Just Let Me Love You

Todd grinned. “I like you a lot.”

“I like you a lot, too.” [Christy]

“I like you more,” Todd said.

“No, I like you more.” [Christy]

Todd leaned forward and with the warmest glow ever in his clear blue eyes, said, “I love you, Kilikina.” Christy froze. She shouldn’t make her lips part. She couldn’t push out the words. A single tear was all that escaped her and raced down her cheek. Todd moved his chair over so that he was right next to Christy. He kept his hand in hers. With patient, gentle words he said, “You don’t have to respond, Christy. I don’t want you to feel pressured. Ever. In any way. Just let me love you, okay?” He leaned over and kissed the tear where it clung to the edge of her jaw. “Just let me love you.”

- Excerpt from Robin Jones Gunn’s “As You Wish”

Lying in the hammock on a steep mountainside, cool breeze whistling all around me, I read this. When I finished this section I just began to cry. Just an unexplained outburst of tears ran down my face. Being self conscious I wiped my eyes and looked around, only to be reminded that I was surrounded by the sun, trees, and clouds. I laughed at myself and thought ‘what the heck?’ and just let the tears fall. I closed my eyes and began to hear the Father speak. Just let Me love you. As He spoke, the cool, mountain breeze warmed gently and I felt as if two huge arms just embraced me. I just layed in the arms of my Daddy and wept.

Isaiah 40:11 “He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart…”

As I’m processing His words in my head, I’m trying to figure out when I STOPPED letting Him love me. Or even when I LIMITED letting him love me. The truth is that I can’t stop him. I had a conversation with a friend of mine. She said, “I love youuuuuuuu”, and I said back sarcastically, “Just because you love me doesn’t mean I have to accept it.” How true is that? How often do we reject the love of our Lord? We assume because things are not going our way that He doesn’t love us, or He doesn’t care for us. In our hearts we know that is utterly false, but when we let our brains go for a ride, we lose sight of the truth. All He wants is to love us and for us to love Him in return. Even the times we don’t want to love Him, or we are mad at Him, He STILL LOVES US. And there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it, but when we “Just let [Him] love [us]” how much better is our life? How much more abundant and obvious are His plans for us? He carries us close to His heart where we can lay and breathe in the things He has for us.

With All My Heart, [Jillian Yvonne]

Jeremiah 29:11-14 11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you," declares the LORD.

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Jillian, I had to leave a comment because it's just ironic that I happened to read this entry this morning. Your blog was pulled up on my laptop when I opened it this morning; not sure by who, but since I was surprised to see it, I read.

Yours are the first words I am reading this morning, but I have to tell you that I think Jesus purposed it that way. What you wrote to accompany the excerpt from the book is so sweet, so tender, so reflecting of Jesus' love for us, that I soon had tears falling down my cheeks. It was as if Jesus was whispering your words to me; sweetly washing me with gentleness and possessing an unabashed desire to get me to see that He "just wants me to let Him love me." What an engaging and treasured way to begin my day!

Also, I was shocked at how your sarcastic remark to your friend resonated with me. I didn't shake my head at you, I reacted with the thought, "That sounds like something I would think, even if only subconsciously." The fact that it shook me to my core means that this is something Jesus wants to deal with. Without knowing it Jillian, Jesus has used your words to continue peeling my onion.

Again, I'm not sure how I ended up on your blog - I'll call it a sweet Jesus miracle - but I'm so glad I did.

Much Love,
Babs

[ME]: I am constantly surprised by the lengths to which Jesus will go to continue to remind me of His LOVE for me. "Just let me love you." Those words hit me lick a brick upside my heart.

For a long time I've been bothered by the fact that I just don't seem to know how to inherently love someone that I choose to love. I use the word 'choose' because I truly get the depth of love of being a mother. That love is such a part of me that it could just as easily be labeled as another part of my body, like an arm or leg.

I have struggled to not only understand, but also give back, love that is in my life by choice. It's not that I don't love; it's that I feel that I don't love deeply enough. I don't know how love is measure or quantified, I just feel like there's a sieve of some kind that filters love into and out of my heart; making sure it isn't allowed in too quickly - or in too large of a dose - and that that sieve also controls how much is let out.

Ever since I attended a Kairos in April of last year, Jesus has beckoned me to go on a Love Journey with Him. He told me [as my face was on the floor of the NRH campus], "I'm going to wreck you with My Love." I've never recorded my thoughts about this day. More substantial is the fact that I've also not chosen to take this Love Journey ... yet.

I think part of me has been too afraid to move forward because of the unknown that will have to be uncovered in me. Jesus didn't say to me, "Come with me, and let me show you what my love looks like." Nope. He said he was going to [wreck] me with His love. That's a bit intimidating, even if it stirs up all kinds of anticipation within me.

But something bigger is stirring in me recently: a passion to dream, a desire to believe for bigger things, a longing in my spirit for adventure that is yet untapped. The puzzle pieces are coming together. My journey to just get to the point of being daring enough to accept Jesus' invitation is almost complete. I believe there's only one piece left to finish this particular puzzle ... Wild Goose Chase. It's in my possession. The first chapter is read. Now, I just need to get to the finish line.

Healing, Part #1

I've been on somewhat of a Brady Boyd/New Life Church podcast overload during the past few weeks. Messages from various pastors have always been a part of my walk with Jesus, but lately these messages are an integral part of teaching for me.

Currently, I'm over half-way through a 14 week series on the Supernatural, and I going to purpose to document the parts of the messages that really grabbed me (so that my furious note-taking won't be in vain or forgotten).

Over the July 4th weekend, I listened to two messages on healing. Here are my highlights:

• Jesus wants to enter into our suffering and heal us just as he did when he was on earth. He is as much a healer today as he was when he lived.
• Question: If Jesus heals, then why isn't everyone healed? We are caught between the chasm of Jesus settling the issue of the kingdom by taking the keys from Satan, but all facets of kingdom living will not be fulfilled until he returns. Basically, only in heaven will there be a complete lack of pain and suffering. (Revelation 21:1)
• Our western culture/mindset leaves us no room for pain and discomfort. We want to live the Christian life without suffering and that's just not part of Jesus' promise. We're the only country in the world that expects a walk that's easy and without sacrifice.
• What you ask from God reveals what you believe about Him. (Will you ask for the big things, or do you not believe your big prayers can be answered?)

Lastly, the biggest "A-ha" moment for me was this: One should always carry a hope for healing but heaven should never be treated as the consolation prize if healing does not occur; it is the prize. Hope for healing AND hope for heaven.

Holy Spirit minus THE

After reading several blogs by Coli yesterday, I left this comment on one of them but then decided I needed to keep it because it spoke to a significant shift in the...well, read:

"There is one thing I have noticed about your recent blogs as I catch up on blog reading...you no longer use the word "the" in front of Holy Spirit. At first I thought you had typo'd, then I read another blog and then I read this blog and saw the same thing. You have personalized Him, our Holy Spirit, the same way we so easily personalize God and Jesus. We've never been taught to put "the" in front of God or Jesus, yet I realize how naturally it comes before Holy Spirit. I'm wondering about this change in you and if it originated from chasing wild geese? It so moved my heart more than anything else in your recent writings, and that's saying a lot because your recent writings are chock full of good stuff.

I am convicted in such a good way. Do I lack a certain depth of relationship with "the" Holy Spirit because I have unknowingly put an article of our human language in front of his name? This is revelatory for me, friend! Truly revelatory! My God is God. My Jesus is Jesus! And my Holy Spirit is Holy Spirit...not "the" Holy Spirit.

I so love, love, love the fact that Holy Spirit [embracing the change already!] has awakened me to a small change in wording that will greatly impact my relationship with Him, and He did it by simply revealing a change in you and highlighting that change in my spirit.

Thank you, friend, for teaching me without purposing to teach me. I am smiling like a kid in a candy store right now!"

Looking forward to reading Wild Goose Chase, by Mark Batterson, very soon. Odd point, after talking to Anthony about this book tonight, I found out that Anthony knows him personally; even showed me a photo taken with Mark several years ago. How weird is that???

Conquering Joy

My personal blog has been focused on "the testimony of One" for the past few years. It has reflected my heart and the purpose in why I write. Whether anyone else reads it or not, I want what I write to reflect what God is doing in my life ... and remember it all when time has stolen the details.

Sometimes my writings simply reflect a heart that is brutally honest, without yet reflecting God's tender interference in moving me forward. Sometimes my writings document what I've learned in any given moment, on any given day. And sometimes my writings are nothing more than a reminder to me of a particular experience that I don't want to forget.

So here I am, changing it all up. I'm not leaving my testimonies behind, I am simply moving forward with a changed perspective and focus ... Conquering Joy. A change in blog title wasn't really on my radar, but I found myself having to make a change based on the complexities of having too many Google account names. Instead of trying to rise above the minutia of too many details to fix, I simply wiped the slate clean and decided to re-create, start from scratch. And then this title came to me; one of those moments where God whispers in my ear.

At first I thought conquering joy was kind of an oxy-moronic title. Did they really go together? But then I looked up the word conquer and this is what I found:

Conquer: to take possession of by force or authority; to overcome by conquest.

I liked the whole thought of taking possession of joy by authority. JOY is a fruit of the Spirit, but it is also a feeling. I have to choose to live in it, just as I would choose to be content...or not. Yes, the Holy Spirit deposits joy in my life, but He'll never force feed it to me.

And then I had this thought: God knows that taking possession of joy in every situation in my life has the potential to bring about unspeakable change. My testimonies will continue to be recorded, but think about the glory [of God] they will reflect if written through a filter of joy?

JOY.PEACE.HOPE.GLORY (see blog I wrote at the beginning of the year: Moving Forward)

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

Conquering JOY is necessary in moving forward to PEACE. HOPE. & GLORY.!

Thank you, Lord, for continuing to show me why you purposed my focus for 2010 on these things. You are so incredibly faithful and I love the way you surprise me with revelatory moments such as these.

Choose Life

2009 was a year where my husband and I experienced some of the greatest lows followed by some mountaintop highs. In August, after months of searching, God opened a door to a great job for my husband when self-employment no longer was feasible. And come September, after losing our house to foreclosure, God moved us into another home.

Autumn came and went without a glitch, and winter hit in December like a raging bull in a china shop; and continued its assault right through February. And then spring rolled in and it was like my husband and I awoke in March from a six-month slumber; suddenly aware that we weren’t connected anymore like we had been. Between a new home and a new job, we had gone through some pretty significant changes. All the routines we had had when Anthony worked from home had been turned upside down and it became clear that while neither of was paying attention, our priorities had shifted.

At the end of March, I made the decision to ask for a three month sabbatical from writing for Destiny In Bloom because I knew I had hit a wall spiritually and emotionally and needed a radical perspective shift.

Throughout the next few months, God richly deposited His wisdom into my life in three main areas: Identity, Marriage and Dreams. Today, my focus is marriage. I wanted to share with you just a few of the most important things I learned because I don’t believe I’m the only one who has walked through, or is currently struggling in, a difficult season in their marriage.

Lesson #1: Priorities Matter

A new life schedule had knocked us out of our routine and we didn’t do a good job making sure the proper priorities stayed in order. When Anthony worked from home, we had all the time in the world to talk about whatever was going on, so we kind of took time for granted. Now we faced days where time felt like it moved quicker than a New York minute and free hours of conversation turned into moments we had to purposely grab. We both allowed other priorities to swallow up the time we could have used for each other, and when your marriage takes a back seat to anything other than your relationship with God, one can’t expect a good outcome.

Lesson #2: Burn Out

When life brings about big changes, responsibilities can shift. Between his commute and work hours, Anthony wasn’t available for the things we had partnered in before. It’s not his fault; it’s just the way our lives were altered. I found myself needing to take on more of the chauffeuring assignments and the nighttime schedule of youth groups, baseball practices and other kid-friendly time demands went from feeling carefree to cumbersome. I reached my own mini-burn out and instead of being honest about it and seeking change, I just allowed myself to grow resentful. You may be there, too.

Have the time demands of home schooling your kids grown too much for you? Maybe it’s time to pray about public school.

Do you desire an outlet for other purposes God has placed on your heart but can’t find free time? Pray about the option of putting your younger ones in pre-school a couple hours a day or week.

Or maybe you’re a wife who’s struggling with a husband whose job demands way too much of his time and you’re resenting the position of priority it’s taken. Be honest with your husband about your concerns. Maybe it’s time to seek God as a couple about a possible employment change or a way to reduce his current hours. God’s capable of anything!

Remember, although you may be blessed with the awesome gift of children, they are never to take the #1 or #2 priority position in our lives as women and wives. If you’re investing all your time and energy into the kids and have nothing left over for God and your husband, it’s time for a change.

Lesson #3: The Love/Like Factor

I know wives and husbands who are looking at their respective spouses and thinking, “I just don’t love him/her like I used to.” Or, “My heart’s just not it in anymore.” Or, “I don’t know if I ever really loved him/her.”

This I know: Love is a fickle thing because we think it’s what we’re feeling and not what we’re doing. Love is not about what my heart feels on any given day; it’s the action that tied the bow on my wedding day vows.

On bad days, you may find yourself thinking, “I don’t even know if I like you, let alone love you.” I know because I have. (Yep, that’s real, right there.) But in this journey, God graciously showed me that Love is not about feelings and Like, well, it’s purely circumstantial. Love is about commitment; and today’s feelings, or tomorrow’s circumstances, do not release me from the covenant I made to my God and my husband the day I said, “I Do.”

Lesson #4: Seasons Change

I fully understand that life is made up of seasons - the better and worse, the richer and poorer, the sickness and health - and that with all seasons, this one too shall pass. But God also taught me that it’s not about just waiting out a season and hoping it will pass one day; it’s about what I do in that season that will determine when I move into the next one. I cannot NOT like where my marriage is now and do nothing but go to sleep and wake up every day and expect that things will change.

So, now what?

Purposefully re-engage in the re-building of your marriage… step-by-step, bit-by-bit.

#1: Surrender your bruised heart to God and allow his grace and mercy to begin healing you, both of you. Read every scripture you can on marriage, grace, mercy and love. Daily wash yourself in the Word and begin to allow the fruit of the Spirit to be an extension cord connected directly to your spouse’s heart.

#2: Get back on the prayer wagon! Prayer has an amazing way of keeping our hearts humble before our God and our spouse. Don’t just pray individually but commit to praying together. Be honest. Be vulnerable. Be real. Let prayer be the most prominent display of your heart, and don’t forget to use it to lift each other up. (It’s not just a tool to re-work your spouse. J)

#3: Get some Christian counseling for necessary perspective. If you can’t afford it, Jimmy and Karen Evans of Marriage Today offer a free online resource called The Quest. We’re walking through this 10-week program now and we’re committed to coming out stronger and healthier on the other side.

#4: Have godly influences that you can share with openly and honestly. Not just any friend, but a godly, Christian person who will protect your heart while encouraging you in God’s word and God’s ways. (You can’t miss the emphasis of God and Godly!)

#5: Purpose to re-invest in your marriage by enjoying each other’s company. Take time to have fun because it’s such a necessary factor in relationships. Find things to do that will make you laugh because it really is chicken soup for the soul. Bring light-heartedness back to your marriage!

#6: Never rest on your laurels. Great marriages don’t stay great simply because they’re in a great season. The marriages you admire are admirable because the husband and wife are daily engaged in what makes them tick and what makes them stronger. Have you ever watched a marriage fall apart after 10 or more years and wondered why? Marriage requires work during the rough patches and in the best of times.

#7: Keep HOPE alive! It’s easy to believe during the low times that THIS – where you are right now – is as good as your marriage will ever get, but it’s a lie straight from the pit of hell. Our enemy will do his best to steal your hope, making it seem impossible to move forward or change. Don’t let him!

“Hope is patience with the lamp lit”. (Tertullian)

If you’re in a place where you’re questioning what’s left of your marriage; if it’s worth the effort anymore; if anything can really change; or if maybe there’s just something better out there for you… STOP, take some deep, cleansing breaths and do just the first thing listed in “So, now what?”: Surrender your bruised (or broken) heart to Jesus. There are no time limits on healing. There are no boundaries on how much hurt can be healed. There are no set rules you have to follow. Just let grace and mercy have their tender way with you and allow the untainted love of Jesus to heal your heart, piece by broken piece; and then ask the Holy Spirit to guide your next step. And remember that God always give us the choice of life or death.

I call Heaven and Earth to witness against you today: I place before you Life and Death, Blessing and Curse. Choose life so that you and your children will live. And love God, your God, listening obediently to him, firmly embracing him. Oh yes, he is life itself… Deuteronomy 30:19 (The Message)

I’m choosing life and holding on for the ride. I’m praying that you will do the same!

If you want more information on outstanding marital resources, go to Marriage Today at www.marriagetoday.org. You can also visit The Quest at www.quest.marriagetoday.com.

Our Pastor, Robert Morris, and his wife, Debbie, wrote a great book on marriage, The Blessed Marriage. It’s an easy but rich read. You can purchase that book through Gateway’s online store at http://gatewaypeople.com/store.