when I just couldn't see the light at end of the tunnel, but hope is like EVERYTHING else... there's only so much of it to go around. And when the 'hope tank' is emptied and there's no Hope Station in sight where I can refuel, this heart stops hoping... and stops caring.
I am truly, utterly, and desperately DEFEATED. I escaped my reality for 6 glorious days - hoping against hope, that SOMETHING would be different when I returned. I guess I hoped for the wrong thing. I should have hoped for 'better', not 'different'. I should have been more specific in my hope. So, for that, I DID get different, just not better... only worse.
Today, I can now say I've joined the ranks of the group of people who have, even in the smallest of ways, contemplated what it would be like to just not be here anymore. To take the chicken way out and just stop the craziness. Is my life bad enough to actually justify the "S" word? NO, of course not! I'm just being brutally honest with myself, and THIS is my forum to vomit forth that kind of honesty.
I just told my husband that if someone walked up to me right now and offered me a quick, painless, non-violent way to speed up my journey to heaven, I would consider my options. It is, without a doubt, the MOST selfish thought I've EVER had. And I know it, too.
I simply have nothing left in me to make me look forward to tomorrow. nothing at all. and that's tragic because I should. I simply don't care, nor do I want to even consider caring.
And I'm not even mad at God, nor have I discontinued believing in His sovereign care. I KNOW he loves me. I'm incredibly thankful for - and KNOW he is undeniably responsible for - the daily provision of food on our table and gas in our tank in the past few weeks - our 'just enough for today' manna. I KNOW he sees my heart right now and he's not judging me - he's filled with compassion for me and even understands my desperate hopelessness and heartache. I KNOW that he has every resource at his disposal and could rescue me tonight, in spite of my outlook [or what other Christians would judge as a "crisis of faith"]. There is NOTHING wrong with my faith in my God. I KNOW who he is, and I've experienced first-hand what he is capable of. I don't LACK faith in what God CAN do, my hope has just run dry for any kind of guarantee that I'm somehow owed, or deserve to expect, a rescue.
I am embracing the worst now and turning the corner on hoping to keep things. Without a tremendous, miraculous pay day, we've gone too long without paychecks to keep things from being repossessed and possibly foreclosed on. Not everything will happen on the same day or even in the same week, but it's coming. Right now our focus is simply on the hope of keeping things from getting shut off or disconnected. I should just cry and get it over with so I can move on emotionally, but today I feel dead inside [that's what hopelessness feels like], so the possibility of tears, or even anger, are foreign emotions to me right now.
When my husband TRIED to make me feel better, TRIED to revive my hope, I looked at him and just shook my head. Did you NOT hear my words? You don't try to make dead people feel better or try to revive their hope. They're dead! I don't want platitudes, nor do I need nice little Christianese sentences thrown my way. NOT TODAY, anyway.
Tomorrow, I may be resurrected... I may not. I haven't stopped believing in the miraculous. Really, I haven't. Today, I'm just buried... that's all.