In Preparation

for our trip west, i have been busy from the time i woke up until ... well, just about now. it's almost 10pm and i am finally winding down and feeling as if all that i needed to come together, has come together. when i think about the volume of things that i got done today, the list isn't as long as the day itself. it's just that getting to this place - just about finished - has taken the hours of today to accomplish.

with only five hours left until you arrive at our house, i'm not sure if i should lie down and try to get some sleep or tough it out. i'm kinda tired, so i'm thinking i'm gonna go lay down somewhere quiet and see if sleep will be my friend for a few hours. the kids have decided to stay awake and use the long day ahead of us to get in their hours of sleep. i don't blame them. fifteen hours in a car seems endless when first starting out.

well, that's about all that i wanted to get down before bidding adieu' to my life as i know it for the next week. i'm looking forward to the new memories this drive will bring. the new ism's that will accidentally pop out of our mouths. and the inevitable laughter at the silliest things that will eventually become a necessity when that thirteen hour in the car approaches.

even though it's over eight hours away, i'm looking forward to the first starbucks that will be open come sunrise.

Sleepless in Keller

there was "sleepless in seattle", so why not "sleepless in keller"?

it's just after 5AM and i've been awake since 3:30 when the thunder rolled on in. it was so loud it pulled me out of the dream i was in. i laid in bed for over 30 minutes listening to the rain fall, watching the lightning fill up the sky and counting the seconds until the thunder hit. that was all good fun [because i love thunder storms] until an hour later when i still found myself awake; and realizing that my body was once again doing it's weird sleep thang.

so, here i sit at my kitchen table. all the lights are off in the house. it's just me, the laptop and the sound of rain continuing to fall. everyone else is sleeping peacefully. exactly where i'd like to be, but...

by this time tomorrow i'll be on the road to arizona with you and the kids. [i can say you because you are the only one with permission to read my blog right now]. we'll have been in the car for just over two hours. i'm sure the kids will be asleep and we'll be watching the cities of texas pass us by.

i'm excited to finally see my parents' home and enjoy the free time: play some pool, take a walk to their local park, partner up for some pinochle and canasta games, or just sit and read a book. yes, alec will be bringing two school subjects with him because we totally flaked on school work this week while the girls were here. but the work won't take much time, so it won't really feel like work.

i'm hoping that this distance and time will bring two hearts some new perspective. i'm definitely not focusing on that while i'm gone, but it would be nice to come home in a different "place".

today i'll be spending the day finishing laundry and packing. i'm ready for whatever the week holds and i'm excited to get to see family again that i've missed.

I Don't Believe...

in change, anymore.

i'm tired of pretending that change is a possibility.
i'm tired of hoping for the best and being dealt the opposite.
hope has become a four letter word to me ... even though it already is.

if i had a job, i'd seriously consider leaving.
but i don't ... so I can't.

i don't want to try anymore.
i don't want to move forward anymore.
i don't want to dream anymore.

i, also, don't want to leave my kids for a job.
i don't want to step out of mothering and teaching as a full-time job.
i don't want to be single, but i don't want to be married, either.
figure that one out...

i haven't spoken to my husband in three days.
unless i absolutely had to for things about the kids or plans or whatever.
he has tried to make peace with me.
peace to me = him not there.
so stop trying.

i wish i could take a month off of life and just go hang with my parents.
but i can't because i have responsibilities.
and responsibilities don't go away just because i'm tired.

there's a part of me that hates my husband.
and there's a part of me that wishes i couldn't even write that.

i heard jimmy evans tell me that God brings people together so that they can heal each other.
that works in a perfect world.
but our world ain't perfect.
so...

one day i may look back at this and wonder.
wonder how my heart grew so cold and hard.
wonder how i ever had it in me to write such things.
but...
right now, it's what consumes me.
right now, grace doesn't even cross my lips.
right now, moving forward is like asking me if I want to go to hell.

it's not that anything so huge happened to bring this about.
it's that nothing has changed.
words mean nothing to me when not backed up by action.
stop asking me to forgive you.
stop asking me to give you grace.

repent means CHANGE.
not ask for forgiveness over and over and over.

i know i'm hurting God's heart with these words.
i know i'm even placing myself in a bad spot with my enemy.
because i don't want to do anything that resolves this.
but this is my heart as it is right now.

and it's why i'm writing tonight.

Receiving, In Faithful Expectation

Romans 8 says the earth groans in eager expectation for the sons of god to be revealed and we've seen a little bit of that earth groaning in Haiti over the last week or so. When you see an image from Haiti and how those sweet people have just been devastated, I want you to get a very clear picture in your understanding of what the enemy is after in your life. That wherever you see death and despair and depression, brokenness, pain, weeping and rejection, that is the way of the world. That's the way things go. And yet right into the middle of that devastation comes the Word of God. And the Word of God is life and health and peace and abundance and goodness and acceptance and loving-kindness.

When you and I look over the circumstances of our own lives, there's ... if your life is like mine ... they are some messes there. Some of those messes are our own doing and some of them are because of the sinful choices of other people. We tend to be very critical of our own situations and say, "Well, if someone else did it to me that's one thing, but if I did it to myself then I'm pretty much stuck here." But Jesus comes to redeem all of it. He redeems whatever we give to him.

And so I want to remind you today that Jesus Paid It All, it's not just a song. It's so much more than that. It's reality. That where there is pain, brokenness, loneliness, rejection, sickness, and bondage, Jesus steps into that mess and says, "I can make all things new. I can redeem that."

So, I would ask you today, where is the brokenness and pain in your life? What needs to be brought into the redemptive arena for the touch of Jesus in your life? You have but to bring that to him.

I love that Psalm 23 says that he sets a table before us in the presence of our enemies. Where the enemy wants to fight, Jesus says, "Sit down and let's eat. Not only will we not fight but in the midst of that there will be peace."

So, where is there a lack of peace and joy today? Let's bring that to him to today.

"Jesus, we thank you today. That you have all power and all authority and all sovereignty to make peace in the midst of chaos. So Lord, we bring you the wreckage and the chaos that is in our lives. We thank you that it's not beyond your grasp. We yield authority to you, Jesus. Touch us and make us whole in Jesus' name. Amen."

I invite you right now to let joy rise up in your heart because your future really is brighter than you know. You bring it into the authority of Jesus and he has the ability to touch that thing and make it new again. Whatever it is. So let joyful anticipation rise up in your heart, by faith, that Jesus is not finished speaking over your life yet.

"Jesus we thank you today for your blood represented by this cup. We confess today that there are things in our own lives, messes we made and messes we didn't, that we need your redemptive touch to come to right now. We receive your touch with joy and faithful anticipation. In Jesus' Name. Amen."


I watched church online today and these are words spoken by Pastor Marcus before heading into Pastor Robert's message. Since I was watching online, I was able to go back and press play and pause until I had these words down. They just touched my heart so much when I heard them that I wanted to get them down here so that I could speak them over my life [and you over yours] because I believe God speaks over my life through others many a time.

In faithful anticipation and expectation, I receive.

Day 11

"I resonated with this blog because change cannot take place in anyone's life until one can whole-heartedly state ... I AM READY!

This new year brought that determination that "I am ready" to make some changes ... physically, emotionally and spiritually.

God called me to a very strict fast to start the new year, one that has definitely caused a big void in me, considering my love for food and the way that I've allowed myself to eat over the past 18 months.

Instead of wincing and finding any loop hole I could in God's request, I felt excited ... even if there was a wee bit of trepidation about how my body was going to respond.

I could sense that God had a new plan for my life this year and that taking control of food--instead of allowing it continued control of me --was high on the priority list. And it's not just about food. It's about filling the void of eating just to eat with something else, with someone else ... Jesus.

I knew He wanted to show me that even though I don't have a hundred pounds to lose, the 25 that I've put on since marriage in 2007 were a sign that I'd become lazy; and that laziness didn't just show up in pounds, it showed up in my mood, my energy, my drive and my outlook on life, which impacted my life as a whole.

I know that this fast is not THE answer to everything because after this is over I will need to make very wise choices about lifestyle changes if I don't want to see the pounds creep back. But I believe God wants to show me through this fast that food - and the negative effects it can have - is not really what was controlling me ... it is the byproduct of what I was trying to cover. And THAT is the most important part of this fasting journey: allowing Him to show me those areas and then surrendering them to Him. THEN, food can go back to being yummy and necessary in proportion, but not my comfort and not my excuse.

Wow, I've rambled far too much, but I think this response to your blog is actually something God was revealing to me as I was writing."

This is a response to a blog I read today, and I had to copy and paste it here because I realized at the end of my comment that God was speaking to my heart and I wasn't even aware of it. He was showing me one purpose, albeit important, to my fast.

So, I had to record it.