Trust

TRUST.

That is the very word Holy Spirit spoke to me last night in church--the word God highlighted as my area of needed breakthrough from the message shared by Pastor Robert.

I believed he was going to speak finances, and then maybe even marriage or restoration of broken relationships on the side, but he spoke trust. Honestly, I was a bit surprised when the word popped up before I could even finish the question, and I just as quickly asked God "why that word?"

You see, anyone who has walked this past year with us knows that it's been a season of both financial struggle and also of unexpected provision, of pressing into God to hear his plan and obeying even when it sounded contrary to popular opinion. We've been united on this path to something new almost every step of the way, and I only use 'almost' because a year of wandering requires a lot of steps to be taken, and along the way we've both tripped and fallen--stumbled over faith and reason. We've sat down on the side of the road to question if we'd heard clearly and sometimes we cried out when silence was all we could hear. There have been days when his faith was strong and mine was lacking and vice versa, and days when we both borrowed faith from others. Days when what or how or even why was used for more prevalently than promise, trust or believe.

Here we sit on the precipice of our future. Tomorrow marks the first day of our something new that I wrote about here. And yet the promise "to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future" (Jer 29:11) is still just that ... our future. Tomorrow's work will not pay yesterday's responsibilities or the ones that come today or the ones that are already on the horizon before our future meets up with our present. And it's daunting, to say the least. A bit scary, to be totally honest. Our future holds such promise, but today's needs overshadow our future promise like a monstrous obstacle. And when sat side-by-side next to someone else's need, ours may seem like a drop in a bucket, but they're still ours ... and they must be met before our something new can fully provide for our future.

And so we sat in church yesterday. And when I asked God at the end of the message what area he wanted me most to focus on for immediate breakthrough, I fully expected to hear him say "finances". It is, after all, the most glaringly obvious choice. But he surprised me, as he so often does, and spoke trust. And so I asked him why. And he answered:

I spoke trust because if I have breakthrough with you in this area then you will fully trust me for all of the other areas (both known and unknown) where breakthrough is also needed ... and they will be taken care of.

Hand in hand we walked to the altar for prayer and were met by the smile of a man he knows better than I, but one I trust because he did first. And he prayed for us; and thanked God for our something new with us; and cried out for supernatural provision over our yesterday and today needs; and called out for our mailbox to be a place of miracles; and for God to be given glory for the testimony he was going to write in our lives as we stand in the gap between our year-long journey that's about to end and our future that is just within arms reach.

And I'm choosing to trust. Trust that God will provide in ways that I can't even begin to ask for. Not because he considers us his charity case, but His children.

In the blog I linked to above, I opened it with this passage of scripture:

Now that the worst is over, we're pleased we can report that we've come out of this with conscience and faith intact, and can face the world--and even more importantly, face you with our heads held high. But it wasn't by any fancy footwork on our part. It was God who kept us focused on him, uncompromised. 2 Corinthians 1:12 [MSG]

When God speaks to us from His Word, it IS a promise that we are to hold onto. By choosing trust, I am choosing to also hold onto this promise when we will say "now that the worst is over...". While we cannot say that just yet, it's coming. This gap is all that stands between us and our future.

Last night, before we stood to go up for prayer, a woman sitting next to me handed me four notecards with handwritten Bible verses on them. She told me that one of them was for me but she didn't know which one. I didn't look at them until we were walking out of the sanctuary. The one that (I knew when I read it) was for me was the last card, and the tears rolled down as I read His reminder to me:

But God's not finished. He's waiting around to be gracious to you. He's gathering strength to show mercy to you. God takes time to do everything right--everything. Those who wait around for Him are the lucky ones. Isaiah 30:18

The wait between here and our future seems long and heavy. But God was very purposeful last night to remind me that He's in that wait. That grace and mercy are in that wait. And my heart melted right there in those words because he didn't condemn me for needing to be reminded, he simply loved me in the reminding.

Will you stand with us in prayer for this miracle? Will you believe with us that God will provide in the gap? And that the enemy will be defeated by the blood of the Lamb and the word our future testimony (Rev 12:11)?

I don't know how God's going to do it. But today I'm standing firm, like I did when he spoke to me about our future, and I'm both asking for and trusting in a miracle.

Trust in the Lord will all your heart; lean not on your own understanding. (Prov 3:5)

Standing Firm: Job Speak

Now that the worst is over, we're pleased we can report that we've come out of this with conscience and faith intact, and can face the world--and even more importantly, face you with our heads held high. But it wasn't by any fancy footwork on our part. It was God who kept us focused on him, uncompromised. 2 Corinthians 1:12 [MSG]

As I opened up today's entry on YouVersion and read these first few sentences, I felt this strong, immediate impression that I was reading it as if these words are the newest addition to Anthony's and my testimony regarding our walk through the [un]employment journey of 2012. It was so clear to me that I found myself questioning whether or not it was my soulish desire to read it like this (through the filter of believing this job opportunity is God's plan), or if it was God. But just as quickly as that thought arrived, I was reminded of this question I read somewhere:

Why is it that we constantly question the validity (or source: me or God) when Holy Spirit speaks to us, but we so readily absorb the accusations and lies of the enemy without question?

I didn't consciously try to read this through the filter of wanting (worldly) confirmation of this plan (an official job offer). It's 6:30am--early for this brain of mine--and I've been up since 5:30am, mulling over this passage of scripture for almost an hour now. When I opened my laptop I hadn't been awake but 10 minutes and my conscience thoughts were no where near related to Anthony's job. I simply popped open the day's entry and began reading. The impression was immediate and concrete: these are your words and this is My promise and confirmation.

It is my choice whether or not to allow my flesh and my enemy to convince me otherwise, but God delights in my faith and trust, and it's in Him--not myself or my accuser--that I choose to place both.

I am risking what I declare I've "heard" from God (and my soul has a way of reminding me of this every time I talk about this job opportunity) by consistently standing on the belief that this is what God has been working out for Anthony, for us, since October 2012. I've "felt it" since the first conversation Anthony had with [him]--a conversation that quickly turned into a job interview (unbeknownst to Anthony until the end of it 1.5 hours later). There was this peace, this knowing of sorts, that wrapped that evening's re-telling of Anthony's conversation with him.

Did I think back then that it would take this long for it to come to pass? Heck NO! I was thinking ... "YES! Here it finally is!" Yet here we sit, in January 2013 (almost into February) and we're still waiting for a final word ... here on earth, at least. I believe it's already been spoken in the Heavenlies.

What's interesting to me is if you read this particular passage in any other translation it doesn't read like this at all. Maybe some would say "Aha! There's the contradiction." But that doesn't take away from what or how God chose to speak to me. On the contrary, I believe The Message translation was exactly what I was supposed to read first so that He could speak this point specifically to me--not coincidence ... not contradiction ... but purpose.

As I read the above words, my spirit was buzzing a bit, asking God if today is the day we'll know. I do not know that answer; it wasn't really addressed. But I do so love when my spirit starts to flit about like a June bug, all kinds of erratic in motion. Watch a June beetle in flight; there is nothing predictable about its pattern or course because it sees differently than I do. Hmmm... catch the nuance?

So this morning I do not shrink back from the words that I've been holding onto for months now: this job opportunity IS for us; it is what God has been working out; it is the breakthrough to something new for us--not because it comes with a paycheck but also because it comes with a paycheck. Provision is part of God's plan for us and cannot be removed because someone can choose to label that "fleshy hearted". There is nothing fleshy about believing in and for God's provision; it's faith to believe God for the provision of our needs (Matthew 6:26) and the abundance to bless us above and beyond anything we could ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:21)--and I choose to stand on faith.

A couple weeks ago, as I was coming out of a weeks-long battle with a severe cold and then the flu, I remember sitting on my couch asking God for a word to get me through January. We'd had zero word about this job opportunity for weeks; between the partnership of sickness and uncertainty, my soul was dry and in need. Immediately Jeremiah 29:11 came to mind. I actually scoffed a bit thinking "That's too easy. Everyone knows that verse, God." Then I was prompted to open up Facebook--yep, I go with the flow with God like that--and the very first entry in the news feed was this verse, posted by a friend. Okay, I hear ya, God!

When I told Anthony that day that I had asked God for a word about our situation, he had the same kind of reaction to the "overtness" of this verse, actually quoting it to me before I could tell him the specific verse God had given me--more in a questioning manner than anything declarative. Isn't it funny how we can so easily discredit the Word of God because a specific verse has somehow become cliche' and "overused" in our Christian culture? (That's a rabbit trail I won't go down in this blog, but that doesn't mean it's not worth taking.)

But God was purposing to settle my heart. Scripture is never cliche' to Him. He knows His plans and it was my choice to rest in that fact ... or not. And even today, when I can't point to an offer letter or employment start date, I can point to my God and His promise:

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give hope and a future." 

I'm smiling now as I come to the end of this [note] because I realize just how much I needed to walk through this exercise of declaration, of faith, of trust and of knowing.

Unbound

Seven days ago I sat down and wrote the following blog:

"Writing is an act of worship. It's choosing perfect words and placing them in precise order. It's downloading and concentrating life's epiphanies to a microchip of influence. The purpose of taking pen in hand to illuminate the face and heart of God; and the result is to aid humankind in the process of being changed into His likeness. I can't write unless I am inspired by nothing less than Him--not my ideas or creativity or thought process or experience. Him." Bonnie Saul Wilks

It's a quiet kind of Sunday morning as I head out to my balcony, coffee and laptop in hand, chair already positioned in the shade from days ago. These times are few and far between anymore: the solitude of thought and technology woven with the warmth and peace of the unhurried sunrise.

The past few months have not held a very productive season of writing for me, and this blog shows it. Not because my heart stopped thinking or bits of heavenly revelation ceased to break through into my tiny piece of inhabited earth. Quite the contrary. There's been an abundance of life and countless ruminating moments and God ordained epiphanies. Enough that I could have been here--writing--every day.

But my daily routine--even as unroutine as it is--was flipped on its head when my husband became a full-time presence in our home. February brought unexpected news of company downsizing and with the loss of his job came the surrender of a very appreciated and helpful tool: a company laptop he used both at work and home. Owning only one laptop personally, and with lives that are greatly intertwined with the Internet, decreasing from two computers to one was a pinch deeply felt.

I once had a laptop I called "mine" (although I shared it with our kids) that allowed me the freedom to tackle the technology tethered side of my life as I pleased. Emails, spreadsheets, budget tracking, home school, bill paying, social media, reading, writing, researching, etc. were done throughout my day at will. Flexibility is not only a requirement with my role responsibilities, ironically, it's also a key factor in remaining sane on days where schedules are crazy and I log hours of chauffeur time in the car. 

But it's the sharing of this one laptop that has strictly limited my time and access, and in turn, has bound me and my words. Often I am too discouraged to write, for the choice between productivity and creativity always looms.

Writing has always been about a moment of seized opportunity--a Carpe Diem of words and time--when I can't go one more minute without allowing my fingers to speak through the keyboard, spilling inside-out my thoughts and emotions and God's unveiled truths. Purging is cathartic and necessary. When held within, too many words cause me to feel burdened. Heavy. Writing frees me. Without it, I seem to shrivel.

Sensory stimulus is also a necessary part of thought release; my linguistic spring board of sorts. A desk, an office chair and a static monitor do not stir the pot of words in my soul. Give me an open window, or better yet, an unlocked door to the bounty of life outside these four walls and it is then that I am unleashed, free to roam in contemplation and creativity.

I need to personally witness the occasional hawk soaring among the clouds of the blue sky, breathe in the fresh air, regardless of what temperature the digital thermometer reads, and listen to the harmony of a bird's song and cricket's chirp mixed with the intermittent sound of a car door closing or engine turning over. Every moment out there is the potential catalyst for a new idea recorded here.

But it's the restriction of time with this shared laptop that has bound me, and the heaviness of this word load inside me is beginning to take its toll.

I take a step outside. Butterflies are thriving this year. I don't just want to read about them through a post on someone's wall or see them via a friend's Twitpic. I want to marvel at their spotted wings and tongues that curl like cinnamon rolls with my own eyes. And those birds that are a constant presence on the rain gutter above my living room window? I want to listen to them with my own ears and wonder what they're communicating to one another ... or their Creator. Their song is like a beautiful prayer language. I don't know what is being said, I just know that they are speaking and that God is listening.

It's in moments like these where sight and sound becomes the invitation and inspiration to write.

"Open your eyes and there it is! By taking a long and thoughtful look at what God has created, people have always been able to see what their eyes as such can't see: eternal power, for instance, and the mystery of His divine being." Romans 1:20 [MSG]

I look and listen, asking for mystery to be unveiled through creation; for the Hand of Heaven to reach down and write His Words on my heart.

"God's glory is on tour in the skies, God-craft on exhibit across the horizon. Madame Day holds classes every morning, Professor Night lectures each evening. Their words aren't heard, their voices aren't recorded, but their silence fills the earth: unspoken truth is spoken everywhere. God makes a huge dome for the sun - a super dome! The morning sun's a new husband leaping from his honeymoon bed. The day-breaking sun an athlete racing to the tape." Psalm 19:1-4 [MSG]

A lone bird has flown through balcony openings between guard rail and ceiling five separate times in just as many minutes. I stop. Always stop and give an audience to the comings and goings of God's creatures. She is "this close" to me. Fluttering, even pausing mid-air, repetitively looking for a place to land. But rest is not found here for her. I want to capture this moment on film, but the thought comes too late. Her investigation has concluded and a subsequent choice to locate a wider beam is made. As she flies away, I wonder if God's creatures are as fascinated with my movements and sounds as I am with theirs? I shake my head in answer to my own question. Probably not. He did not create us for them, but them for us. 

I pause to ponder and stop to see, soaking in what can only be enjoyed in moments of intermission, and I realize how much I have missed these writing recesses--deliberate sojourns in my day taken with the sole purpose of becoming and transcribing inspiration--of hearing Him in bird's song, seeing Him in soaring wings and inhaling Him in morning breeze. With this computer in my lap, I record much of what I experience--embers of ideas holding the potential of completed word offerings.

But it's the sharing of this laptop that has bound me and my words and restricted my access to opportunities like these. Or has it?

Oh, how a week can change circumstances, even when nothing but perspective is shifted. Let me explain...

In April, Anthony and I were meeting with a friend at church (actually he was meeting and I was tagging along). Through our discussion said friend concluded correctly that as a family we were sharing one laptop and popped up with, "Could you guys use an iMac? It's an older one, but I don't use it anymore and would love to bless your family." Whaaaat? Within 24 hours we had the computer in our home and set up at the family desk. Every time I walked by it I was blown away by God's goodness and the utmost generosity of this friend.

What tickled me even more was that four years earlier Anthony had shown me an iMac at the Apple store in Southlake and told me that it was the computer he wanted for our family, but we weren't in a place of needing or affording a new system. Within that time frame we went from four computers to one: two Windows desktops crashed (because that's just what they do) and my MacBook died (because I accidentally spilled some coffee on it), and we've been operating with our lone laptop for the past year.

With this gift, God not only doubled the computer access in our home but, more significantly, He also blessed us with the very computer my husband had desired for our family. That's not just provision but Ephesians 3:20 abundance.

Here's how I tie today's thoughts with the blog above: When we brought the iMac home we had the choice of using it as our family computer or setting it up in our bedroom (which is also Anthony's office) and allowing the family to use the laptop. We decided the iMac was the better choice for the family for three reasons: the MB Pro has years of life on it for both Anthony and me, the substantial monitor on the iMac allows us to easily view what our kids are doing on the internet and it just made sense because it was the very system Anthony had talked about for years. So I moved the files I absolutely needed from the laptop to the iMac and relished, albeit shortly, the opportunity to accomplish my responsibilities during daytime hours instead of waiting until evening when Anthony could relinquish the laptop.

What I quickly discovered was that everything I worked on, from finances to personal email, was visible to anyone who walked by because our family computer is located in a high traffic area and the large iMac monitor puts everything on easy display. On the creative scale, I found writing difficult because "A desk, an office chair and a static monitor (facing a blank wall) do not stir the pot of words in my soul."

Within weeks I curtailed my usage on the iMac until the kids had gone to bed (for privacy) and found myself right back in the same quandary I had previously been in when sharing the laptop: working and writing later in the night, or not at all, because daytime hours contained obstacles and evening hours were filled with dinner, family time and chauffeuring responsibilities. The iMac was a huge blessing and joy for our kids, and for that I was over-the-moon thankful, but it just wasn't working for me. Or was it?

Fast forward 60 days, past April's gift and last Sunday's lament, to yesterday's epiphany that brought a large slice of freedom to our household ... okay, really to me. While working at the iMac God asked me, "Why is the static computer out here and the portable laptop in there (our bedroom) when Anthony is always sitting at the desk working? Wouldn't it make more sense to bring the laptop out here so that you can have the freedom you need to unplug and move about?"

*Insert the sound of God's common sense brick hitting me upside the head*

[And there's a bonus ... the kids don't even have to touch the laptop because we have an external mouse and keyboard attached, and we can still see their movement on the internet because we have a large dual monitor set up next to it.]

"There is a way that seems right to man, but in the end it leads to death." Proverbs 14:12

Allow me a little latitude with this scripture. I know it references our choices in life leading to eternal death, but on a surface level it fits this situation. For months I had been shriveling (dieing) inside--from a way that seemed right--when the answer was in front of me the entire time. God had not only provided a second computer to solve the laptop sharing dilemma, but had also made a way for the flexibility (life) my soul craved. My eyes were so focused on the what-made-the-most-sense-details that I completely missed the forest for the trees. I can hear Gateway's freedom teaching resounding in my head now: "We have to get you to remove your hand from in front of your face so God can show you the bigger picture."

And yes, in case you doubted, God is interested in and even cares about the seemingly insignificant "life problems" such as how to best share computers because we're told that "the very hairs on our heads are numbered" (Luke 12:7), and that seems like pretty useless information to me.

Hand gone. Vision caught. Problem solved. Freedom found.

I am now unbound.

Team KK

I am an avid reader of Karen Kingsbury's books because, as a fiction writer, she has an incredible knack for using words to pull you into her stories and make you feel as if you know her characters like family. She just posted another opportunity to become part of Team KK, and both Teighlor and I posted our submissions for a chance to win. Below is the info and my response (because I thought it would be fun to have this post on my blog and look back if I get chosen):

TEAM KK NOTICE: It's that time again!!!
I will choose 30 of you to win an ADVANCE COPY of LOVING for the purpose of REVIEWING it for our FACEBOOK FRIENDS here in my virtual living room!! I will also choose 30 of you, whose comments I will publish in an upcoming book.
HOW TO ENTER: Write 1-3 lines describing me as an author or the way you feel about my books. Also include 1 line about why you want to be on TEAM KK. I will choose 30 of you whose comments I will publish in an upcoming book. OR I may choose you among an additional 30 people to be on TEAM KK. If you are chosen to be on TEAM KK, you will receive the book next week and you will need to submit a 250-word review by Friday, March 9. NO SPOILERS, of course :) Please only enter if you are able to do this :)
You will receive a private message tomorrow if you are a winner.
Submit your comment about me or my books below this post. You could win by having your comment selected for a future book, or by being selected as TEAM KK, to review an advance copy of LOVING.
Entries can be submitted through 8 a.m. Friday (PST).
Here we go!!! Love you all :)

"In a world inundated with writers who fill pages with hopeless violence, excessive indulgence and unnecessary promiscuity, Karen always captures my heart with characters that become family members and story-lines filled with hope, redemption and the transforming power of God's love. Her books are shining lights in a dark world."

"I want to be on Team KK to get even a small chance to be a part of Karen's ministry through the faithful use of her God-give gift with story-telling would be the opportunity of a lifetime for this devoted reader."

Team KK gets chosen this week. I'm hoping that both of us get picked, but if I had to be honest, it would thrill me most if Teighlor was chosen because she lives and breathes Karen's books, even to the point of reading some multiple times.

God, would you bless Teighlor with this special opportunity? Love, her Mom

I Got You

I just got through reading this on Kate's blog,

"... and I thought about how God had heard my prayer. He had my back. He was and is working it out. He’s not tired. He’s not going to abandon the project before He’s brought it all to the complete redemption He’s meant for it. And none of this is because I’d been having regular “quiet times”, or praying as much as I could have, or being a particularly good anything. It doesn’t make sense, really. But He has me in a way I can hardly wrap my mind around…and He loves me. He is the same every day - faithful and true to His word - regardless of where I’m at."

and I had these thoughts:

• Do I always believe that God's got me, that He really has my back?
• What is about me that so firmly believes, without doubt, in the redemptive work of God in the lives of those I know, but I struggle at times to hold onto that for myself?
• How often do I stop to consider the fact that God never sleeps, even when He created me to?
• How long will it take for me to become convinced of who I am to Him and that He requires nothing of me except to abide in Him?
• Is it remotely possible to understand the depth and height and width and sheer volume of God's love for me ... even just a teensy-weensy bit?

As I write that last bullet point, the song "Let's Worship" by Deluge & Kari Jobe is playing; and I am reminded of how I wrestled with the concept of that song over a year ago in my closet for hours on end (especially the line "I will sing from the overflow of love in my heart"), playing it on repeat over 30 times before I got up. Coincidence? I think not. I digress...

"And none of this is because I’d been having regular “quiet times”, or praying as much as I could have, or being a particularly good anything." (Italics mine)

That line caught me in my heart as soon as it passed through my mind. And I immediately thought of my kids. And I understood the depth of that thought. The sheer volume of love weaved throughout it and wrapped all around it.

Do I require anything of my children in order to love them; to take care of them; to protect them; to provide for them; to pray for them; to help them; to meet their needs ... and even exceed them? 

No. And neither does my Daddy-God.

Although I wrote the above question as I thought of my children, I could just as easily go back and hear God's voice speaking it over me. After all, I think this thought because He thought it first. I love because He first loved me; and I've learned how to take care, protect, provide, pray, meet needs ... and even exceed them ... because He did (and does) it all first.

"I Got You."

That simple sentence is abounding in strength and swimming in fierce tenderness all at the same time. It makes me exhale in peaceful and smile at its sweetness. He's got me.

[I AM] encouragement

Last Sunday, Anthony and I attended a meeting at Gateway for Small Group Section/Zone Leaders. The last part of the meeting consisted of the leaders getting in groups just to pray, encourage and prophesy over one another. love.Love.LOVE. times like this!

As we were huddled in circles drawn by chairs and prayers began being lifted up, I felt HolySpirit spark my heart and heard His voice begin speaking. I grabbed my notebook and pen and wrote as fast as the words came. When there came a pause in prayer, I shared this with our group.

These words were God's heart for us and a reminder of [who] He is, and I wanted to share them with you, too. Sometimes, just having our Dad tap us on the shoulder and say, "I AM here", is all we need.

I AM the LORD your God
I go before and behind you
I encircle round about you
There is no place, no crack, that I do not cover
I AM your strength and shield; your strong tower
I AM your peace
I AM your wisdom
I AM your safety
I AM your joy
I AM the answer to your every question
I AM laughter in the midst of your frustration
I AM the eye in the center of your raging storm
I AM your comfort in the lowest place
I AM your all in all
because I AM

Shut Up and Pray

HolySpirit has been whispering a theme to me for the past few weeks. His words came nicely the first time, "Talk less. Pray more." WisdomWords spoken through a Titus2 leader that hovered over my heart and seemed tangible enough for me to chew on. Simple statements speak volumes to me, and God knows me best.

I was frustrated. Tired. Worn out. Life was not being fair and I wanted people to know it. I didn't desire to spill all the beans, just enough to make me feel better.

When I didn't exactly heed those words in full embrace, HolySpirit was kind enough to deliver them again with a bit more punch, "SHUT UP and PRAY!" And sometimes simple statements have to be backed up with strength [because] God knows me best.

Do I think my God to be rude and lacking in love to say 'shut up' to me? Absolutely not. Quite the contrary, I know Him well enough by now to understand His intent. He loves me too much to [not] shout a declarative statement of safety. Wouldn't I shout at my child about to run into a street, all in the name of protection? Absolutely.

My God is protecting me while at the same time teaching me. That is what a [good] parent does.

Evening, morning and at noon will I utter my complaint and moan and sigh and He will hear my voice. ~ Psalm 55:17

[PLEASE] steady my heart

JEHOVAH knew what I needed today. HOLYSPIRIT led me to this video, to this song. that's why i'm posting it.

my life is messy. it is not easy. and pain is a part of it. we are all the same in that sense.

but right perspective is a part of His plan. today, [this] was YAHWEH righting my perspective. and when i see differently, when my eyes are drawn off of me and rightly focused on Him, i am changed.



steady my heart [kari jobe]

wish it could be easy

why is life so messy

why is pain a part of us

there are days i feel like

nothing ever goes right

sometimes it just hurts so much

but you're here

you're real

i know i can trust you

even when it hurts

even when it's hard

even when it all just falls apart

i will run to you

cuz i know that you are

lover of my soul

healer of my scars

you steady my heart

you steady my heart

i'm not gonna worry

i know that you've got me

right inside the palm of your hand

each and every moment

what's good and what gets broken

happens just the way you planned

you are here…

... you steady my heart

and i will run to find refuge in your arms

and i will sing too cuz of everything you are

you steady my heart

even when it hurts...

A Story Continued

There are seemingly random moments when I am drawn backwards through my days and thoughts and feelings and rantings preserved here. In black and white. For my memories. For your indulgence. That word indulgence chosen with the best of intentions. With sincerity, not sarcasm.

Today is one of those seemingly random days where my past called out to me and I went looking for its voice. I found it. It's in all of these writings. But one in particular caught my eye this morning. Made me realize that the reason HolySpirit draws me back is so I can update a story still unfolding. No story is ever complete. Is it?

Four months ago I lamented about change. Change that made my heart gasp. Out of fear. Out of hurt. Out of not understanding. Out of the unexpected and unprepared. It made my fingers feel like they weren't strong enough to hold on. Made my heart wonder if I really had followed HisVoice. If I'd heard correctly or just listened long enough. Long enough to assume what I thought I needed and then run off to do what I thought best.

These are the words that were gripping my heart on that day:

"Too many questions swirling around. Not enough answers."

And life went on.

This same change lament stirred my heart a month later. So I did then what I'm doing today. I unfolded the story as it stood on that day. These are the words that HolySpirit spoke to me--helping to move me forward on that month-later-day; words that stirred hope from what I didn't understand when I lamented:

"Love cannot be forced, it must be chosen.
And a heart is not yours simply because it lives with you
or shares your name
or even has history attached to you.
A heart is won through pursuit and wooing."

And now.

Six weeks have just been marked off the calendar. Of high school classes taught from a building, not my home. Of lunches packed the night before, instead of when his belly stirs, usually around noon. Of  student cafeterias instead of our kitchen table. Of morning alarms and commutes to and from. Of flexible days replaced by bell schedules. Of daily discipline unknown or imagined. Of physical discipline that is building a man; building strength, power and character. Of the foundation that is built for the sport he loves not on the field with bat and ball but in the gym, through sweat and circuits. And of adaptation to a lifestyle that was foreign and even scary. For both of us. Of him stepping out and me letting go. Of listening to my 'knower' and obeying what God had called us to. And then having the courage to say 'yes'. Yes is really all that's required when God calls. I usually find it's the hardest part.


And now.

Four months have ticked by for her and for us. God spoke space. At least I believed He did then. I still do believe that now. Sometimes space is what God needs so we'll get out of His way. Stop trying to control what He wants to change. And change has happened. Somewhere along the way change happened. Smiles have replaced frowns. Light has swallowed up darkness. Hugs abound. Fingers reach out to hold mine. A glance is given and not missed. I see change even though I don't fully understand how it happened. But do we ever really understand the metamorphosis that takes place in that cocoon when an unseemly caterpillar goes into hibernation only to emerge a beautifully exquisite butterfly?

I want to believe that God works when we are willing to temporarily let go. I'm watching. I'm listening. I'm asking. Doubt wants to speak--wants me to listen to [him] instead of believe in HIM.

But I see change. And that is what I'm choosing to nurture. With eyes wide open, not from fear, but from the understanding that He gave them to me so I could watch, and see. With ears attuned not by a desire to catch untruth but to listen to a heart and help lead it, always loving it. With arms open, wider than they were before, because space taught me something. That it should always only be temporary, never permanent. And that arms were never created with the intent to push away out of rejection or misunderstanding but to take in and speak love without words.

And so, for now, this is a story continued.

And I am confident of this, that He who began a good work will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ.  [Phillipians 1:6]

my little [pinkheart]

there are moments when GOD reaches out his hand and reminds me [who] he is in such unexpected ways. this morning, he did just that.

as i sat here, ready to write down my moment with GOD, i realized i'd never taken the time to write down my [pinkheart] transformation from pink impact back in april. so much was going on with heather that by the time life settled my pink memories were tucked safely inside my pink journal.

without going into the full story behind my [pinkheart] transformation, which will become its own blog very soon, i'll just state that GOD opened the heavens and poured love into me, transforming my gray heart of stone into a pink heart of flesh; not flesh as in 'walking in the flesh' but flesh as in 'no longer hard and closed but now soft and open'.

yesterday i was wrestling with doubt and fear. they sabotaged me in the form of "giants in the promised land". i was focused on what my eyes could see instead of what my GOD has promised me. my husband, seeing those pesky critters (doubt and fear), reminded me of the giants in the promised land and spoke right to my unwanted visitors.

side note: this is a part of marriage that i love, love, love! GOD knows that a primary benefit of joining one+one {twogether} is that when {one} is stumbling around, the {other one} is available to pick them up. yesterday, my {other one} did just that.

this morning, still feeling the remnants of my wrestling match, i decided to soak in some worship music. forgetting to make my next song choice before my current song was over, my shuffler landed on [you are for me]. i sat back, closed my eyes and just let the music wash over me. as the lyric "even if to write upon my heart" was sung, i asked GOD what he wanted to write on my heart today. not knowing what to expect, he opened my spiritual eyes and showed me this:

he reached out his hand and with his finger he wrote on my little [pinkheart] the word: FAITHFUL. as the song continued, he wrote the words: patient, gracious, merciful, true and wonderful; one on top of the other. the chorus began again and as the lyrics wound their way to "i know that you will never forsake me in my weakness", GOD won the race to my flesh and covered me with himself just before I could steal his moment away with guilt over yesterday's weakness. and when i say he covered me, he kinda literally did.

still seeing my [pinkheart], GOD reached out both hands, wrapped them behind my heart and then ... well, he brought his cheek down and pulled my heart to his cheek. and then he just nuzzled it--my little [pinkheart]--like a child would nuzzle their favorite stuffed animal close to their cheek. i was this close to becoming consumed by yesterday's weakness, but GOD invaded that moment and, with purpose, overwhelmed me with such tender affection.

yes, he was well aware of my weakness, but that's not what he was focusing on. my flesh wanted to rid itself of the condemnation of doubt and fear. GOD came to love on me; knowing that by doing so, he wasn't just removing fear and doubt, he was filling me with himself.

this act of my daddy so sweetly loving his little girl caught me off guard. i was overcome with sobs of gratefulness, knowing he could have just forgiven me for my weakness--which wouldn't have been wrong--and i would have felt better ... but GOD went far beyond my expectations ... he wrote [who] he is on my little [pinkheart].

{today}

{today} is gloomy.
Perfect weather considering the way I feel.

Itchy eyes. Morning congestion. Scratchy throat.
It's not a cold.
It would have been in California.
Since moving to Texas, I now call them allergy symptoms.
[what?]
Crazy that it took me a couple years, but I now understand spring and autumn allergies ... personally.

{today} is gloomy. 

Perfect weather considering the way I feel.

I have every painful and annoying symptom of starting my period.
And they've all come on like gangbusters.
Go big or go home, right?
It's going to be a Naproxen and heating pad kind of day.
[hurray]

{today} is gloomy. 

Perfect weather considering the way I feel.

But then I opened the blinds of the window just beyond my bedroom desk.
And I looked outside.
What wasn't there yesterday is here today ... this morning.
The first signs of spring on the trees that separate us from NRH20.
I've been wondering when 'our trees' - the ones framed inside my windows - were going to join in.
When I would see some cotton balls that magically turn into leaves?

{today} GOD
Reminded me of His promise of newness through the window I look out everyday.
Reminded me of His ability to change or create overnight.
Reminded me that what appeared dead yesterday was simply waiting for His touch the next morning.

I needed this {today}.

Goodness Under Pressure

I'm committed to putting down in writing the big, small, significant [or seemingly insignificant] things God does in my life as they happen [or have happened] because I want to remember - need to reminded of - ALL the ways He takes care of me and shows me His inherent Goodness.

Yesterday, after picking the kids up from school, we stopped at the grocery store on the way home to pick up a few things. Things are TIGHT right now, so I turned this unexpected "field trip" into a teaching moment. Instead of me making all the decisions and them tagging along for the ride, I had the kids pitch in with ideas for meals that would feed us [some days the 4 of us, some days the 6 of us] for the week, right up through Sunday night when we take the girls back to their Mommy's house.

We had "this much" money to spend, and no more, so this became our challenge. Zigzagging through the store, we were on a search for any items on sale. 45 minutes later, the basket held our food for the week... almost. As we went through the items and the meal plans for each day, it quickly became clear that we were one day short. We didn't have a meal for Wednesday.

Teighlor showed me a coupon for chicken breasts packs - Buy One, Get Two Free - so over to the meat department we trekked. It turns out they were still packing, wrapping and labeling the chicken and wouldn't have any available for another 15 minutes. I was done shopping and was feeling icky from a day of all caffeine and no food, so I passed on the chicken and decided to head home without Wednesday's dinner.

Fast forward a couple hours and we get a call from Anthony's Mom. She's in Dallas a few days every week educating hospital staff on the ins and outs of a computer program she's used for years, so we've had the good fortune of getting a visit from her on a weekly basis. With baseball practice in full swing, the only night we have available for her to come over is Wednesday. Before my brain could go into panic mode upon remembering that it's the ONLY night for which I didn't grocery shop, she joyfully shares with us that she would love to cook for us, and she'll be bringing all the necessary items with her.

Mom is treating us. Dinner is now covered. God steered me away from spending money [I really didn't have to waste] on a dinner He had every intention of providing.

This morning I read a devotion about recognizing God's goodness in times of immense pressure; acknowledging the acts of kindness that flow from God's heart to us through the people He chooses on any given day.

This act is not going unnoticed. I see the intentionality of every part of this, and I declare the Goodness of my Father in Heaven!

Thank You, Jehovah-Jireh, for showing me Your faithfulness!