So This Is Love

So this is love, Mmmmmm

So this is love

So this is what makes life divine

I'm all aglow, Mmmmmm

And now I know

The key to all heaven is mine

My heart has wings, Mmmmm

And I can fly

I'll touch every star in the sky

So this is the miracle that I've been dreaming of

Mmmmmm

Mmmmmm

So. This. Is. Love.

When I was a little girl playing with my Barbie's, my Ken and Barbie were almost always Cinderella and Prince Charming, in terms of the shaping and unfolding of their love story in my active imagination ... and with the help of my 3-story Barbie Dreamhouse.

As I grew older and laid my Barbie's aside--although not until I was 12, or so--I transitioned to daydreaming about my 'one day' Prince Charming. I was, after all, raised on Disney films and my favorite was, of course, Cinderella. Thoughts of my prince riding up the sandy beach on his white steed and scooping me up with one arm--me all barefoot and long hair flowing in the summer breeze, as the sun was beginning to set across the ocean's horizon--would lull me to sleep many a night. (I was raised a southern California beach girl. My dreams always included the ocean and sandy beaches.)

Ah, the dreaming heart of a young girl and her visions of love shaped by fairytales and the hand-drawn imagineering's of Disney and his crew. Now girls daydream of their Romeos with Taylor Swift's Love Story the background music to their romantic imaginations.

What's the saying? "Young love. Ain't it grand!"

Actually, it is sweet and filled with all kinds of idealistic views of enchantment and princes and glorious rescues from the mundane world of homework or chores and grand adventures of conquering the world together through a love much deeper and stronger than anyone who ever lived before, or will ever live again.

But how come there's only side to that coined phrased? Why can't I recall one about old love just as easily? You know ... the time and trial tested kind of love? Surely that deserves a catchphrase all it's own. Right? Maybe when we get a few more Hollywood writers to capture our hearts with stories like Carl and Ellie's from UP (I could watch that opening scene a billion times over and never grow tired of it), the tide of a culture hypnotized by youth and the backwards notion that passion is reserved for young love will be begin to turn. Maybe.

I digress. All of this really came pouring out of me as I opened my blog to write about this week's Marriage Builder, an email blast from Marriage Today written by Jimmy Evans (one of my absolute favorites!). Today's email really got me thinking, and there were a few golden nuggets I just had to keep, while adding my thoughts--not to improve upon, but make personal.

Jimmy writes:

"In the eyes of God, our story was far more significant than two kids who fell in love and decided to get hitched."

Story. I love that word because I adore reading a well-written story. I've often thought of my life as a story unfolding--just take a look a the sub-header of my blog--but I've given far less thought to the fact that my life with Anthony, our marriage, tells a story just as well. Why have I restricted 'story' to an individual? For that matter, doesn't our family tell it's own story?

"God brought Karen into my life for ... purpose. God envisioned us as a couple long before we ever met. He knew exactly what I needed in a life partner. He created Karen with the gifts, talents, and attributes I most needed in a wife. He created me to meet her needs as well." [Jimmy Evans]

Most love stories we watch on film or read in books never touch this concept: that of finding a spouse that meets your needs instead of your wants. We speak in terms of the hair color we're attracted to, the build, those eyes. We even list out character traits such as sense of humor or fun or intelligent or handy. I wonder how my thoughts for my future husband would have been affected had I turned my prayers for him towards God's perspective instead of being so me-focused: "Can I please have someone who likes baseball and loves the outdoors and taking long walks on the beach?"

Thinking about it now, with lots of years of marriage under my belt, He probably would have said, "If he loves you, he will spend his time doing things with you that you love (and vice versa), but that's not how I look at partnership."

I never thought to pray for someone that would sharpen me and challenge me and encourage me to become a rockin woman of God. Someone who would have talents and skills and attributes that not only complimented me but were also different (gasp!) from mine. And maybe to pray for my future husband to have eyes like God, to see like He does, and have a heart always seeking to be more like Jesus.

Do you see the difference? I know that God created us visual creatures, men more so, and that part of the love connection equation includes attraction and chemistry. God has to draw us to someone initially, doesn't He? But what if our prayers were so focused on the heart of our future spouse--the way God sees (1 Samuel 16:7)--that we trusted God for the rest of our 'wants'? How much different might we enter the convenant of marriage?

"We understood little about what we were getting into. We barely survived those early years." [Jimmy Evans]

I deeply resonate with this in my marriage to Anthony. I was no more prepared the second time around than I was the first, I simply brought in years of mothering experience, lots of wounds and no greater perspective on the real purpose for marriage. I owe our survival to nothing more than God's massive covering of grace and a handful of godly people speaking into our lives at just the right moments.

"But here's what I know: If I had seen [Karen] as someone God created especially for me, I never would have disrespected her as often as I did in our first years together. I never would have taken her for granted. I would have loved her more, treated her better, and been more patient, thoughtful and tender. I would have listened better and worked harder to meet her needs. I would have cherished her, nurtured her, encouraged her, treasured her, and helped her become what God intended her to be." [Jimmy Evans]

Oh, I would have too with Anthony. I would have too. But here's what I know: God is our Redeemer (Isaiah 47:4) and is capable of taking any number of years we feel we may have survived and turning them into beauty (Isaiah 61:3). The story He wants to write with our marriages began with His heart for Adam and Eve:

"God formed Adam and eve to build a lifelong love affair with each other, to walk hand-in-hand in the Garden, to keep each other warm at night, to work out problems when they disagreed--to grow in love and learn how to navigate life together as a married couple." [Jimmy Evans]

I know that Cinderella will forever enchant the hearts of little girls because it's meant to--it's a fairytale. But for me now, I'd much rather have my {love} story look like Carl and Ellies.

 SO. THIS. IS. LOVE.

Funky, Funky

Man, I'm in a funk. A true, weighty, bonafide funk. I can feel it inside and out, physically, emotionally and spiritually. If I could watch me, I would see it: in the lack of twinkle in my eyes, in the way a smile doesn't quite make it to my lips often enough and in the way laughter seems like a long-lost treasure buried deep beneath.

I'm not writing now so I can send 'negative energy' out into the world or to illicit uplifting comments to make me feel better. Heck, no one will probably even know these words exist because I'm not going to promote them anywhere. This post is just for me because I realize how much I stay away from published words when I don't have something "positive" to write.

It's not that people could look at my life from the outside in and think "her life sucks". I'm not homeless. Actually, I quite like the little abode we live in. It's the one place I've lived in since being married that most fits my tastes for a home. I have food in my pantry and refrigerator, albeit I wish Mr. Budget had more room for much healthier choices. I have a car that gets me everywhere I need to go. I have clothes to wear everyday and a warm bed to sleep in at night. I even have a set of white twinkle lights strewn along my fireplace mantle. Oh, how I really do love twinkle lights. There's something quite magical about them to me.

And yet, here I am writing about funk.

I've thought about this funk a lot lately in my downtime, probably because I both ended last year and began this new year battling sickness. My 10-day head cold in December didn't knock me off my feet, it just added fatigue and fogginess to my everyday schedule. But this flu that came raging in in January did. Yesterday was the first day in nine days that I woke up and felt like Mr. Life-Sucking Fatigue was gone. Seriously. I felt 82-years-old with this bug--a fraile, drained, unhealthy 82.

And this dance with our finances? I'm ready to stop spinning and get off the floor--to sit down and rest. 2012 was another tough year when it comes to our budget, and while God strengthened my courage more days than I can count and deposited hope when circumstances were bleak, I can honestly say that I so want things to turn around now. I'm longing to make a budget instead of just being able to pay a bill when a freelance job comes around. I'm longing to tackle what remains of our debt instead of incur more. I'm longing to thrive and not just survive--to look forward to an upcoming birthday or holiday and not fear the cost associated with it. I'm longing to climb into the boat instead of wading in the water holding onto the life preserver. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's how I feel.

And my marriage? Well, we're in the beginning stages of learning "differently", with a trusted friend and pastor coming alongside to help us see and think differently. But that doesn't mean that the toll of choices and circumstances hasn't been exacted. Blended family. Baggage from previous marriages. Brokenness being uncovered and still in the process of healing. It's all taken its toll. I never dreamed that marriage would be such a battle to survive, but these past five (almost six) years have been more battle than refuge. Marriage is never easy, but I don't think I ever considered how difficult blended marriage would be. Building a life with someone you didn't grow up with takes work and courage and determination, but trying to do that and navigate the rough ocean of exes and kids you only get to influence and not parent and financial struggles ... well, that's a perfect storm that's bound to leave wreckage in its path.

I'm realizing how much a long battle with anything drains the human soul, let alone multiple battles.

Grace Breeds Grace

"Grace breeds grace and gives you eyes to see the person, not the offense."

Good Lawd, Ris, you could have just written that sentence and it would have been enough to slay me, but then you followed up with these words:

"It was hard because my heart wanted to hold on to judgment, but God was prodding it towards grace. He almost always wants to do that if we let him."

"Our marriages are living, ever-changing exchanges between two imperfect people that need to daily draw from grace."

I asked HolySpirit this morning to speak into me perspective, because last night I went to bed frustrated and miffed, and in all honesty, woke up that way too.

And then I opened my email and saw the title of this article sitting there, waiting for me. "The.Gracious.Wife." I had to grab a fresh cup of coffee because I just knew I was going to be wooed out of my pity-party and into the wise lap of my Father who understands my emotions, but more importantly, desires to align my heart with His.

Sometimes alignment hurts. Even more so, it's humbling because it requires choice. I can choose grace this morning, or I can choose offense. Oh, how my flesh desires the second choice. But, the Spirit of God ... well, He knows the beauty of grace and sings over me loud enough to cover the grumblings of my selfish soul.

Shut Up and Pray

HolySpirit has been whispering a theme to me for the past few weeks. His words came nicely the first time, "Talk less. Pray more." WisdomWords spoken through a Titus2 leader that hovered over my heart and seemed tangible enough for me to chew on. Simple statements speak volumes to me, and God knows me best.

I was frustrated. Tired. Worn out. Life was not being fair and I wanted people to know it. I didn't desire to spill all the beans, just enough to make me feel better.

When I didn't exactly heed those words in full embrace, HolySpirit was kind enough to deliver them again with a bit more punch, "SHUT UP and PRAY!" And sometimes simple statements have to be backed up with strength [because] God knows me best.

Do I think my God to be rude and lacking in love to say 'shut up' to me? Absolutely not. Quite the contrary, I know Him well enough by now to understand His intent. He loves me too much to [not] shout a declarative statement of safety. Wouldn't I shout at my child about to run into a street, all in the name of protection? Absolutely.

My God is protecting me while at the same time teaching me. That is what a [good] parent does.

Evening, morning and at noon will I utter my complaint and moan and sigh and He will hear my voice. ~ Psalm 55:17