Trust

TRUST.

That is the very word Holy Spirit spoke to me last night in church--the word God highlighted as my area of needed breakthrough from the message shared by Pastor Robert.

I believed he was going to speak finances, and then maybe even marriage or restoration of broken relationships on the side, but he spoke trust. Honestly, I was a bit surprised when the word popped up before I could even finish the question, and I just as quickly asked God "why that word?"

You see, anyone who has walked this past year with us knows that it's been a season of both financial struggle and also of unexpected provision, of pressing into God to hear his plan and obeying even when it sounded contrary to popular opinion. We've been united on this path to something new almost every step of the way, and I only use 'almost' because a year of wandering requires a lot of steps to be taken, and along the way we've both tripped and fallen--stumbled over faith and reason. We've sat down on the side of the road to question if we'd heard clearly and sometimes we cried out when silence was all we could hear. There have been days when his faith was strong and mine was lacking and vice versa, and days when we both borrowed faith from others. Days when what or how or even why was used for more prevalently than promise, trust or believe.

Here we sit on the precipice of our future. Tomorrow marks the first day of our something new that I wrote about here. And yet the promise "to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you hope and a future" (Jer 29:11) is still just that ... our future. Tomorrow's work will not pay yesterday's responsibilities or the ones that come today or the ones that are already on the horizon before our future meets up with our present. And it's daunting, to say the least. A bit scary, to be totally honest. Our future holds such promise, but today's needs overshadow our future promise like a monstrous obstacle. And when sat side-by-side next to someone else's need, ours may seem like a drop in a bucket, but they're still ours ... and they must be met before our something new can fully provide for our future.

And so we sat in church yesterday. And when I asked God at the end of the message what area he wanted me most to focus on for immediate breakthrough, I fully expected to hear him say "finances". It is, after all, the most glaringly obvious choice. But he surprised me, as he so often does, and spoke trust. And so I asked him why. And he answered:

I spoke trust because if I have breakthrough with you in this area then you will fully trust me for all of the other areas (both known and unknown) where breakthrough is also needed ... and they will be taken care of.

Hand in hand we walked to the altar for prayer and were met by the smile of a man he knows better than I, but one I trust because he did first. And he prayed for us; and thanked God for our something new with us; and cried out for supernatural provision over our yesterday and today needs; and called out for our mailbox to be a place of miracles; and for God to be given glory for the testimony he was going to write in our lives as we stand in the gap between our year-long journey that's about to end and our future that is just within arms reach.

And I'm choosing to trust. Trust that God will provide in ways that I can't even begin to ask for. Not because he considers us his charity case, but His children.

In the blog I linked to above, I opened it with this passage of scripture:

Now that the worst is over, we're pleased we can report that we've come out of this with conscience and faith intact, and can face the world--and even more importantly, face you with our heads held high. But it wasn't by any fancy footwork on our part. It was God who kept us focused on him, uncompromised. 2 Corinthians 1:12 [MSG]

When God speaks to us from His Word, it IS a promise that we are to hold onto. By choosing trust, I am choosing to also hold onto this promise when we will say "now that the worst is over...". While we cannot say that just yet, it's coming. This gap is all that stands between us and our future.

Last night, before we stood to go up for prayer, a woman sitting next to me handed me four notecards with handwritten Bible verses on them. She told me that one of them was for me but she didn't know which one. I didn't look at them until we were walking out of the sanctuary. The one that (I knew when I read it) was for me was the last card, and the tears rolled down as I read His reminder to me:

But God's not finished. He's waiting around to be gracious to you. He's gathering strength to show mercy to you. God takes time to do everything right--everything. Those who wait around for Him are the lucky ones. Isaiah 30:18

The wait between here and our future seems long and heavy. But God was very purposeful last night to remind me that He's in that wait. That grace and mercy are in that wait. And my heart melted right there in those words because he didn't condemn me for needing to be reminded, he simply loved me in the reminding.

Will you stand with us in prayer for this miracle? Will you believe with us that God will provide in the gap? And that the enemy will be defeated by the blood of the Lamb and the word our future testimony (Rev 12:11)?

I don't know how God's going to do it. But today I'm standing firm, like I did when he spoke to me about our future, and I'm both asking for and trusting in a miracle.

Trust in the Lord will all your heart; lean not on your own understanding. (Prov 3:5)

A Story Continued

There are seemingly random moments when I am drawn backwards through my days and thoughts and feelings and rantings preserved here. In black and white. For my memories. For your indulgence. That word indulgence chosen with the best of intentions. With sincerity, not sarcasm.

Today is one of those seemingly random days where my past called out to me and I went looking for its voice. I found it. It's in all of these writings. But one in particular caught my eye this morning. Made me realize that the reason HolySpirit draws me back is so I can update a story still unfolding. No story is ever complete. Is it?

Four months ago I lamented about change. Change that made my heart gasp. Out of fear. Out of hurt. Out of not understanding. Out of the unexpected and unprepared. It made my fingers feel like they weren't strong enough to hold on. Made my heart wonder if I really had followed HisVoice. If I'd heard correctly or just listened long enough. Long enough to assume what I thought I needed and then run off to do what I thought best.

These are the words that were gripping my heart on that day:

"Too many questions swirling around. Not enough answers."

And life went on.

This same change lament stirred my heart a month later. So I did then what I'm doing today. I unfolded the story as it stood on that day. These are the words that HolySpirit spoke to me--helping to move me forward on that month-later-day; words that stirred hope from what I didn't understand when I lamented:

"Love cannot be forced, it must be chosen.
And a heart is not yours simply because it lives with you
or shares your name
or even has history attached to you.
A heart is won through pursuit and wooing."

And now.

Six weeks have just been marked off the calendar. Of high school classes taught from a building, not my home. Of lunches packed the night before, instead of when his belly stirs, usually around noon. Of  student cafeterias instead of our kitchen table. Of morning alarms and commutes to and from. Of flexible days replaced by bell schedules. Of daily discipline unknown or imagined. Of physical discipline that is building a man; building strength, power and character. Of the foundation that is built for the sport he loves not on the field with bat and ball but in the gym, through sweat and circuits. And of adaptation to a lifestyle that was foreign and even scary. For both of us. Of him stepping out and me letting go. Of listening to my 'knower' and obeying what God had called us to. And then having the courage to say 'yes'. Yes is really all that's required when God calls. I usually find it's the hardest part.


And now.

Four months have ticked by for her and for us. God spoke space. At least I believed He did then. I still do believe that now. Sometimes space is what God needs so we'll get out of His way. Stop trying to control what He wants to change. And change has happened. Somewhere along the way change happened. Smiles have replaced frowns. Light has swallowed up darkness. Hugs abound. Fingers reach out to hold mine. A glance is given and not missed. I see change even though I don't fully understand how it happened. But do we ever really understand the metamorphosis that takes place in that cocoon when an unseemly caterpillar goes into hibernation only to emerge a beautifully exquisite butterfly?

I want to believe that God works when we are willing to temporarily let go. I'm watching. I'm listening. I'm asking. Doubt wants to speak--wants me to listen to [him] instead of believe in HIM.

But I see change. And that is what I'm choosing to nurture. With eyes wide open, not from fear, but from the understanding that He gave them to me so I could watch, and see. With ears attuned not by a desire to catch untruth but to listen to a heart and help lead it, always loving it. With arms open, wider than they were before, because space taught me something. That it should always only be temporary, never permanent. And that arms were never created with the intent to push away out of rejection or misunderstanding but to take in and speak love without words.

And so, for now, this is a story continued.

And I am confident of this, that He who began a good work will carry it on to completion until the day of Jesus Christ.  [Phillipians 1:6]

Hope Is ...

finding myself in limbo between admitting the death of [this] while believing in, and waiting for, its resurrection above and beyond what my heart could ask for or even imagine.

When she finished telling me the story of her heart transplant, tears began to immediately form. She couldn't have known, but God had brought her here not only to share her miracle but also to answer a question [with proof].

Although it was not the immediate response she may have thought she'd receive from me, I had to tell her the reason behind my tears. Her experience was the "Yes, I can" answer from God to a question I had been asking Him for two years.

So now, instead of asking Him "can You?", I am changing my plea to "will You?".

Love Revelation

We sat in two, high-back, green chairs at Roots Coffee -- she with her peach/strawberry/banana fruit smoothie and me with my double shot cappuccino -- talking about the parallel journeys on which we found ourselves; journeys where love was the catalyst and Jesus was the answer.

For days leading up to this one, we read posts on each others' blogs where deep questions about love were asked without answer, and we had phone conversations about what it could all possibly mean. On Thursday, "I blamed it all on Valentine's Day". And then Friday came.

She surprised me by showing up without notice. And what a sweet surprise it was. A friend is never not welcome, even when I am still in my pajamas. ;) She told me to get dressed. "We're walking down to Roots." Coffee and my BFF? Yes, Please and Always!

As we cozied up with our drinks and rearranged our chairs so we could face each other, I could sense that this would be no ordinary meeting. She had something big to share with me. And God was stirring the heavens as she began unraveling the events of the past weeks.

Over the next few hours there were moments when it felt like time paused long enough for me to understand that the words that had just come out of her mouth were God's and she was simply the conduit. Thoughts like:

"Love is like a Rubik's cube. ONE solution, but many ways to get there." [Really Catchy! I should have a t-shirt made.]

and

"There is no reason I should love {you} like this, but now I love {you} for no reason." [Made my heart stop and take a breath. Selah]

These thoughts weren't directed at me. I was simply the one getting to hear the process of her heart.

And then she shared with me the miraculous transformation ... uh, more accurately, transplantation her heart had submitted to while she slept the night before. (Dead Man Walking) The only word I could find to describe my thoughts was "Amazing!"

And then it happened. The answer to the questions. The truth behind the mystery. The Love Relevation:

"Real love is not having a human reaction to failure."

Settled!

I am so glad that I took the time (listened to the internal motivation) and wrote down all my thoughts and struggles yesterday, because today all those struggles and questions were answered in the most clear way possible. Holy Spirit pushed me [yesterday] to blog so that I could have a black and white testimony to an honest struggle on one day ... and a clear answer the next. Had I not blogged when I felt that prompting (big lesson for me), I would have been documenting both the questions from yesterday and the answer from today and it would have been a little less powerful ... in my mind, anyway.

After blogging my guts out yesterday, an AC repairman came to the house and delivered the worst  - yet best for us - news that we could get. One system completely blown and the 2nd system just about there, but still has a few running parts that could be salvaged. Truly, with out $1000 minimum to put into trying to repair the 2nd system, we won't have AC anyway, so it equates to both systems being down and out for the count.

Anyway, God settled my heart that it really doesn't matter what's happened or why. The answer is:

• HE alone provided a place for us for this past year, regardless of the integrity or intent of the owners. 
• HE alone answered my plea from yesterday and clearly showed us that this is where we are not going to be living in the next season of our lives.
• HE alone made a way - blown AC - to provide that answer before it was too late and we signed on for another year without heating or AC available ... and with a cost that would have partially been coming out of our pocket because of how the owners wrote our last lease.

He provided a home when one was needed last August. And He will provide again because He saw this coming long before we did.

I can now rest in total PEACE that my God has answered my plea. I am more settled now than I have been in the past six months, and that feels awesome! I don't care that we're moving. I don't care about the amount of work I'm going to have to put in over these next three (or so) weeks. I don't care that I don't know where we'll be living next month or that we'll now - for sure - be down to one car, again. I don't care that I don't have all the answers right now.

All I care about is that I have the answer that I NEED today. The rest will come as they need to...